AdTurds Bad Adverts – Badverts

19Nov/170

AdTurds Keywords: Poo Chute Advert, Kia Bukakke

james corden confused.com advert

I haven't done these for a while because most search terms are hidden from sight these days, in case websites start picking up on your predilection for Big Tits Ebony Cumshots, or suchlike. But they remain a fascinating, amusing and occasionally disturbing insight into what people are thinking and how they use the internet.

As I've said before people lie all the time, to everyone in their lives. But they don't lie to search engines, the modern-day portrait in all our attics. Here's a rundown of some that caght me eye, and some of my responses.

That people think these things is one, that they then bother to open up a search, type or speak it into their device and search for responses is fucking hilarious, sinister or tragic in equal measures.

I look at these terms and I think of the tweets that disgraced celebrities - Zoella and the ex-editor of Gay Times are reecent examples - having their horrible old tweets read back to them. And the alarm, disgust and horror writ large on the faces of people coming face-to-face with their own id.

That's what these search terms speak of: the unconscious mind. Simple brainfarts and mind splurges and inexplicable, troubling impulses: to hear Davina McCall saying the word 'cunt'; to look at the lady who plays The Admiral with no clothes on; to write the words 'fuck Uncle' into s search engine, presumably in some moment of listless sexual curiosity.

I guess in this way this is the closest thing you'll get to an AdTurds Q+A. Don't have nightmares.

• adam richman . is he in vipoo ad
I'm pretty sure he's not but I can't think of many better candidates for an advert where your shit stinks than a man famous for eating industrial quantities ot Mac'n'cheese.

• admiral girl nude
I can't help with this, but you may enjoy THIS

• adturds feminism
I'm in favour of it.

• andrew castle is a cunt
I just wanted to include this one.

• andrex washlets are they flushable
No they are not, according to everyone apart from Andrex.

• annoying nationwide advert 2017
You may enjoy this.

• are people on toothpaste adverts really dentists
Apparently so, though the civvies are often played by actors.

• are the goats in the hsbc ad really up the tree
Yes, according to this post on Facebook:

• ban strutters v builders
Something even a search engine cannot achieve.

• beagle street advert chavs
Not sure what Beagle Street was going for with its adverts but I'm guessing it wasn't 'chavs'

buzzcocks mcdonald advert
A search term that continues to pain me.

• camilla arfwedson feet
Can't help with this one.

• cheeky volvic
Ugh. One from the archives.

• cheryl baker naked
This remains of the most unerringly (and bafflingly) popular search terms on AdTurds. (To figure out how and why I searched for this term and discovered that there are people on the internet who believe that Cheryl Baker shot a topless scene in the film Die Hard.)

• cheryl bakers tits
There we go again.

• chris kamara advert awful terrible bad
Awful terrible bad bearely scratches the surface of anything Chris Kamara is involved in as far as I'm concerned.

• davina mccall saying cunt
I'd like to think such a video exists.

• does mo farah advertise uncle ben
No, he advertises Quorn.

• does the girl advertising admiral insurace have a funny eye
I don't think so. Though the character does have DISTURBING SEXUAL TENDENCIES.

admiral tv advert

• dreadful andrex advert
These advert were truly hated in 2017.

• ed sheeran banal
Incredibly grateful to see the 'b' in this search term

• fuck off go compare
Do people think that by typing something into this into a search it might happen? And how long until someone figures out how to offer that service?

• go compare fat fucker adturds
Poor Wynne Evans, the man behind Gio Compario. In real-life he's not that fat as it goes...

• how creepy is kevin bacon in those adverts?
Extremely. CLick here for more: MOLERAT.

• hugo boss is a cunt
I can't comment on the veracity of this but, given he was a supporter of the Third Reich, he probably wasn't a megadude.

• hungry house advert asian gay
An unusual reading of this advert.

I hate...

The 'I hate' section is always a good barometer of which brands' adverts are particularly hated by readers. I'd say McDonalds, Nationwide, Lloyds, MoneySupermarket, GoCompare, Andrex, Haribo, Oak Furniture Land and Muller have been the main recipients this year.

