Colman’s gravy advert: dead, dancing cow juice
"This is the state of the beast... to eat and be eaten."
I've always been squeamish about food. When I was little my Mam used to cut up meat and give voice to the morsels of meat. "Don't eat me!" the meat would say as it was aeroplaned towards my mouth. As I result I didn't want to eat the meat. Who was I to inflict terror on hapless forkfulls of chicken?
In the same way I'm very uncertain about the direct link some adverts seem to make between a living animal and the very dead animal on a plate. I'm a meat-eater, but the various ethical ramifications of mechanised farming trouble me. The last thing I want on my mind as I eat a steak is the mental image of the cow whose life was brought to an end by a Tesco-franchised slaughterhouse.
In the past we had pork advertised by a pig actually slicing its own guts up with a jolly look on its face. Nowadays we have, what? The Laughing Cow. No wonder the cow's laughing. It only gets milked for its delicious dairy product (although it also seems to eat them, which is a disturbing idea). Any other associations between meat and animals are strictly in the 'roaming around the countryside' variety that sets our minds at ease.
"Oh, look, they're in a field. I feel better about buying that cheap water-injected supermarket chicken now. Yum yum!" We think not of the middle bit - the unpleasant bit - between farm and plate. Thus is our guilt assuaged.
Why, then, make that dead animal link explicit again? To turn a cow into gravy requires a process not beneficial to the cow - and not really a process that bears thinking about to be honest.
Gravy is cow juice. It is the bits of a cow that you don't or can't eat ground up and boiled with water. Sure it's tasty, but I don't really want to dwell on exactly where instant gravy comes from.
Think of a sausages, known colloquially for donkey's years as 'lips and arseholes', because they were the bits that went into making them. There's a very good reason Walls declines to refer to them as 'Pork Lips and Arseholes'.
Why Turkey Twizzlers aren't referred to as 'Turkey Tongues and Twats'. Or why burgers aren't called 'Fuck Me You Wouldn't Believe The Shit That Goes Into These'.
All of which makes Colman's new gravy advert pretty frickin' odd indeed. If you haven't seen it, it consists of an animated gravy cow jumping out of a gravy boat and dancing around to that awful "I like the way you move" song. I expect it's shortened to "I like the way you moo" here.
It all reminds me a little bit of a Clive Barker short story where a turkey comes to life and starts attacking the inhabitants of a house on Christmas Day. It's like Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo, only it's made of gravy.
When I am eating a meal I don't want to imagine the various death screams of those animals that went to their deaths so that I could eat a £15.99 mixed grill in a Harvester. I don't want to think of them screaming "don't eat me!" as I chow down on a pork chop. And I don't want a dead cow sliding around my dinner table in a hideous parody of the life it relinquished before going down with a metal bolt in its brain, just so that I could cover my yorkshire puds in dead cow juice.
If may if I were psychotic - or so blithely ignorant of the dubious associations of modern farming that I didn't care. But I'm not, I'm one of the legions of people who would rather not be reminded of the cold-light-of-day realities of such things.
As it is, this seems rather like having an animated pile advertising Anusol; a walking, bloody tampon shilling Always. Or, even better, a walking, talking, dancing, singing corpse marketing the Co-op's funeral services. Now that I would pay to see.
Adverts I like: Lurpak Kitchen Odyssey
Beautifully shot, good copy, wry and amusing, lovely concept. What's not to love?
Post-work. 'Tis the hungry man's witching hour, and a dinner-in-a-box is calling. Think: what would the French do?
Bon appetit, fridge foragers.
Advertising lesson 1: Sex sells
Orgasm as metaphor - or more literal suggestion - is not uncommon these days; Herbal Essences spring to mind but I bet there are a few more.
For ages ads have skirted around the idea that buying certain products makes people more virile, sexy, successful, clever and healthy. Suggesting that something actually brings people to a sexual climax is hardly a radical development.
For added novelty value to this ad, why not stop it at about 15 seconds and guess what it's shilling. Further, why not pretend this spot is advertising:
Toilet roll;
Anusol;
ICI;
Nik Naks;
Mattesons smoked sausages;
Price-comparison websites;
Safestyle UK?
Crimes against music: Volkswagen Think Blue advert
Not content with associating God Only Knows with a crap van, we now get this bastardised version of Wouldn't It Be Nice promoting VW's Think Blue programme. It begs one question, and one only:
What did the Beach Boys ever do to Volkswagen?
New Muller advert – RELEVANCE TO YOGHURT?!
Faced with this utter orgasm of cash, naff and drivel even an 18-month old would snort a derisive "Fück off!" and turn off the television.
Here's a random sample - the four most recent responses - on the Youtube page for this ad. My favourite is 'RELEVANCE TO YOGHURT?!'.
Knight Rider, Transformers, Yogi Bear, Mr. Men, Muttley, some other guys, and I'm pretty sure I saw Master Hand and Crazy Hand form Brawl make a rainbow together... RELEVANCE TO YOGHURT!?
