Piers Morgan Realises He Is A Twat

I wrote this for a now-defunct satire site years ago, but scanning Twitter earlier on today it struck me how apt it would be for Kelvin Mackenzie, if I replaced the word ‘twat’ with ‘cunt’.

Former tabloid journalist and TV personality Piers Morgan is reportedly in turmoil after realising he is a twat.

The despised celebrity is understood to have suffered a moment of clarity while watching tapes of his old interviews.

Morgan is believed to have then spent hours poring over his cuttings file as the terrible reality dawned on him.

Morgan heads for a meeting with medical professionals, hours after realising what an emormous twat he is.
Morgan heads for a meeting with medical professionals, hours after realising what an emormous twat he is.

“Piers suddenly went white while watching a clip of himself on TV,” said a person who knows Morgan, but was not willing to be described as a friend.

“He just started mumbling ‘Oh my God, I’m a twat’ again and again while staring at the TV. When he read some of things he’s written in the past, he vomited several times, wept, and vomited again.”

“We all know he’s a complete twat, but to see the slow realisation dawning on Piers that he was a raging twat was terrible to watch. Even though he’s a twat.”

Psychologists claim that four out of five twats are unaware of their conditions, and even after a so-called ‘Twattish Breakdown’ many continue to live their lives in some kind of normalcy.

“We’re all aware of twats in our everyday lives, and particularly in showbusiness.” says Dr Raj Abel.

“But most of these twats aren’t even self-aware. They’re under the belief that they’re perfectly reasonable, normal human beings.”Often they have a high opinion of themselves, which can be what leads them to be such twats.”

“They’re so twatty, they’re exactly the sort of article to approvingly retweet an article about what a twat they are.”

“But when a twat finally has that moment of clarity, it can be a terrible thing,” added Dr Abel, who has led research into the field of twats.

Jamie Oliver is believed to be one of the first twats to come to terms with his condition, and has devoted his later career to reversing the public’s perception of him, despite several notable relapses.

toby young twat

But most twats never come to terms with their afflictions, living out their lives despised by the vast majority of their fellow men.

“Most twats find employment on chat shows or as newspaper columnists in right-wing filth rags like the Daily Express, Mail and Sun,” said Abel.

Kelvin Mackenzie, Richard Littlejohn, Ian Wright, Matt Dawson, Matthew Fort, Greg Wallace, Jay Rayner, Giles Coren, Boris Johnson, Jeremy Clarkson, Keith Allen, Alex James and Toby Young are among other celebrity twats expected to start question their twathood in the aftermath of Morgan’s moment of twat clarity.

“Generally it’s only other twats who can stand be be around twats,” says Dr Abel, who spent several months counselling Chris Evans in 2002, when the carrot-topped entertainer had a devastating twat-awareness breakdown.

“So those who have met or worked with Piers will be most at risk. We’re in real danger now of a kind of twatty tsunami rippling out across the UK showbiz industry, with the biggest twat in the world at its epicentre.

“That’s practically 100 on the Twat Scale,” added a clearly-concerned Abel.

Morgan is said to be under 24-hour supervision as he comes to terms with how epically twattish he is.