• i hate andrew castle

• i hate oak furniture land

• i hate that fat turd james corden

• i hate the creepy harabo tv advert

• i hate the lloyds bank advertisement - why do we have to praise them?

• is adturds.co.uk run by a communist child?
Yes, this one.

• is it rob brydens real wife on the cruise adverts
This strikes me as unlikely.

• jade goody iceland
I don't think this was ever a thing but she would have been so on-brand for the Iceland of 2010, had she not been dead.

james corden adturds
It pleases me that such search terms exist. And there are not inconsiderable - and growing - archives.

• kia advert nick knight 99% chance of rain
Seriously?

• kia bukkake
A baffling and confusing query.

• lesbian bdsm
A section I keep meaning to create.

• list of indian actors in tesco adverts
This is pretty disturbing.

• liverpool accent not good enough for tsesco advert
Uh?

• macdonaldspunkgirl
Only included because I first misread it as McDonalds Spunk Girl. Which, judging by some search queries, is exactly what many readers had in mind when it came to the girl in the punk advert.

• man child tesco advert
I think you're looking for Will Close, whose character in the Tesco adverts has obviously been murdered.

• mcdonalds whistle advert hate
One of my favourite search terms of the year - sounds like a Mark E Smith lyric.

mcdonald's punk advert

• money supermarket .com skelltor ad do they wear suits
I would be enormously concerned if the man playing Skeletor was not wearing a suit.

mr jackson the rapping teacher cunt
Mr Jackson sent me a nice message on Twitter, so while I still decry his adverts he seems like a nice man.

opal fruits
The brand that refuses to DIE

• poo chute advert
I refuse to believe...

• renault crossover advert whats it about
Divorce.

• rice dildo
Not a practical solution.

• rob brydon advert tesco
Still Ben Miller.

• tesco advert freddie
Fred's dead baby, Fred's dead.

tesco advert son

• the andrex adverts how true are they
If the adverts are about the washlets being flushable the answer is 'not at all'

• tom adams prick
I really liked Tom Adams.

• travel lodge wifi shit
I love these tiny, anonymous insights into the lives of strangers that search terms afford me. And it brings a tiny glimmer to my heart that someone trapped in a Travelodge with shit WiFi ended up on AdTurds.

• tv advert showing couple at orgy escaping in car
I refuse to believe such an advert exists.

• vipoo advert
The most poular search term of the year, barring various iterations of 'adturds', 'shit adverts', 'annoying adverts' and 'terrible adverts'

VIPoo advert

voltarol tennis advert
A bizarrely popular search term.

• we're putting cum inside m&ms ad
Nope. No idea.

• wearing top naked from the waist down
There's a scene featuring Julianne Moore from Short Cuts you're going to love.

• what idiot came up with that ad in your so money supermarket
Someone at Mother who probably earned a million's quid's worth of cocaine.

moneysupermarket advert strutter

• whats the character name of the tesco carritt man?
I don't know what this refers to, but The Carritt Man sounds like a Doctor Who baddie.

• when was the thank crunchie it's friday advert
Still gets a runout from time to time, as does the Milky Way advert. I approve.

• when watching film on tv it interrupts the program with a advert, whats wrong?
Boy have I got news for you.

• where did the hive advert singing bard get his guitar
A guitar shop?

• where does the arnie robot in the ppi advert come from?
This strikes me as a deep existential question. Perhaps a reminder that adverts are not real life would be useful at this juncture.

• who is fantastic guy from go compare
It's either Greg Wallace or David Yelland..

• who is that wanker on the direct line advert
You're not narrowing that down.

• who is the actress in the natwest /topcat advert
That's been bugging me and every time I see it I think she's the girl who played Rachel Jordache in Brookside.

top cat halifax advert

• whos the woman on the iceland advert who had mental breakdown
If we're talking about Iceland adverts I suspect there are several potential candidates.

• why are all toothpaste ads the same with the weird camera movements
I plead the fifth on this one

• why did james corden change the saying in the confused.com advert
As with James Corden's motivation for virtually anything, I suspect the answer is 'money'

• why do in hyundia car adverts do people always smile
Why wouldn't you smile if you were in a Hyundai advert?

