If you're thinking "well, that headline's a bit uncalled for" then you may be right.
But that's how one AdTurds readers sees things, according to our latest trawl of Google Analytics data.
It kind of sums up the most active relationship most people have with adverts - they go onto the internet to seek them out, more often that not to complain about them, I suspect.
What else can we learn from this month's keywords? Well, fuck all to be honest, though I've jotted fown a few thoughts below. But first, a few stats on frequently-used keywords:
Shit - 125: used most frequently in conjunction with Halifax
Annoying - 59: Halifax, Barclays and Direct Line
Worst - 42: Halifax
Hate - 43: Halifax, BT and Louise Redknapp
Fuck - 37: Natwest, Boots, Kia, Yahoo, Jacamo
Jizz - 10: Creme Eggs
Vagina - 10: Confused.com
A resounding victory for Halifax again in most stakes (quite a few banks are getting it in the neck, can't think why), though I'm not sure whether it's better or worse to be associated with simply bad adverts as opposed to stuff like 'jizz' and 'vagina'. Clearly the people behind Cadbury's and Confused.com feel otherwise.
May 2011 amusing keyword phrases
"here come the girls" fuck off - 31 instances
natwest helpful banking fuck off - 16 instances
keith ian and andy twats
"cheryl baker" boobs
"keith ian and andy" who the fuck is responsible?
absolut sclerosis of the liver tony kaye
adverts on bum
bears by naugthy turd company
big hairy audacious goals
cadburys adverts pretentious shite
can we ban the halifax ads
companies that clean pigeon shit in halifax
confused .com advert complaints breasts
confused adverts laptop vagina
confused.com bouncing tits
confused.com with tits bouncing around
country price comparison prostitutes - there's a niche eh, Confused.com?
cream egg advert like cum shot
cream egg up pussey
dale winton goldfish my gold
davina mccall poo
dear yahoo, fuck your adverts, you cunts!
germaine greer featured in suck
halifax ads do it again annoying the fuck out of us
halifax adverts hope they fucking die
has the man off the bt adverts died?
horrible jammie dodger monkeys
how deep is morgan freeman's voice
i dont understand the cadbury creme egg advert
if women had dicks
is ray parker jr. gay?
jacamo is for fat bastards
jamie redknapp hate
jammie dodger advert horrible
jammie dodger annoying advert
jizzing all over the world
kfc advert we got family creepy
louise redknapp sounds so stupid
mandelson, arrogant little shit
meerkat advert that goes makes us brown makes us brown
memorable for the wrong reason (irritating advertisements in the uk advertising industry 2011)
natwest robbing fuckers
natwest shit awful banking
negative points about cadbury eyebrow
nick knight wrestling
pepsi max advert cunts
samsung galaxy is a fat brick turd
stupid bum shoes
that kid is gonna grow up fat in betty crocker advert
thrush and masturbation
tv advert were woman puts shit in her purse
up your bingo advert makes no sense
video sex with loathing
we buy any car chavvy
what the fuck is going on with those stupid cadburys ads?
what would happen if you ate too many cadburys chocolate fingers?
what's the annoying bullshit music behind the natwest adverts?
who is responsible for halifax adverts
who is the milf in aviva ad
why doesn't 118118 just fuck off
women fucking man advert
wouldn't you agree gary linaker
you wouldn't steal a car fuck you i would
bt jane nipple slip
Something that interests me, at least, is the way that people are starting to write search engine queries in the same way they might ask another human, rather than the more recognised search engine interrogation containing keywords. What does this mean for advertisers, marketers and social media marketers? I'm fucked if I know.
Elsewhere we can see that Confused.com is now most associated with bouncing animated breasts and cavernous magical vaginas. Nice bit of branding there, guys.
"dear yahoo, fuck your adverts, you cunts!" fascinates me - is someone at Yahoo intended to see this? Could SERPS data be used by companies to gauge public reaction to campaigns? Again, that's a question for someone else to answer but it's an interesting proposition.
People are still fascinated by the Morgan/Morethan Freeman adverts - is this going to be the first of a series of ads that borrow a celeb's voice just for the borrowed interest? We'll see.
"negative points about cadbury eyebrow" is another one that interest me - it reflects a trend among the keyword searches where people clearly want to be told why an advert is bad. Weird.
