Everest adverts
I don't have a massive problem with these 'you didn't expect Everest to be doing that' adverts, but they do invite the point that no-one has ever pondered what Everest does with its products. It's the answer to a question no-one has ever asked.
Along the same lines, you might pose such questions as:
"Did you know Hartlepool Mill House Leisure Centre has a waterslide that goes outside?";
"What would David Cameron look like with rubies for eyes?";
"Could Kris Marshall run across the backs of several alligators without getting eaten?" and
"What happens if you bake a dildo into a birthday cake?"
In fact, all of those questions are more likely to be asked than "I wonder what Everest will be using in its products in 25 years' time?"
A far more fitting question might be 'what the hell were those people thinking ripping out those sash windows and sticking some awful uPVC fittings in?"
All the shit bits of the BT family adverts
Finally, the montage you've been waiting for. All the memorable bits from the BT family adverts, especially the bit where Adam and Jane tell all their family and friends that Adam is dying from an incurable disease.
Curiously, there's no appearance from the one that got banned for BT exaggerating the speed of their internet provision. And there's the bit where Adam and his stags watch some hardcore Swedish grumble together. Charming.
I think it's utterly insane that people actually want to watch this stuff, but then again over 10,000 have people have watched it on Youtube. So what do I know.
Now fuck off forever, BT family.
Sky Sports News advert
Sky Sports News is utter shit. That's an important first principle. It consists of football gossip culled from newspapers and Twitter reported as exclusives over looped footage of training ground tedium.
It shows endless shots of minor Premiership footballers walking to their cars with the same reheated gossip you can read anywhere on the internet.
It has the kind of absurdly trumped-up graphics, 'infobars' and music that would leave Chris Morris scratching his head.
Anchors read the most fatuous footy tittle tattle as if they're delivering the news of the Berlin Wall coming down.
Endless adverts appear for it all over Sky's network - which you have to pay for anyway - and Sky Sports News itself is constantly interrupted by advert breaks.
And now it's in HD. So fucking what? Why would I want to watch perma-tanned middle-aged blokes witter on about lower league transfer in gossip IN HIGH DEFINITION?
I once sat in a mate's house while everyone watched, anesthetised, the same shit looped over and over and over again - while there was actual sport on.
The only place where there's any point whatsoever to Sky Sports News is when you're at the bar in the pub, when you may just possible catch a glimpse of something you actually want to see.
When you're watching Sky Sports News you're not living, you're simply existing. I like sport, pretty much all sport, but there's something wrong when people actually care about an interview with the child who caught Craig Bellamy's new Cardiff City shirt.
And in what crazy fucking world does the the news 'Blackpool agree fee with Bournemouth for striker Brett Pittman' warrant a BREAKING NEWS banner?
And now, absurdity of absurdities, Sky wants to charge you to watch Sky Sports News. It's a piece of work so incredible it can only reasonably be described as genius, albeit evil genius.
Take something of zero value, pretend it's important, and make people pay for it. That's Sky all over, but the idea of paying to watch a bloke sitting a desk reading a teleprompter while stock footage of Deepdale on an overcast Tuesday afternoon plays in the background is sheer insanity.
Sky Sports News is the closest thing to TV simply broadcasting an incapacitating drone and blasting subliminal messages into viewers' heads.
WATCH FOOTBALL. BUY STUFF YOU DON'T NEED. CARE ABOUT WORTHLESS THINGS. LOOK AT JEFF STELLING. That's pretty much all you need to to know about it.
Stupid, stupefying, witless, pointless, numbing, worthless, idiotic, empty white noise.
Am I the only one wearing the sunglasses?
ToolStation advert: metrosexual plumbers
What's startling about this advert isn't so much the idiotic dancing and crappy re-appropriation of the popular drunk auntie's wedding/Christmas party favourite Hokey Cokey but the weird casting.
Why are all the plumbers and builders in this thing so damn perfectly groomed? There's a guy in a hat with creepily white teeth who looks like he's spent at least four hours sculpting his beard using some kind of Braun LadyTrim.
Another determinedly metrosexual bloke with a chiselled jaw and floppy hair is looking at radiator fittings on his computer when surely he should be looking at a Ryan Seacrest fan site. (Or the website of a model casting agency.)
There is one bald, gurning, cockerney geeeeeza who does genuinely look a bit like a plumber. Unfortunately, the eye is distracted by his massive over-acting and weird, rigid, zombie-like dancing skills.
Actually, the song is fairly startling. At the start at lease it sounds like it's being sung by elves whereas later it just goes comically out of tune.
Not a wholehearted advertising success.
Adam and Jane BT advert – what did happen next
So, Jane is preggers, who saw that coming?
Apparently over 1.6m people voted in the 'What happens next' BT advert vote, with over 70 per cent voting for the 'with child' option.
Why on Earth anyone would want to do this is beyond me, but there you go.
As for AdTurds readers, they voted for Adam throttling himself with his phone cord in frustration at BT's poor customer service, narrowly edging out 'Jane is constipated'.
But if all that's a little too scatological for you, here's the amazing suggestions that BT really liked on its site:
I feel Jane should be pregnant scared and confused. Of course it is Adam's and Adam is over the moon he jumps on the plane flies over and says lets get married....NOW! The whole family goes to a registry office and gets married ! It then jumps forward 9 months to show the baby and they are all smiling and phoning their family x
I think that Adam and Jane should marry, have a baby and become a nice family. I also think that Jane's ex will also find a new partner for himself and also have a child then all can meet up on a regular basis and be friendly for the sake of the children.