That made absolutely no sense, and seems a really clumsy attempt at a product tie-in. What the heck does KITT have to do with a bunch of cartoon characters, and what do any of them have to do with yoghurt?
I can't really say why I hate this, but I do D:
I'm not really feeling like I'm being sold yoghurt watching this first ever knight rider/ Yogi bear/ transformers knock-off/ mr men crossover...
Talk about throwing enough stuff at a wall. Come to think of it, throwing yoghurt at a wall for 60 seconds may have made more sense.
British Airway ad: The biggest wank ever wanked
Surely this isn't serious? Surely someone is having a laugh?
Whoever wrote this must have a cocaine habit so large that a small South American state is employed simply to keep the creative in question awake.
Building super highways in an unknown sky.
Either that or it was written by an idiot savant. Someone gifted life without the curse of self-awareness. Or taste, irony or judgement for that matter.
Right away we can tell that we're in trouble here. That rolling piano; the glossy film quality; the breathy narration that Jack Davenport and Sean Pertwee have built careers on. This is going to be Epic.
Roaring into the clouds to battle wind and stars.
Any writer can spew out out stuff like this in their sleep. Look:
carving through the azure-blue skies - a monument to human endeavour...
to push our limits; to strive to exceed our earthly limitations... is what makes us the people we are
four words; a simple creed that encapsulates what we do... and why we do it...
See? It's a piece of piss. But pulling off this overly earnest style is a tight-rope. Go too far and you veer into self-parody - it sounds like you're taking the piss. Don't go far enough and there simply isn't the impact.
Their safety systems built of brain and heart.
It's writ large in every party political broadcast; every 'A Beautiful Mind' Hollywood schmaltzbuster - and every Epic advert. This, perhaps, is the most Epic advert there will ever be.
Jumbo jets full of cash has been spunked on this. To extend this metaphor to breaking point, ever British Airways employee has been wanking in a bucket for years to accumulate this amount of jizz.
This is BA's attempt to wrench back some of the market from the pretenders; to stake a claim for all of that glamour and romance that once went with air travel. One giant 'fuck you' to Virgin with its new money and fancypants cabin crew.
Who skimmed the edge of space; skimmed the edge of heaven; of dreams
It's utterly shameless. It's turned up to 11. It's enough to make one not just throw up a little in one's mouth, it's enough to make the vomit backwash up one's nose and come flying out of one's nostrils.
Everyone who worked on this ad must surely have vomited all the way through it. Assuming they weren't having a wank at the time.
Genuinely I take my hat off to whoever wrote this. Whoever wrote the line about 'touching space, the heavens, touching dreams' did well not to immediately drop dead on the spot due to the sheer inexorable weight of the that line. It is both awesome and awful - in the true senses of the words.
The same four words stitched into every uniform, of every disciple who follows their call.
Someone who could write that line and not immediately turn into a pillar of salt, stick a revolver in their mouth and pull the trigger or simply go violently and impressively insane with the horror of it all deserves a pat on the back.
This is it. This is Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. It is off every chart that has ever been or ever will be.
This is, perhaps, the biggest wank ever wanked.
NB. Have a read of this full script below. I can't take any responsibility for you vomiting, going mad, wanking or dying.
Those first young people. The pioneers.
The apostles.
Building super highways in an unknown sky.
Leaving partners and children in their snug homes with a kiss and a promise to return.
Roaring into the clouds to battle wind and stars.
Their safety systems built of brain
and heart.
They landed where there were no lights.
Transforming strange names from tall tales into pictures on postcards home.
And those next people who travelled further, faster, higher than any in history
And the ones after them travelling further than anyone in history
Who skimmed the edge of space
Skimmed the edge of heaven
Of dreams
And we follow them up there.
To live by an unbreakable promise
The same four words stitched into every uniform, of every disciple who follows their call.
To follow. To serve.
Vile Wonga.com adverts
Let's be clear on this - this is a profoundly disturbing advert. There's nothing nice about seeing a load of hyperannuated, vulcanised geriatrics wobbling and warbling around the screen, especially when one of them starts twitching and bucking like's he's climaxing.
The two old dears remind me of Harry Enfield's randy old ladies; Earl wears the perpetual mask of a monkey mid-orgasm, a moment away from revealing a wrinkled old bratwurst from his dirty corduroys, nestling amongst a greying web.
We now get 'Wonga moments'- you know? Those moments where you want something but haven't got any money. In the boring old past you would have had to wait, but now you simply get a payday advance. Mortgaging your salary - what's wrong with that?
I can think of no cataclysmic global events in the past three years that should give us pause for that when considering blithely pissing cash you don't have up the wall.
Is this a bad advert? Who knows - I think it's horrifying, but it's better than the last one, which earned Wonga.com some rapped knuckles for trivialising short-term loans with ginormous interest rates.
Not that a puppet pensioner wigging out to a some techno gramophone is trivial in the least, of course.
September 2011 keywords: Can Paul Whitehouse tapdance?