NatWest might find some of the results interesting - despite the customer charter the vast majority of searches are from people annoyed with NatWest for poor banking experiences or their nasty little charges.
I love the implicit criticism in stuff like 'who is responsible for halifax adverts'. Halifax is probably the most hated brand by AdTurds keywords.
Anyway, plenty to chew on until next time. Keep foaming at the mouth, people.
The following comes with the caveat that VW produced the greatest ad ever a few years ago in the shape of Night Driving
This isn't an especially bad advert as it goes if you watch it without the sounds off, but it is advertising something resolutely dull.
What elevates it to egregiousness is its use of God Only Knows, which is possibly the most beautiful song ever written on what's possibly the best album ever written with some of the most sublime string and wind arrangements ever and the most stunningly perfect vocal ever recorded.
A blissed-out, ethereal, ingenuous love song written in the heady of days of mid 60s Californ-i-ay that not only speaks of one of the most evocative times in the world's history but is recognised as one of the most stunning pieces of work ever created by human hands.
Somehow, then, I find it a tad hard to believe that Brian Wilson had in mind the Volkswagen Caddy when he was crafting this love song to love itself – so a pox on the houses of those people who decided to defile it with images of a sodding commercial vehicle from industrial Germany.
People may love their old camper vans, a vehicle most probably seen around the beaches of west coast America in the 60s, but that's about as far as those emotional connections with cars go. They do not love modern day Caddy Maxis, Caravelles or Crafter Dropsides.
The emotional connection between man and vehicle is harder to define; harder to predict and harder to create. Scarcity, design, character, nostalgia, luck and context are all here. The old camper van had it, the old Beetle, the old Mini, the Porsche 944, the Alfasud, the Ursaab, the Citroen DS, early Land Rovers, the Dodge Charger, the Pontiac Trans-Am, the Jag E-Type, the Ferrari Dino and dozens of others.
Few modern-day equivalents do, for most of the reasons outlined above. It's the difference between loving a first edition of The Great Gatsby and loving a copy of Katie Price's new hagiography given away free with this month's copy of Heat Magazine.
To suggest otherwise is just wrong-headed but to chuck a load of cash at this ad in an attempt to lend some reflected sheen is not just lazy, it's virtually sacrilegious. What next? Waterloo Sunset playing over some loving shots of Toilet Duck being sprayed around a dirty lav? Johnny Cash singing Hurt in Halifax's hellish radio station? Eno's Ending (An Ascent) playing while Gio Compario bums a pig in the new Go Compare ads?
Whoever matched this ad to this song should spend 12 solid months driving around Romford in a modern VW van, hauling bags of animal feed in and out of it, listening solely to Talk Sport and staring at the latest dog-eared copy of The Sun with its dead-eyed celebs - until their soul locks itself into a small, dark room and thinks long and hard about what it did on the day it matched the most eye-wettingly beautiful noise ever created to one of the most boring devices in modern life, in an effort to encourage SME fleet managers on the M4 corridor to choose a a Volkswagen Crafter CR35 LWB 2.5 BlueTDI Luton instead of a Citroen Relay 35 2.2Hdi Luton Tailift.
What's with making biscuits into characters these days? My basic criteria for whether a biscuit interests me or not is whether it's crammed full of sugar, butter jam, caramel, cream, toffee and other such filth, not whether it's called Jonathan.
Still, with chocolate dodgers and toffee dodgers joining the classic jammie dodgers I suppose it was only a matter of time before we had three biscuits called Choccie, Toffee (not Tofee-ee?) and Jammie vying for our attention.
But who could have foreseen that they'd have monkey heads? Grotesque, jerking marionettes with a monkey head in the middle of a jammy dodger aren't something I'd immediately decide I wanted to put in my mouth, if I'm honest, but there's a bit of a trend of late to just throw a lot of dumb, knowing references into adverts and see what comes out the other side.
It's as tedious as it's bizarre, a group-think corporate notion of surreal. But they're actually quite disturbing too, like the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz have pitched up in a tea-time treat to freak the shit out of your young ones.
I'd like to think that Jammie Money Dodger rips the woman's face off in the ad, as monkeys are inclined to do if they're the sort of rascally monkeys that hang around cities on the Med.
