Lynx premature perspiration advert
SPRAYING SMELLY GAS ON YOURSELF WILL STOP YOU JIZZING IN YOUR ARMPITS.
Creepiest corporate mascots?
Slate has a feature on this, naming the original Ronald MacDonald (paedophil-beverage-holder-chic); Big Boy (ventriloquist-dummy-psychopathy); Chuck-E-Cheese (crack-bear-living-under-baseball-stadium) and Wienerschnitzel’s The Delicious One (cock-in-a-bap) as some of the worst.
There are some I don't think are creepy at all, including the Michelin Man (Bibendum) - a comforting, jolly type to my mind, especially after Michelin paid for me to spend a day destroying their wares while attached to Porsche 911s at Silverstone.
I can think of far more creepy ad characters to be honest. What about this terrifyingly vacant twat who spends all night watching you sleep and then shows you his meat?
How about these Olympic mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville, or Giant Walking Cock One and Giant Walking Cock Two, as I call them.
Or Barry Scott - a man determined to shout in your face about a chemical scourer. A disturbed man with case notes as thick as your wrist rocking on the back of a bus.
Even Cara Confused - a wobbly-eyed fruitloop with a haunted fanny and, almost certainly, a house that stinks of cat piss.
Some ads have courted frightening characters recently, inlcuding Bird's Eye, with a Mafiosa-like polar bear lurking in fridges and chastising - perhaps even threatening - people for buying cheap frozen goods.
And there's always the suicidal Pepperami things that derive some visceral pleasure from being violently pulled apart.
I like the Pepperami one particularly - it's funny and it fits the brand, but I'm generally unsure about ads that suggest some sort of implicit - or explicit - threat. The Bird's Eye ad, particularly, is quite amusing but if you're basically implying that your customers will receive a horse's head to the bed and a bullet to the face for not buying branded chicken dippers that seems rather problematic.
For my money you can't beat Ronald MacDonald, in any of his guises. Clowns are fundamentally frightening, align that with all of MacDonalds' dubious pester-power marketing; numerous environmental issues and their fucking horrible food and you have a right bastard of a corporate mascot.
Here's one from my youth that used to creep me out, despite the fact that it's a great ad and had the comforting voice of Brian Wilde behind it.
And another that used to drive my infant brother to terrified screams. Still gives me the willies. Wonder what Mr Soft's willy was like.
Big boy image by elycefeliz ; Chuck-E-Cheese image by Mr Cortes
Laughing cow advert
Things that are not frightening when laughing: Babies; some children; some adults
Things that are frightening when laughing: clowns; gnomes; Christopher Walken; dentists; cows; cows making cheese; rapping, soul-singing cows wearing bling and make-up; making cheese with the milk from their own udders, eating it and laughing.
C***fused.com
Suffice it to say I don't enjoy Confused.com's karaoke adverts and would gladly throw Cara Confused in the path of a particularly swift, spiky train but there's something that goes beyond a simple dislike - it's the weirdness of it all. Where are they trying to take these ads and why the odd choices of songs, bizarre pitch and peculiar details?
Chief among these is the fact that Cara apparently pulls things out of her vagina that have no business being there. Cars, laptops, flowers, a mic stand, Russell Harty...
"A-ha!," comes an inevitable response. "You noticed it, so it works!" Personally I think this argument is absolute balls, particularly when it comes to aligning your brand with cavernous vaginas, but if it keeps the guys at Confused.com Towers amused then who am I to argue?
Readers are also confused by this scatalogical, nay gynaecological, development in the adverts - hence the following actual keyword phrases people have been typing into their browsers on their journey towards the site.
Those whose curiosity develops even further may want to direct their browsers at the even-more NSFW Rule 34 website for more pictorial suggestions as to exactly what Cara has lodged up her funnel.
Cara Confused.com's fanny keywords
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Not only that but there's seemingly more of a trend in the more recent ads for enormous bouncing breasts all over the place...
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Confused.com: Sit down, you’re a bloody tragedy
Here's the latest efforts in Confused.com's embarrassing, appalling Cara Confused karaoke adverts, featuring old magic-minge singing YMCA.
From the Confused.com Youtube channel:
I've recorded my own version of the iconic 70's disco anthem YMCA. I've changed the music to sing about how wonderful Confused.com is for finding great car insurance deals.
From the Confused.com Youtube channel:
Check out my new video, this time I'm chilling out at the beach with a few of my girl friends and some hunky guys , however I did uncover one of the guys little secrets - Oh dear!
From James Maxton to Ramsay MacDonald, on the occasion of the latter's fumbling, embarrassing farewell to Parliament:
Sit down, man, you're a bloody tragedy.
My grinding machine can grind anything!
Look at my grinding machine! It can grind anything! Oranges! Shoes! Tampons! Sanitary pads!
Want to know why I'm spending so much time on grinding female sanitary products? Because my grinding machine can grind anything!
I can grind up water bottles or paint tins, even when they're full. You might want to know why I don't empty them first, but you don't understanbd that my grinding machine can grind anything!
Want to know why I'm grinding up a US army blanket soaked in water? Because my grinding machine can grind anything!
Do you have heavy duty grinding needs? Do you need to grind fresh fruit? Have a lot of shoes you don't know how to dispose of? Then look no further! My grinding machine can grind anything!
Cars! Life-size Richard Nixon mannequins! Replica Sherlock Holmes deerstalkers! Opportunity Knocks DVD cases! My grinding machine can grind anything!
See the wonderful metal shavings I can lovingly fondle in my hands! My workmens' soft, pink fingers! A Bontempi organ with dozens of pre-prgrammed hi-energy electionic music! My grinding machine can grind anything!
See how even celery is pulled inexorably into its vaguely obscene gaping, foaming maw!
See how your puny sofa is now a ragged mess of dismembered fabric and splintered wood!
With a dozen such machines I could grind the world! My grinding machine can grind anything!
Cadbury’s in trouble again for ‘racist’ advert
Cadbury's has apologised and withdrawn an advert that compared a chocolate bar to Naomi Campbell, referencing her stroppy, prima-donna-ish behaviour.
La Campbell and some silly pressure groups have been shrilly announcing their displeasure at this advert, which is an insult to blacks everywhere and is basically the same as if everyone who works for Cadbury had dressed up as Klan members and set fire to a burning cross outside her house:
"I am shocked. It's upsetting to be described as chocolate, not just for me, but for all black women and black people. I do not find any humour in this. It is insulting and hurtful."
Now, this was a silly thing to do from Cadbury's, especially as they got into trouble not so long ago for another misjudged advert featuring a 'giant, rotating negroid head', but how exactly is this racist? Chocolate is brown; Naomi Campbell is black so is comparing one to the other in an entirely different context indicative or racism?
Hardly, but in an age where virtually every act committed by anyone in the world has to result in a public apology it's hardly surprising and someone should have foreseen this.
What's disappointing is that a number of people beyond the ghastly Campbell appear to be jumping on a rather ramshackle bandwagon. Three people in the country complained about this, as is their right. They may have felt that the ad was naive and misjudged, but it's all so depressing whenever people cry racism with the slightest prompting.
Does anyone genuinely believe that a massive multinational would okay an ad that compared chocolate to a black woman on the basis of her racial make-up?
Personally I don't, but by the same token I wouldn't have believed that Cadbury's would, twice in rapid succession, release adverts that could be attacked on the grounds of mocking black people.
Anyway, here's a strapline for that ad that might have been racist:
"Like Naomi Campbell, it's brown"