Right, skin does not have rights. I've read Locke, Aristotle, Plato, Rousseau and half a dozen others on rights. None of them make mention of the natural rights of skin.
There's not one, let alone three. And underarm skin? Definitely not. Life, liberty and property - not life, liberty and armpits. Nowhere in Locke's body of work do I remember a treatise on stinky pits.
This idea that humans have right pertaining to food, soap, communication and entertainment is another tiresome development of advertising – and another aspect of advertisers creating an artificial preception of total requirements in the minds of consumers.
In this case it's suggesting that deodorant is an inalienable right. Pathetic.
The only other thing that's remarkable about this truly absurd advert is wondering how many thousands of hours were spent photoshopping out titties and winkies.
If you're worried about any of the exaggerated threats made up by advertisers, AdTurds has some advice.
This advert is the latest in a recent series by Cabury's that don't actually promote chocolate, following the one with the eyebrows and the one with the gorilla.
I've found all of these vaguely irritating as they're so pleased with themselves, but this latest one if so off-the-charts bonkers, and affectedly bonkers at that, it's made it onto my list.
This one shows some sort of disembodied wooden head shooting out giant cocoa beans that turn into singers to sing a song called Zingolo. Everyone dances.
It's set in Ghana and a share of the profits from sales of the single go to the charity Care. This kind of bombproofs it against criticism. You'd have thought.
Cadbury's has been accused of promoting 'colonial stereotypes' by groups in the UK and in Ghana, and I think there may be a case to answer on that basis. But I'll leave it to the Indie to explain what's going on, as its pompous description of the situation is funnier that I could ever be.
The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) meets this week to discuss initiating a formal investigation into Cadbury's TV advert – slogan "show us your cocoa beam" – which features a giant, negroid rotating head that unleashes mass dancing among what appear to be highly excitable people in an African village.
The article goes on to explain that the ad marks Cadbury's move to being Fairtrade, which is good, but also explains that it portrays Africans as 'buffooning simpletons', which is bad.
Also bad is the fact that there's a protest video out there called 'Cadbury Sponsors Foolish African Tribal Monster Video'.
I'd say the people who made this advert should have seen this coming, but that would assume they weren't they weren't busy snorting cocaine out of each other's arseholes when they came up with the idea.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that this Cadbury's ad is racist, but it's certainly ill-judged and problematic. I find it hard to believe that at no point did no-one raise a faltering hand and ask if, you know, this might be a bad idea.
The Advertising Standards Authority is investigating. All of this is a shame because a massive multinational moving to using Fairtrade produce is laudable and worth celebrating.
But not like this. There's either a dubious post-modernism to this advert or a naivety so stultifying it almost defies belief. But then you remember we're dealing with people who work in advertising.
Ford's adverts are among the best of all car manufacturers, and with the likes of Beautifully Arranged Focus advert, This Is Now Fiesta advert and Ford Mondeo Desire advert they've been on a bit of a roll.
Ford's product is strong too, in Europe at any rate. The Ka, Fiesta, Focus, Mondeo and Kuga are pretty much market-leaders in their segments and the Kinetic design language translates pretty well across the line-up - it's certainly streets ahead of Ford's late 90s New Edge design, which didn't seem to feature any edges whatsoever.
So, an advert pushing most of Ford's new models and their smart looks is a good idea.
But Ford has chosen to highlight this facet of the models with the notion that the cars look like they're moving even when they're not. And that's all.
I'm fairly sceptical about this claim and the advert's claim to demonstrate this. But, further and more importantly, the only sane response to being told that a car looks like it's moving when it's not has to be a resounding "So what?".
Telling your customers that your design language is cool is neither nor there, and it's not even a claim that stands up to much scrutiny. I think it does. I know someone else who doesn't.
I don't think this is so much a bad advert, just a strange one. What a car is like when it is moving is what counts to me and, given that Ford's models are so strong, I'm baffled as to why the Kinetic design advert is being pushed so much.
Call me old-fashioned, but if bread started stalking me I'd be frightened, confused and angry. I'd be wondering why Warburtons, Allisons, Hovis, Mighty White or Kingsmill was trying to get me. If there was one thing likely to put me off eating bread it would be veiled threats from bread-makers.
That's exactly what appears to be happening in this vaguely Kafka-esque for advert for Warburtons, which apparently is now the nation's favourite.
It's all a bit like one of those reveals that Derren Brown does, where he shows people exactly how he's manipulated an ad executive in doing exactly what he wanted him to do.
Either that or it's like a British version of David Fincher's seminal paranoiac thriller The Game. With bread.
And why a Japanese businessman? What does bread have against Japan? He looks rightly terrified. I half expected a threatening note telling the guy in the advert to go back from whence he came under the dish at the end.
So, to sum up, bread. Once a tasty reassuring treat. Now the snack equivalent of Glenn Close. God help us.
There are two internets, that's an important first principal.
The first you know about: you use it for pornography, email, Facebook, buying stuff, deleting spam and listlessly whiling away your precious life doing nothing in particular.
The second is a technicolour delight, crammed with people of all colours and creeds doing amazing things. They're all so young, beautiful and thin. Somehow they relate to you, but it's not clear how.
This second internet is 'a place where time and space collide' And 'breed wonder and joy'. Wow!
Some day soon nerds will run out of things to do on the internet. We've got email, chat, shopping, news, video and free music at the moment. What else is there?
Barring smell-o-vision or virtual sex, I can't believe anyone is really going to be that amazed by the internet ever again. So advertisers have to go further and further out on a limb to impress how incredibly bloody amazing it is that you can follow Ashton Kutcher's Friendfeed.
The whole thing concludes with a new 'Yahoo!' yodel/jingle that's probably supposed to sound like everyone on Earth's singing it. 'Yahoo - it's you' is the fatuous new motto.
So, there are two internets. The one that actually exists, and the one that exists in the minds of advertisers.