As if the supermarket ad weren't enough, here's a hilarious extended spot showing the monkeys dancing in some tiresome Youtube thing that LOLing kids will listlessly watch for 23 seconds on Facebook.
Ehhhhhh, anyways here's Ed Maxwell, account director at VCCP who have the brief and also do a number of other 'talking animal/thing' ads, including the Meerkat ones:
"With this campaign we wanted to convey the mischief at the heart of every biscuit and unlock the love which families have for this classic British brand."
Hmm, it's better than 'challenging and daring' I suppose, but personally I now find it impossible to imagine eating a jammie dodge without a horrible little monkey's head in the middle of it, grimacing as if it's in the process of knocking one out - like all monkeys seem to on a regular basis - and chirping away at me in that awful whiney estuary accent that all ad voiceovers deploy these days to show that they're on the same wavelength as the rest of us scum.
So now, instead of thinking of jam and sugar and butter I think of one of those vicious little monkeys that grab your ice-cream in Morocco, shouting about toffee and tossing its shiny little cock off.
Urgh. I'm not hungry any more.
NB. Have a look at the monkey dace off one. At 45 seconds the chocolate monkey jammie dodger thing is, quite clearly, rubbing one out. Dirty monkey.
And here's some other stuff this brings to mind.
There's an interesting philosophical debate in ethics that ponders whether people would commit crimes if they were assured of escaping any consequences, criminal or otherwise.
The issue, of course, is whether people act within the confines of civil society because of morality or because of fear of repercussions.
This is the sort of thing that becomes evident in relation to crimes people might consider minor. Some light tax fiddles, various traffic offences and – perhaps most widespread in this day and age – copyright theft.
What you take to mean by that is up to you but the most obvious example is downloading of music, TV shows, software and films. It's easy and it's free and there seems to be little chance of punishment, so people do it.
This is arguably an extension of copying a tape or CD for a mate or even video taping TV programmes. Although these things were technically illegal there was no chance of prosecution; and there was no obvious victim in the crime. That's apparently the case these days with downloading, despite a few high profile cases where largely blameless people have been utterly, despicably, ruined by a desperate publishing industry.
These companies have seen their profits dwindle and the industry now spends most of its time whingeing to various governments to crack down on downloaders, despite the fact that this is clearly now impossible. There are the odd adverts in newspapers and on TVs, including the utterly hopeless Knock-off Nigel ads that attempted to suggest that everyone hates people who buy cheap DVDs down the pub.
This is so hopelessly muddled, if touchingly naive, it's really beyond parody and it's hard to believe anyone ever though that the imagined distaste of strangers might deter people from buying a copy of Mission: Impossible II from the Chinese bloke in the Farmer's Arms.
So things had to be stepped up and one of the most outrageous developments in home entertainment was allowed to pass. Namely, the unskippable anti-piracy advert that features at the beginning of many legitimately-bought DVDs.
Several DVD box-sets that I have purchased, probably paid hundreds of pounds for, accuse me of being a criminal every time I want to watch them. It's literally impossible to skip or fast forward them. Some DVD box sets contain dozens of episodes on many DVDs, so you might have to watch the anti-piracy advert dozens upon dozens of times.
The worst thing is, having sat through the anti-piracy advert that can't be skipped, you realise you've stuck wrong disc in and have to immediately sit through the whole thing again. By this time you may be screaming, silently, for two or three minutes while punching yourself in the genitals.
Every time I see it my resentment grows, my ire pricks, my sense of injustice heightens. If I am to be treated as a criminal then why shouldn't I behave as a criminal? And, if I were to buy a pirated DVD or download the TV serials I watch from the internet for nothing, I'd avoid the ads altogether. And why target an ad at people who are obviously law-abiding in the first place?
It's the brain-dead equivalent of Just Say No; the finger-wagging pointlessness of shouting at a cat for scratching the carpet; the acknowledged redundancy of simply locking up criminals, even though everyone knows it doesn't just not prevent reoffending, it actually criminalises them even more.
Imagine if, every time you got in your car, your car, a mithering road safety charity woman shouted at you for speeding even though you never speed. That's what it's like.
Imagine if, every time you played a CD you'd bought, you had to listen to Paul Gambaccini drawling on about copyright theft before NWA or King Creosote or Lady Gaga started blasting out - even though you never illegally download music. That's what it's like.