Jane's ex-husband will text her and say we need to talk about the kids, they should meet up and he will tell Jane he still loves her and wants to make it work and then he will kiss Jane
Fucking fascinating we're sure. Here's some suggestions from viewers on BT's own Youtube page. The first is the 'most popular' response.
I don't know whether this is heroic social media chops from BT or heroically insane to allow comments like this, but there you go:
Jane continues to rub her stomach, dropping the phone to the floor. Her right hand goes to her breast, stroking and teasing her nipple softly. The camera pans back.
Jane's left hand has slipped under the waistband of her trousers. Her hand moves further in, her fingers quite obviously stroking and rubbing her most intimate area.
A low sultry gasp escapes her lips, her right hand moving from her breast, sliding under the pillow for her vibrator....
what happens next ? I know ! he finds out that his best mate and her and having a affair and well he aint happy ! so what he does is get a knife and go round her house and stab her 57 times in the belly killing her and the baby in her !
then he robs 30 banks in a row give all the money to NASA so that he can fly up to the moon. On the moon he meets 5 aliens who are planning to blow up Earth and he decided to help them.
The line suddenly goes dead - they ring the BT faults department and find out that there's a fault at the exchange! It turns out that an engineer accidentally disconnected her line when they were turning on a neighbour's broadband connection.
Cue a montage of them on the phone to the faults department and checking the fault status on the website, lifting the receiver to see if it is working yet, days flying off a calendar. The advert ends with the woman sobbing and rocking gently in the corner.
Once people start voting on the outcome of ads they are finished as human beings!
Adam meets up with Jane at the weekend. Jane is acting weirdly. Adam is cautious, but in an instant, a chestburster alien bursts out her chest. But instead of attacking Adam instantly, it fuses with Jane's bottom, to become an evil alien hybrid known as the Jane-uss.
The Jane-uss leaps at Adam, but Adam manages to whip out his wang in time, firing several litres of acidic ninja sperm at Jane-uss. The Jane-uss subsequently is impregnated creating the Ninja-Sperm-Jane-Uss Alien Hybrid.
The End
All of which seems far more entertaining to us. Anyway, here's the stunning reveal:
Scariest TV logos…ever
Looking back at these idents, most of which are from the US, it's clear how utterly terrifying the 80s was.
Graphics, music, fonts, jingles - every aspect of it seems to be a vision of a hellish Paul Verhoeven future of disturbing, discordant electronica; driving synths; stark primary colours and vague, subliminal suggestions of global dominance.
The things reek of the things I associate the early 80s with: imminent nuclear destruction, cocaine-fuelled excess, splatter-filled action film and some really fucking freaky music.
That Hanna Barbera one is a strong memory from my youth, and it's pretty frightening. Approaching doom in the shape of a multicoloured swirling star. Another scary celestial body appears in the DIC spot seconds later.
But at least it doesn't seem calculated to terrify like the Paramount one. And who did the music for the Simitar Entertainment ident? Vangelis?
Weiss Global Enterprises. In my mind, they have a huge, faceless black tower block in New York. Get to the top, and you enter a cavernous board room in blackness. The CEO steps forward into a shaft of light. He is a cyborg.
The Viacom spot sounds like something the BBC Radiophonic Workshop would have made to represent someone's mind falling apart in a radio play.
Metromedia Television. Presumably created by something one of one-way journey to Acid Casualty City.
The orange Boston thing towards the end? A David Cronenberg nightmare.
World Vision Entertainment? An evil John Carpenter multinational that's actually a front for aliens to take over the world using mind control.
Seriously scary shit. I think they should bring them all back.
BT Adam & Jane advert – what happens next?
BT seems to be labouring under the illusion that we're all on the edge of our seats, wondering what manner of fascinating event the next exciting installment of the BT family will bring.
The Adam and Jane saga has wended its tiresome way across our screens for five years now, with the tiresome inevitably of a semi-regular bout of the shits.
There's been a few suggestions that the series, not even derailed when Kris Marshall was run over by a car, is coming to an end, and now this gimmick where we're being asked to vote on what happens next.
As Jane spends the advert being hormonal and rubbing her belly, it's fairly obvious that the choice involves pregnancy. Those who actually bother to log on to the BT website will be met with this earth-shattering choice:
A> Jane is pregnant
B> Jane isn't pregnant
Replies on BT's own Youtube channel have a few more interesting suggestions, suggesting the general public aren't especially enamoured of the couple. They include:
My idea is that he goes into her facebook account and discovers she's a crack whore with loads of clients. He poses as a client wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and drills her in the bum mercilessly until she explodes.
Miscarriage
I vote for a termination
How about, Jane comes home to find Adam balls deep in the daughter, then BT get a huge surge of new customers in Norfolk
She dies in childbirth
And they're among the more considered choices. There's always a certain amount of this sort of thing that goes on when companies open up their marketing campaigns to the public, but BT has rather misjudged the mood in my opinion, with the public ripping an unloved company and unloved campaign.
Given that BT's options amount to something of a Hobson's Choice, I've compiled a few myself. Vote below on your favourite.
Adam and Jane BT advert - What Happens Next?