UPDATE: Andrex deleted all the videos from the 'Clean Campaign' that I'd embedded in this article. Wonder why that is? Anyway, as we all know, if you post something on the internet you post it FOREVER
"Excuse me, do you dry wipe? What I mean by that is, can you tell me in public the exact details of how you wipe your arse? Why are you running away?"
What the fuck was Dawn Porter thinking when she accepted this complete No Win Scenario of a job? I mean, the £10,000 probably went some way towards helping but, really, there should be no figure in the world that should convince people to demean themselves in this way.
To watch Porter – a fairly ridiculous TV presenter who once made a programme called Dawn Gets Naked and then... didn't get naked – talking about how she wipes her exit holes is one thing. But to see her trying to ask disinterested members of the public about their toilets rituals – and encounter a mix of disgust, disinterest and downright hostility is just absurd.
Porter, no stranger to idiotic public appearances, looks embarrassed to even be there. Pretty much the best she gets out of people is that it's "not weird" to wipe your backside with a moist toilet tissue. Some dismiss the notion with something approaching revulsion.
Oh God, now she's found some frightened-looking teens on a sofa. "Hold up your Caplets – we're going to put them on Facebook," she says, in what must be the most chilling words these girls have ever heard.
Ah, Facebook. The box that must be ticked in any dim-witted media campaign. Andrex's Clean Campaign, which mainly consists of bribing people to join in with loads of low-value prizes, has 30K fans. No doubt someone in a boardroom will be waving a piece of paper that suggests that every one of them is worth £480,000 per annum. That would be total bollocks, of course, even if it weren't for the fact that having essentially 'bought' the vast majority of those fans they're essentially worthless – and they cost a bomb in the first place. What's the ROI on that? Weak, whatever it is.
Something else that winds me up is that every single instance where Andrex is mentioned has a little ® sign, to indicate that it's a registered trademark. What a sad joke. This is Facebook - who gives a fuck?
Anyway, back to Dawn. She promises that anyone logging onto Facebook will see all of her 'photos and videos'. That begs an intriguing question. We'll have to assume, for now, that the pictures and videos in question do not involve Dawn defecating and then rubbing some semi-wet conglomeration of papery fibres on her puckered anus or wet vagina.
She ends this first video inviting a load of frightened-looking women to meet her in the toilets, where she no doubt grills them as to their toilet habits. And then, just when you think it couldn't get any worse, Porter says this:
"I've got a really clean bum right now."
This must – surely – be some sort of invitation to anal sex. I literally cannot think of any other occasion where you would bother to mention this.
There's more – Dawn Porter Goes To A Hen Do. Dawn goes to the hen do of a woman she's never met and starts talking about arse-wiping. If this happened in real life you would phone the police. She then goes and talks to some mechanics. They look deeply unimpressed. Why is no-one pulling the plug on it? Why does Porter have to keep saying to these things to people who have absolutely zero desire to talk about shitting on camera? Here's some ridiculous blurb from the makers of the campaign:
Dawn has a genuine warmth and empathy which makes people believe what she is saying
Where else is there for this campaign to go? Why, the toilet itself of course! Who wouldn't want to go to the toilet and then emerge to give a detailed report on camera? "I found them a bit moist at first," Dawn confides in a clearly-alarmed member of the public. "But you get over that after a few days." Dear Christ.
At the end of it all Dawn invites everyone who she's harassed over the previous few weeks to an arse-wipe party. What. The. Fuck? It's so painful, so futile and so ill-conceived the only response can be a deep, deep pity for everyone concerned.
Porter, of course, has made a career out of these stupid conceits. There was the naked one of course. Then there was one called Dawn Goes Lesbian, or something, where Dawn didn't become a lesbian and – surely – alienated everyone on the planet who's gay.
She's also to be found on the web shilling potatoes for the Potato Council in another ridiculous challenge. Perhaps that's why she needs all those Washlets. An all-potato diet must be hell on the bowels.