It's Jenson Button's 200th Grand Prix today, so we thought we'd turn our attention to something that's been polluting the airwaves for some time now.
Head and Shoulders can't be the easiest thing to advertise - it's probably on a par with Canesten or pile cream - but that really doesn't excuse this terrible mess of an ad that sees Button engaging in some sort of overview of his life in terms of what's "on his mind".
This begins in single-word rhymes – "racing, spacing" – before ditching that for a switch to an appallingly delivered "wow! It's bracing! that sees Jenson walking on some water, um, somewhere, probably on a hotel roof in Dubai.
It's probably the strangest moment of the entire advert and begs the question whether the script was written in English, so unwieldy and simply awful a line is it. Button does his best, but in truth it just makes him look like a giant tit.
"A cup of tea would be amazing," is the next gambit as JB receives an elbow between the shoulder blades.
So, let's take stock. Four opening lines that don't appear to abide by any sort of form but do, at least rhyme. What comes next then, seems to render the whole enterprise void – because the weak rhyming structure goes out of the window. Lie-ins and rubber are also on Jenson's mind, and having seen his girlfriend I'm not surprised.
But then it's time for the money shot; Button wielding a bottle of Head & Shoulders in a shower, declaring it to be "stuff that works".
Stuff that works is on Jenson Button's mind? Surely the idea of something like Head & Shoulders is that it works and you don't have to think about it; it's a little problem-solver for people too busy to worry about dead skin falling off their scalp.
Anyway, I suppose we should look at what comes next. Beating The Boy From Space at Jenga and being unable to drive an invalid carriage into his house are also on his mind, it seems.
Finally, Jenson seems to believe that a corporate photoshoot constitutes a little perk. This seems unlikely to me, given that F1 drivers live a life comparable to a Greek God, but there you go.
The form and rhyming structure of this advert is utterly shot by the last line. It doesn't even make sense. At one point Head & Shoulders is on Button's mind; by the end it's not.
I'm sure Button won't mind, however. I suspect most people in the world would swap what's on their mind with whatever's on Jenson Button's. Presumably a world of luxury yachts, motor racing, private jets, beautiful women and pots of cash are some consolation for making such an utterly shit advert.
All of these come from some article I came across called 'ten adverts that shocked the world'. I forget where it was, but since it was a hyperbolic 'top ten' article I'd guess it was The Independent.
I don't find many of these very shocking, to be honest. Crass, distasteful, ill-conceived, boring and plain rubbish perhaps, but in a world where one can easily access images and videos of hardcore pornography, torture and murder at the click of a button I can't see how the bulk of these could raise more than an eyebrow.
Certainly, placing these amid the pages of a 'family' newspaper - as sex and death rags like the News of the World used to call themselves - they may be more problematic, but in these days of multimedia exposure it's hard to imagine even Mary Whitehouse getting too worked up over a picture of a kind-of naked bottom.
Here's my take.
The smoking one
Cigarette-smoking as sex slavery. As bizarre as it's unpleasant as it's unfathomable.
The paedophile one
Hideous. So much so that the point of the ad is lost in the viewer's desire to turn away. Although it's frighteningly similar to the front covers of lots of ents mags.
The dog sex one
The results of giving some bonkers, pretentious enfants terribles wannabes access to the cash in your marketing account. This sort of thing should exist solely behind paywalls online. And in my BitTorrent folder.
The sexy one
Stick a load of idiots together in a studio and sooner or later they'll come up with something like this.
The Toyota Prius one
I really like this. Sadly it's not even real. Toyota is far too boring to do anything like this. Can you think of a good Toyota advert? No, you can't.
The old one
Pfft. Since it's possible to see Angelina Jolie and Paris Hilton in various states of undress - and actually watch one of them sucking a cock and being fucked - it's not exactly shocking to see them subjected to some bad Photoshop. Maybe if they were given the make-under - and then video-d sucking cock and being fucked.
The blood one
Eh? What's remotely shocking about this? Good ad though.
The Benetton one
Now this. This is genuinely shocking. A dying man; an anguished family. Powerful, affecting stuff. Aesthetically this is a wonderful photo on top of everything else. Pity it's rather undermined by a multinational trying to sell baseball caps off the back of it.
The arse one
An arse. What's shocking about an arse? Unless it's Piers Morgan who, as we all know, is more of a twat anyway.
The carrier one
Pfft. I was more shocked by the Bernie Ecclestone corruption allegations.
So, there we have it. More of a lesson is link-bait and search-engine optimisation techniques by the Independent than anything.
You know what would constitute a really shocking print advert? Boris Johnson buggering a heron.
Let's get this straight. If a man who only exists in a regional radio station drivetime slot – probably nursing an unnecessarily chirpy disposition, raging speed habit and unhealthy interest in young, female interns – bursts into a changing room with a whoop, calls me buddy and starts paying a dubious interest in my semi-naked torso it's probably going to be the worst for him.
Not that anyone ever stands, stripped to the waist, in any public changing rooms having a shave; but if that were to happen the chances are that if an annoying little twerp surprises someone in a vulnerable position and gets a bit close, the person on the receiving end of his attention is probably anticipating at best a mugging and worst a burglary of an entirely different kind. This advert is actually called Invasion, so who knows where it could end up.