• why do people hate clean bandit
Because they're dreadful? And because of the Cortana advert.

Clean Bandit Cortana advert

• why do they use fucking northern accents in fucking adverts
Northern accents are more trustworthy.

• why do toothbrush adverts use actresses with false teeth
I refuse to believe... etc

• why do they use overweight people for confused .com.adverts
I'd be surprised to find out this was a deliberate choice.

• why is greg wallace/such a twat
Probably because he had to go that Go Compare advert.

go compare taxi advert fantastic

• why is piers morgan such a cunt
For money. This is one of about a dozen queries about what a tosser Piers Morgan is.

• why tv adverts are bad
If I ever find I'll let you know.

There you have it. Alphabetised, sorted, curated and commented. And if you think some of them are bad you should have seen the ones I left out...

10Nov/170

All The Fucking John Lewis Christmas Adverts

So it's come to this. A John Lewis Christmas Advert rundown...

John Lewis #manonthemoon advert

2017 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Moz The Monster

 
I'll be honest with you, I'm losing this battle. Every year I come up with a new mode of attack on the John Lewis Christmas advert and every year they remain impassive - and then go ahead with another multi-million-spunking, heartstring-tugging bottom-lip trembler of an advert whose rough notation goes SAD-SAD-HAPPY-BUY AN EXPENSIVE BAR OF SOAP FOR SOMEONE YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE.
 

 
 

2016 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Buster The Boxer

 
I don't hate Christmas. I love Christmas, but I don't need a supermarket to fire a starting pistol for me and tell me how I'm supposed to feel about it. We live in an age where, apparently, we don't like people telling us what to do. Unless that involves a department store using a computer-generated animal to make you go shopping and post soppy scrap all over Facebook celebrating your compliance with an advertising message. Go on, do your duty. Go and share the John Lewis advert on Facebook like the dutiful consumers you are.

 
 

2015 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Man On The Moon

 
Ah, #manonthemoon - the true meaning of Christmas. Vile emotional manipulation filtered through the prism of unfettered capitalism, masquerading as a kindly old spinner of yarns. If the festive period isn't for assuaging your guilt by shedding a tear at this annual emo-porn debacle, then I don't know what is.
 

 
 

2014 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Monty The Penguin

 
You could set your clock by John Lewis adverts - not simply by when they turn up, but exactly what ingredients and in what order. It's an equation, refined and reduced by lots of cash, but an equation nonetheless, designed as dispassionately and as calculatedly as engine mapping on a new car. Weep and you weep at maths.
 

 
 

2013 John Lewis Christmas Advert: The Bear and the Hare

 
I could come up with something like that in 30 minutes if I had a strong cup of tea and pack of Jaffa Cakes. Animals, sadness, snow, anthropomorphism, love. Shake them up with some nice visuals and a cover of a sad song and you've got something that's as easy to put together as pound cake. And a good deal more bittersweetly nauseating.
 

 
 

2012 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Snowman

 
We all know the form by now. An effort that is fairly explicitly trying to make you cry. A precision-guided Cupid's Arrow aiming to shatter your emotional aorta and cause a blockage of sludgey mawk in your left ventricle. A psychological heart attack in advert form. In this one a snowman - bereft of a comedic genital carrot fetches some gloves for his missus (also a snowperson, but with no snowtits in evidence), requiring a massive trek across, apparently, a bit of England that resembles the Alps.
 

 
 

2011 John Lewis Christmas Advert: The Long Wait

 
It seems to be John Lewis' modus operandi to make viewers cry these days, with their ads ploughing a fairly shameless furrow that seems to work for them. Next year's advert will apparently feature a sickly kitten being stroked in front of an open fire by Terry Wogan for a full 120 seconds, while Gary Jules' Mad World plays in the background.
 

Tagged as: No Comments

Hate adverts?

This is the one chance you’ll ever get to fight back against terrible adverts. For once, the boot can be on the other foot. Deliver it to the knackers of evil – and hit the buttons below.

Still here?

You should definitely sign up below. Every extra follower makes Gladstone Brookes unhappy.