"Hurry up garlic, there's a dish in distress." So concludes this new Fage Yoghurt advert, which poses the unlikely TV detective pairing of, er, some garlic and some yoghurt.
I'm not convinced it's up there with Sherlock and Watson, or Morse and Lewis, but I'm well prepared to believe it's better than Rosemary & Thyme. As is traditional these days one of them - I'm guessing Yoghurt - will suffer from some sort of modish mental illness. Let's say anxiety attacks, for which she's undergoing a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
She's got a broken marriage behind her too and a strained (geddit) relationship with her two kids, who are called Curd and Good Bacteria. When life gets her down she's prone to hitting the bottle - and I don't mean tahini!
(Incidentally, the first few times I watched this advert I thought the simpering voiceover was talking about 'creamy strange yoghurt', which would be an interesting pitch).
Anyway, Garlic, he's easygoing and wisecracking. OK, he doesn't play by the book and he's got some rough edges, but he gets results. There's more than meets the eye to this Jack The Lad though. And if we know him like we think we do, Garlic has probably got his eye on a tasty dish! You're our hero, Garlic!
Together Yoghurt and Garlic will probably get into all sorts of scrapes. Plus there's the added 'will they; won't they' suspense. Think Mulder and Scully, but with an allium and milk fermentation. She's creamy and thick and he's flavour-packed.
Their arch enemy, Bland, is probably a crime-boss, though an oddly tasteless villain. Occasionally they meet up with underworld informant, Salt, and retired creeping vine, Cucumber.
If you hadn't guessed I thought this Fage Yoghurt advert was fucking ridiculous. Two things of note though. Fage? And how much raw of Garlic's flavoured-packed cloves are piling into Yoghurt in this ad? Dirty Garlic and Yoghurt! Get a room you two!
I cannot wait for someone to SFX a bunch of cocks into this new Mikado advert, in lieu of the sticks of Mikado biscuits these actors are chomping on with an abandon verging on reckless and positively orgasmic. In fact the slobbering 'nom-nom-nom' noises seen towards the end of the ad seem to almost invite the notion of a comedic blowjob. Go on - watch it now and imagine there's a big throbbing whopper being guzzled.
As a result I've uploaded a bunch of screengrabs from the ad, which urges biscuit eaters to 'Unleash Your Mikado' at precisely 2.15pm when you're at work. If any passing Photoshoppers have a spare five minutes while enjoying a cup of tea around that time, be my guest.
The time is actually significant as snack manufacturers believe there's something called the 'afternoon snacking market'. But what is the afternoon snacking market?
This artificial construct, being pushed mercilessly by advertisers, is a mid-meal break-out that should consist of ten minutes strolling around outside while eating an orange, but is more likely to be a listless ten-minute flick around social networks and consuming 300 calories of sugar, chocolate and butter at your desk.
Will it catch on? Undoubtedly. We live in an age of 'I do what I want' and in that context biscuit-makers aren't going out of business anytime soon - it's the capitalist equivalent of enabling alcoholism or being a feeder. I also think it unlikely that it's a coincidence the advert features three women to one man, no doubt reflecting the result of some violent focus-grouping.
In light of what seems to be a growing consensus over the dangers of sugar, I wonder whether we'll look back on adverts for snacks and junk food in the same way we now view ads for cigarettes or the fact we used to let kids play with lead soldiers.
In that context this silly, dayglo Mikado advert looks a lot less silly and rather more sinister. Though it is hard to overlook the potential for some Photoshop disruption - feel free to have at the pics below and upload them to 4chan or something.
Bonus turds for violently assaulting Toni Basil's Mickey too.
Mikado advert screengrabs