What a selfish little bitch!
Wait until tomorrow, when your Dad's finally closed what's obviously the most important deal of his entire fricking life, a life he's probably devoted to bringing up his spoilt brat of a kid, lavishing undeserved attention and praise on you while you groom your fucking horse and get treated badly by blokes, because the weird relationship you have with your father has comprehensively fucked you up when it comes to the opposite sex.
And you, Dad, grow some fucking bollocks. I'm sure your special little girl has half a dozen clones she can discuss SATC, Glee and how shit men are with.
But mainly you, you snivelling little Daddy's Girl. Of course he left you; you have some disturbing electra-complex relationship with your old man.
Welcome to a life of disappointment, ruined relationships and co-dependency issues, concluded by an unhappy marriage to a man 30 years your senior.
• Ways to improve this advert: He drives to her car, slaps her around the face, tells her to grow up and goes back to his meeting. I bet there's not a person alive who believes that's not a better ending
We've had a shit world cup advert already, but Nike has come along with a good one to balance things out a bit.
There's a full three-minute superstargasm version of Write The Future that's a bit hard to swallow, and the 'making of' vid is like a parody of art-advert wank, but this little 30-second spot about a parallel universe version of Wayne Rooney is brilliant.
While the ad's director can think of only 'street-wise' by way of praise for Rooney - and the making-of vid shows Rooney's sole observation on the making of the ad to be that it was so cold he had to wear a coat - the sight of a hugely-bearded, down-at-heel Rooney genuinely amused me.
And the recollections of two trailer-park types on Wayne obsessively practicing the fateful move that resulted in his downfall over and over again, and the day Rooney emerged from his caravan to be faced with a huge picture of Franck Ribery, his nemesis in the ad, are spot-on too.
So, all very good. But rather similar to Reebok's 'Other careers' spots well over a decade ago.
Those ads uncovered the hiterto undetected deadpan talents of Andy Cole, who might have turned out as a chip-shop attendant if he's bought a packet of fireworks instead of a pair of Reebok footy boots.
Talent borrows etc.
NB. If anyone can locate a version of the Andy Cole ad I'd love to see it again. It really was very funny.
'That Friday Feeling' is a phrase that's passed into the vernacular - transcending the advertising medium to make the leap into the everyday.
Crunchie, despite being sickly-sweet and horribly sticky, is synonymous with the sensation of fun that only an oncoming weekend can truly bring - or at least the saying is. 'Thank Crunchie it's Friday', we used to say.
Think of those great 80s Crunchie ads, that still get an airing from time-to-time. They are, in a way, timeless and now bring with them a healthy dose of pleasant nostalgia.
It shouldn't be too difficult to update that meme, to make it relevant for new age. But how to communicate that sense of helpless excitement that a Friday Feeling should truly inspire?
Ad agency Fallon, which recently won the Crunchie brief, think that this is best done by a bloke doing some of that shit, ironic karaoke that's currently fashionable to the tune of Tina Turner's We Don't Need Another Hero. It's funny, see?
Is it actually bad? I dunno, but I can't even summon up the energy to have at it; it's simply so boring. It's a kind of been-there-done-that ad that's so tried-and-tested it summons up nothing more than the ennui of a Sunday afternoon, hungover and mindlessly watching shit TV on Channel 4, waiting for Monday to inevitably roll around.
And, frankly, I kinda doubt that's the kind of vibe that Cadbury's was aiming for.
Crunchie Rocks advert
• Compare and contrast with this delirious 30 seconds of animated brilliance from two decades ago.
Classic Cadbury's Crunchie advert
I enjoyed the first two thirds or so of this. Yes, it slots into every box-ticking FUCKING FOOTY IS FUCKING BRILLIANT AND MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING! category imaginable these days.
Yes there's the usual dodgy jingoism about it all, and, yes it's the usual footy+lager/MacDonalds/chocolate meme we get every world cup (see also: Venables, Redknapp and Wright disaster confluence).
I like Jackie Charlton's appearance - it's a link back to football was a nobler, less commodified pursuit - and I like some of the voiceover; it's almost as if it's a reminder to overpaid, spoilt Premiership stars to buck their bloody ideas up and remember they're not just playing for themselves.
The appearance of some of England's foremost sportspeople is an important reminder than we're a little country capable of great things, before it goes all foreigner-baiting with the quite astonishing "You'll make them regret the day they took on England!'.
Worse than that, though, is the use of the images of Bobby Moore and, especially Bobby Robson. Using Robson's image, particularly, to sell shit lager seems like the height of bad taste to me. Yes, as a Newcastle United fan, but also as a human being. The guy died less than a year ago. Jesus.
And then all hell breaks loose. Kasabian - a band I associate mainly with binge-drinking, Saturday night city-centre violence and shit gangster films - and eye-rolling ENGERLAND! bollocks and Botham twatting about in chainmail. And Aslan.
Promising start. Feeble, predictable, depressing end. Can you guess where I'm going with this?
So, how long will this one last? Ads that feature anything that even suggests animal cruelty is on thin ice, and liable to get banned in the end, just ask Ford - who actually decapitated a moggy in ads for the SportKa a few years ago.
Of course, the ad doesn't have the courage of its convictions. Despite telling us that there's nothing that can be done for Tiddles, we get a shot of the cat at the end of the ad that shows it to be fine. Curiously, I've not noticed this in the ads that have shown on TV though.
Either way, there'll be complaints, there'll be apologies and there'll be more media interest. Given that this ad is pretty irrelevant and generally uninspired - its enough to make you wonder why they went this this ad in the first place.
Perhaps Labour is putting the KISS mantra into place with its viral ads in the 2010 General Election; perhaps they think that everyday TV faces recognised by millions will win over floating voters, or at least get the core vote out.
Or perhaps they're totally skint. Either way, these ads from Labour featuring Ross Kemp (dig at the missus?), Sean Pertwee and Eddie Izzard are startling in their simplicity - and appear to feature the celebrities speaking for themselves on voting in the election.
The Road Ahead has a bit more to it, with Pertwee hiking across the British countryside, but the Izzard and Kemp spots have a plain background, little in the way of graphics or soundtrack and two men putting over a very simple message.
I think they're good, in that they're communicating a simple message clearly, though whether that's come about as a result of Labour being strapped is unclear.
I often wonder why government agencies don't ape this simple approach when attempting to communicate the likes of tax credits, digital switchovers and getting on the electoral role.
The ads generally trotted out are so convoluted as to be indistinguishable from the diaspora of modern advertising - does anyone really remember that daft digital one with the little robot and ugly man? - but what do I know?
Doing simple things well is rarely fashionable, and who's going to pay for all of those second homes for ad execs if every ad features Michael Parkinson talking his sodding pension?
But I'd stake my collection of digital PR newsletters that it would work. Keep It Simple, Stupid is a mantra we'd do well to observe in most walks of life.
60 seconds - Ross Kemp
Brilliant Britain - Eddie Izzard
The Road Ahead - Sean Pertwee
Change - Bill Bailey
They'll be voting Labour
Bill Bailey, Jo Brand, Liz Dawn, Leonard Fenton, Prunella Scales, Tony Robinson, Peter Guinness and Roberta Taylor explain why they'll be voting Labour on Thursday.