If you made children speak pure evil it could barely be any more hateful than this. Even Youtube’s dullard community has given this one – apparently made by someone who thought Nathan Barley an aspirational film – the thumbs down, and in spades.
Simpering brats, spoilt wretches, precocious twats, sullen teens, behatted twerps, helmet-fucking-heads. Virtually every one of these kids is made to look truly vile with the hideous words spilling out of their Benetton-via-Village-of-the-Damned global village visages.
“You’d better embed everything,” growls one of them as if it’s some sort of sexual threat.
“With intent!,” scowls another. As if describing the way by which he’s about to shove a milk bottle in an old lady’s face.
Still, I much prefer them to the ones who are smiling cutely at me. They look like the Devil. But there’s more.
“We expect a double tap… on anything!”
Who. The Fuck. Wrote this drivel? I mean, really. Just try listening to it without realising that we’re doomed as a race. I challenge you to watch all the way to the end. But should you get to bit of the video at 1.03 then make sure there is someone familiar and comforting nearby, waiting with a cup of warm cocoa and the family cat. Because what you see will chill you to your smallest quark.
“There are more of us… than there are of you.”
Suddenly it’s not so, well, hateful. It’s something else. Remember those other threats? “With intent!” “You’d better embed!”
“Don’t overstep the mark… otherwise we’ll block you!,” intone the evil twins in surround sound. Those two are probably telekinetic.
“Mass blocks kill brands overnight.”
Replace ‘brands’ with ‘grown-ups’ and it all falls into place; it all swims into terrifying, crystal clarity. Our children are going to kill us. With ringtones and Bebo. This is the proof. They’ve got special skills!.
We must strike first. With fists and shovels and baseball bats.
Because the alternative is these small monsters smiling as they take a picture of your expiring corpse on their iPhone. And you just know there’s going to be synergies. And the leveraging.
Dear God, the leveraging…
Hat-tip: Media 1986