Gillette says that these are all real people, yet there are British, French, German, American and Irish ads that often appear to take place in the same venue. This raises a number of interesting questions, namely just how ordinary are these ordinary men off the street?
If they are indeed average Joes then how exactly does Gillette manage to attract men to the same venue to stand around in the nip having wet shaves in deserted changing rooms? Troubling questions.
And just why does every ad start with an idiotic whoop? Since when has it been a good idea to interrupt someone with a loud whoop and door slam while they're drawing a sharp blade across their throat?
"Whooooooo! Hello bud-... Oh my God. He's bleeding! BLEEDING! Get help! Whoooooo! It's the Fusion Proglide Challenge! Tug and pull... tug and pull... Whoooooo!"
Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.
I used to think this about advertisers - now I think it about my readers. Because if keyword queries are anything to go by I am indeed Travis Bickle, gazing out into the world at large and disgusted by what he sees. Sex. Shit. Sex and shit. Sex and shit adverts. Cheryl Baker's breasts.
Have I created a monster? Well, perhaps, but at least blogging gives them a lightning rod with which to work out their frustrations.
This month's keywords were saved, for me, by some amusing ones, mostly beginning with 'why?'. Why is Paul Merton so smug? Why is Gary Rhodes so weird? Why is Peter Kay rubbish? And - most importantly - why does the laughing cow drink her own milk? Valuable questions we need answers to.
My favourite one was the one in the title. Was it supposed to be 'died' instead of 'cried'? Has the man who invented the Wispa died? Or cried? Would either instance have been reported anywhere? It seems unlikely, but my interest's piqued.
Is there a man who works for Cadbury's whose job it is to devise new chocolate bars? Is the Wispa just a rip-off of the Aero? What would make such a chocolate inventor weep?
We're at the very limits of what even search engines can tell us here. As with the amount of queries that seem to start with a desperate 'why?'. We can never know, nor understand why. But, for the record, Shaun Williamson has had a hair transplant; Cheryl Baker hasn't been depressed;and Shane Richie denies that he's wearing a wig.
June AdTurds keywords
jacamo is for fat bastards - 26 instances
natwest helpful banking fuck off - 11 instances
giant rotating negroid head - 6 instances
confused microphone minge
women stalking the camera en masse — post-feminist zombies lusting after a scarf - this is one of mine
"i like old movies" advert shit
"you wouldn't steal a" "fuck you, i would if i could"
advert with bad neck
advert with balloons all over the place
adverts for cancer
adverts on itv about cars and cats
andrew castle shit
anyone else hate the confused adverts
are the two women on the halifax advert lesbians and fancy each other? - certainly, to my mind
arsehole from hair advert
asda advert long haired guy talking about quiche
asian girl halifax advert yeah
bad features of the cadbury eyebrow
barry eastenders hair sean williamson transplant
bouncing pendulous boobs
bouncing tits cunts
boycott gocompare and confused.com cos of their adverts
can you buy creme eggs in december in england?
can you say shit in ads
carey mulligan pussy
cheryl baker boobs
cheryl baker getting fucked
cheryl baker milf
cheryl baker tits
confused.com ymca what the fuck cunts
cream egg pussy filler
davina mccall squeezing ass
dildo on the woman and then facking a women driver car insurance
do you see breasts in barclaycard rollercoaster advert - I feel sure it was someone's responsibility to airbrush out any offending nipples in this ad
fucked under the table secretly wife is there
garnier ultralift advert behind the scenes
go compare adverts compare these two fingers fatty
god only knows ruined by volkswagen
god only knows ruined by vw vans advert
has cheryl baker been depressed?
has shane ritchie got a wig?
has the voice of the panda of fox biscuit adverts changed
here comes the girls adverts horrible patronising
how is gender constructed in the cadbury milk tray advertisement
hsbc advert what the fuck is he cooking
i've been fucked by bray leino
ian wright carpetright advert - why would anyone want to see such a thing?
is brian big brother and cadbury monkey ad racist
is it true that the guy in the barlays was seen on a railway station and picked for the advert?
is that paul whitehouse real face
jacamo is for obese people
jack davenport big penis
jenny craig causing weird poop
lesbian halifax advert
ocean finance tv why does it exist
peter jones appears in advertisements suck dick
pillsbury dougboy jizzes all over
safe use smoked sausage dildo
sean pertwee i want you
sex and the erosion of shit
sex keywords used on twitter
the biggest pile of a girl 1 kg turds
the man who invented cadburys wispas has cried
twat in a ford ka
up your bingo fat bitches
website compares tits people vote on them - an opening for Confused.com?
what do you think of the jammy doger? i think it's a very arrogant biscuit - I'd love to hear the reasoning on this
whose is that bouncing tits in all the adverts
why is gary rhodes so weird?
why is paul merton such a smug knob?
why is peter kay so shit these days?
why would the laughing cow eat her own milk?
wow, pretty girl is shitting? surely pretty turd
yahoo caramel girls fucked roughly
halifax ad punch myself in the face
i hate that fucking creepy birdseye bear
Annoying - 121 - Spotify a runaway here; Barclays, Direct Line Line and 118 118 running up
Shit - 154 - All the usual suspects
Fuck - 71 - Natwest and Halifax
Hate - 40 - Louise Rednknapp, Betty Crocker, Confiused.com, GoCompare, Halifax, Barclays getting it here
Cunt - 25 - Jacamo ran away with this one