Imagine if, every time you turned on the a television, you had to listen to Mark Kermode deliver a lecture on the evils of child pornography - even though you have no interest in child pornography. That's what it's like.
You'd be absolutely fucking furious. And quite rightly so. And every time I watch one of my DVDs and have to put up with this fucking stupid advert it enrages me and drives me further to the point where I will download every single album, film or TV serial I ever want to see for the rest of my life because of the rank idiocy, crassness and ineptitude of the idiots who decided that everyone – especially people who are manifestly not criminals – is a potential criminal and should be insulted and threatened and annoyed out of their minds every time they want to watch the Adventures of Sherlock Fucking Holmes.
It's the sort of philosophy that does away with ethics, simply assumes everyone is bent and whacks everyone over the head with a lead-lined copy of The Republic. Only more stupid.
This is the worst advert ever. You cannot avoid it. You cannot escape it. To enjoy something that you own or love you must watch the shittest advert of all. It's like having to eat a mouthful of glass every time you sit down to have a meal. It's like having to kiss George Osborne for 30 seconds every time you want to have sex with your girlfriend. It's like dousing yourself in tar and feathers just before getting into your nice new clean-sheated bed.
That's exactly what it's like, only it's much worse.
Another month, another spreadsheet of fear, ignorance and hatred in another instalment of which AdTurds keywords have amused me this time around.
What can we glean from this month's queries? Well, that people think Shane Richie is sporting a wig, or a hair transplant. That Paul Whitehouse is really dead - eh? - and that people think the actors who play the couple in the BT adverts are a couple in real life.
And who's getting it in the neck? Well, banks and price comparison websites, predictably. But the 'Here Come the Girls' meme seems to be really upsetting people: 54 people searched for the term '"here come the girls" fuck off'.
Elsewhere, people seem to share my opinions on the Cadbury's Creme Egg adverts; people seem to think Butlins is racist, Halifax seems to have a thriving MILF economy; the chaps from the Jacamo adverts are described in less than complimentary terms; and Cheryl Baker 'would get cock'.
All told, just another tiny window into the lives of these strange, angry, horny people. But you know the worst thing about these weirdos, these losers, these freaks...?
"They're us, that's all, when there's no more room in hell..."
April 2011 AdTurds keywords
"here come the girls" fuck off - 54 queries
paul whitehouse dead
why do halifax keep making those shit adverts
cadbury goo sex
rant about confused.com advert
that fucking halifax isa isa advert
bill steele tyne tees
butlins ethnic minorities
jacamo fat bastards
masturbating onto a digestive biscuit
what's happened to ian wright tv career
why armpits make women look hot
"cillit bang" "clit bang"
"fucking" "wearing" "slippers"
118 118 adverts well annoying
advert bemused chopped in corner shop
advert for tit cream
am i the only one fucking sick of adverts??
anyone remember the piano music from cadburys advert 80s
are butlins racist
are the people off the bt advert actually married?
barclays advert justin lee collins squirrel
bouncing breasts on confused.com advert
cadbury creme egg looks like cum dripping down face after eating a girl out
cheryl baker would get cock
chris kamara idiot
cock comparison website
confused.com advert... she pulls a laptop out of her vag??
confused.com horrible brand
davina mccall vagina hair
diana ross fucking
does everest institute intentionally choose annoying people for their ads?
fuck lloyds ts
fuck off bt
fuck off nat west
fuck you tsb
gillette fusion challenge advert guy is an idiot
gooing all over your mouth
granny fucking in halifax uk
halifax advert i want it to die
i want to run a website that is similar to confused.com
is paul whitehouse dead?
is peter kay nice?
is ray parker jr. homosexual?
is that lionel richie in the walkers adverts?
jacamo for fat bastards
jj burnel talks about having sex with steve strange - funnily enough I read an interview where this discussion takes place recently
lionel richie walkers advert is he real?
mature fucking in halifax uk
music dating site queen advert
nat west helpful banking fuck off
paul merton smug
proud sponsor of mums arrogance
shane richie hair transplant
shane ritchie wig
the inside of a creme egg is like the devils sperm
the new kimberley advert is one of the three girls a man?
the racist walkers advert
three babes pissing on citroen
bum and bum together.com