We just kissed dignity goodbye, quick quick
We just sold our souls, quick quick.
Twatty, shitty, ***y, twunty
We just look like twats, quick quick.
I just sold my car, shit deal
I just sold my car, how much?
Fuck all; shit call
We just sold our car; risky
We just sold our car; dodgy
Although we weren't aware of the administration fee that costs £49.99*. And we had to get to their dealership to pick the car up ourselves. And I received a below-par valuation for my car that would have fetched more at private sale. And we were warned by other customers - who posted all over the internet - of the pushy sales techniques at the dealership we took the car to, where they downgraded the offer significantly, having kicked a tyre and mumbled something about a dodgy head gasket. And they don't buy Category A or B write-offs.
*Although after an Advertising Standards Authority ruling against WeBuyAnyCar.com they did amend their advertising accordingly. Still, why ruin such a delightful ditty?
So, a couple of months after a gibberish advert that made everyone think Confused.com is a dating site, we now have an advert that makes people think, er, something else not obviously related to price comparison websites.
This time Diana Ross's Chain Reaction gets the awful warbling treatment from Louise Dearman, which means Cara Fucking Confused is throwing herself around the screen like a swivel-eyed tramp with St Vitus' Dance, pulling bunches of flowers out of her muff alongside a load of other cult members, most of which seem to have pendulous bouncing breasts and are of every bloody ethnic grouping and various abilities or disabilities known to man – just to reinforce that Cara's Jonestown-like cult don't discriminate.
Interestingly, as I write this, the new Confused.com advert has 29 likes and seven dislikes – a particularly high rate of dislikes for advert on Youtube, where the like-to-dislike ratio is usually around five per cent.
I find this heartening. Despite the idiotic campaign across multiple platforms, despite the money that's obviously been chucked at it there are many who hate this shitty advert as much as I do.
Just not as heartening as I'd find seeing Cara skewered on a gigantic spike as all her followers slump to the ground, having drunk their last drink at their lunatic leader's final command.
Now fuck off.
AdTurds is fairly nonplussed by the apparently bomb-proof Redknapp clan, advertising's new royalty. While neither seem unpleasant in any way (well, annoying yes, but not actively unpleasant), they're not the most engaging of couples and their ubiquity is baffling.
Redknapp survived the carnage at Sky by virtue of being - by all accounts - a nice bloke and having the good grace to look uncomfortable and embarrassed by Richard Keys' talk of 'smashing' a lady known to both of them.
Keys went even further, adding that - in his opinion - one may have found Redknapp at any given time 'hanging out the back of it'. Charming.
So while there's no mention of Redknapp hanging out the back of anything in this ad for a Nintendo Wii footy game, it is perhaps unfortunate that Jamie Redknapp can be seen encouraging his young son to 'smash it'.
Take a bow, son.
Does anything say 'consider the ethical implications of mechanised farming' like a load of models sucking carrots as if they're cocks?
Fucking pathetic stuff from PETA, who should be ashamed of themselves.
Here's a previous effort, and how Jezebel saw it:
As one blonde woman throws off her jacket and proceeds to caress some asparagus, drawing it down her stomach and toward her crotch, another scantily-clad woman licks a pumpkin. Yet another toys seductively with some broccoli. As crappy faux-metal music plays, words flash across the screen: "Studies show vegetarians have better sex." The message is clear: ladies love their vegetables.
It all turned out to be a deliberate publicity stunt. Stupid stunts.
As any fool know, car adverts tend to be the best during the commercial break. More cash to splash, more cool to sell, more creative licence, more humour, better visuals.
So car ads tend to look better and be more engaging than any others. Many of them are little art forms in their own right: expounding on the car as expression of freedom; pushing that emotional connection; as a driver of industry and innovation and - sometimes - as an excuse to go totally batshit crazy.
Ford Fiesta - This Is Now
Great combination of visuals and audio.
Peugeot 206 - Sculptor
Great soundtrack, nice idea. Would have been even better if the result had been an Austin Ambassador.
Citroen C5 - Unmistakeably German
Witty and so well executed, even down the phenomenally German-looking bloke in the ad. Part of a current push by volume manufacturers to take their cars upmarket towards BMW, Mercedes and the like. Because of stuff like this - and ever-improving products - that push is working, to some extent.
Honda - Impossible Dream
This looks great and it's quite affecting. But its actually telling the story of Honda through various semi-hidden details and references. As such it's kind of a piece of corporate art, but it looks great so what the hell?
Volkswagen Golf - Night Driving
This is simply one of my favourite things ever. Richard Burton reads Dylan Thomas over Cliff Martinez. Stunning. Beautiful. Moving. Simply incredible.
Citroen C4 - Transformer
Wonderful bonkers stuff from Citroen, with two adverts that suit its leftfield, quirky brand image superbly. Pity they're for the C4, probably one of the more boring cars on the road.
Honda Civic - Choir
Clever, clever, clever.
Car ads can be funny too. Here's Mark Heap demonstrating that emotional connection - the reason people spend such huge amounts of cash on things that depreciate like a concrete narwhal.
Volkswagen Golf GTi - Singin In The Rain
Lovely stuff. Well conceived and executed by David Elsewhere.
Audi RS4 - Spider
Making your car appear genuinely terrifying is a brave move, but kinda an obvious one for performance saloons like the fearsome RS4 when you consider the kind of people likely to buy one.
Honda Accord - Cog
All-time stone-cold classic.
Vauxhall - Sledgehammer
One of my favourites advert ever; a great mix of visuals and music and so memorable. Pity it ruins it with that awful Clapton riff that was Vauxhall's corporate jingle for years.
Ford Puma - Bullitt
Tricky to reference something so iconic, but great CGI and the best car of all time - the Ford Puma of course - make it work. Awkward CGI in many ads since have shown the dangers of such an ad.
Dunlop - Tested for the Unexpected
Fucking insane. Tony Kaye genius. It's advertising tyres!
Citroen CX - Le Beaute Sauvage
A giant Grace Jones head in the desert burps out a Citroen CX, also driven by Grace Jones. She shouts and drives back into her own head. Presumably it's all meant to evoke savage beauty, rather than ungainly French rust-bucket. Fucking mental, as Citroen adverts should be.
Simplicity itself - and all the more memorable for it.
Genuinely driving a car onto a genuine airbag? Could there be a better way of embedding your brand with the fundamental concept of safety? Works for Volvo.