For the record I doubt very much that Paul Whitehouse learned to tapdance for the sake of a five-second spot in a baffling insurance advert - but who knows eh?
If Aviva's intention with its series of unloved Paul Whitehouse adverts has been to encourage lots of bemused viewers trying to ascertain the twinkle-toed abilities of everyone's favourite cockney comic then it's certainly succeeded.
14 people typed the exact phrase 'can Paul Whitehouse tapdance' into their search engines and navigated to AdTurds last month - and there were plenty more besides. Perhaps a more valuable question may have been 'what does Avivia do again?' because, for the life of me, I can't work it out from their ads.
What else caught my eye among the AdTurds Google Analytics keyword data this month? Well, 'complain about gocompare advert psychological damage' had a certain ring to it. Could we ever see an advertiser sued for just being incredibly bleeding annoying? I'd like to think so - the streets of Soho would be lined with flattened creatives by lunchtime.
BMW's apparently-pulled Lund brothers advert has taken a hell of a lot of stick - I hope the Lunds thought their 12-month loans were worth it.
Elsewhere, someone appears to be of the opinion that the new Haribo advert - sample lyric: "Oh so smooth; love them soft; squidgy, squidy baby!" - is plagiarising John Lennon. This might, on the face of it, seem unlikely - at least to anyone who hasn't heard Double Fantasy.
The Toyota 'gadget master' ad seems to be universally disliked. Despite the fact that I think it's fairly odd - and very niche - I don't mind it, and at least Toyota is trying to lower its target demographic from somewhere around the late-50s at last.
Elsewhere it's the usual roll call of bewilderment, irritation and lust. Who'd have thought Cheryl Baker would have so many admiring fans? Has an advert every inspired such a gamut of negative emotions as the current Haribo effort? Why do so many people have it in for Louise Redknapp?
Tune in next month....
September 2011 keywords
jenson button head and shoulders awful - 23 instances
can paul whitehouse tap dance - 14 instances
gillette fusion proglide challenge guy is a twat - 13 instances
apple adverts patronising
bulmers advert plan b fuck off
compare the meerkat haters
latest haribo advert plagiarism john lennon - no idea on this one
lund brothers bmw twats
paddy power ginger twat
what the fuck is up with the haribo ad? - a heck of a good question
when are they going to get rid of that fat get on the go compare advert
"the jellied eel gazette"
advert where woman leaves her poop on the table
adverts for ants - do any exist?
adverts of haribo are retarted - the irony of this one amused me
anyone noticed confused.com advert is quite sexual? - safe to say they have
big fat pussy cat do in a cadbury egg commercial
bmw advert brothers cunts
bmw what is a latte without milk - a very good question - the Lund brothers don't seem to know
cambodia febreze
cannon and ball are fucking shit
complain about gocompare advert psychological damage
dishwashing ad where lady is looking at wine glass - there are some queries that stump even Google
doubleglazing cunts
gadget master- new toyota advert fucking sucks
gillette advert whooping volume - much too loud, though I'm unable to give a figure in decibels
ginger anger go compare ad
halifax adverts make me want to switch away from halifax - in a nutshell perhaps the whole point of this website
haribo advert very uncomfortable
has anybody got a meerkat from moneysupermarket?
have the breasts in the confused.com advert got larger? - we need to know
i don't get the jenson button head and shoulders advert
i fucking hate the new toyota yaris advert
i fucking hate the new yaris toyota advert
i fucking hate the rap toyota yaris advert
is the uk maltesers advert offensive to gay people
is voyage prive french for stuck up cunt? - I have seen this advert and can only conclude it is, given its contents
jamie oliver advertising basic sausages
lorraine kelly interviews ad star howard brown - now that I know of the existence of this video I MUST see it
my brother freddie is an actor and a model fuck off
paul whitehouse dancing cunt - no manners but what a critic
shouty fucker on t mobile advert
toby carvery stomach cramps
tv adverts with jamie and louise redknapp. as thomas cook promotes family holidays, why does the ad give the impression that they are a couple without children? - why indeed?
who's the lovely girl in the toolstation ad?
why do haribo adverts have germans speaking english
wonga advert is evil - wonga is evil
Diesel’s 10-year anniversary not-porn SFW XXX viral
This is a stone cold internet meme that will hardly be new to seasoned media nodes, but it bears repeating for just how superbly conceived and executed it is.
Not many things make me laugh out loud, but the mouth organ, accordion, corn-on-the-cob and Skittles bits here do.
I expect at some point this vid would have hit a brick wall at some point in most companies - even in the more edgy ones there's probably someone high up baulking at a video like this that, let's face it, references and virtually shows a lot of hard-core shenanigans. It takes a brave outfit to slap your name all over it.
So, well done to Diesel. No doubt that twonk Alex Zane will make making a shit joke about on Channel 4 very soon.
NB. While Diesel branded this 'safe for work' it is by no stretch of the imagination safe for the majority of workplace PCs.