I asked people how dirty they felt after watching the Andrex Clean Routine adverts.
Here's what they said:
• As dirty as Katie Hopkins secretly feels every time she utters some hateful words she only says for money.
• As dirty as Mark Oaten's briefcase.
• As dirty as Amanda Holden.
• As dirty as the money in Sepp Blatter's bank account.
• As dirty as John Travolta's [redacted].
• As dirty as every penny Kelvin MacKenzie has ever banked.
• As dirty as everyone involved with Andrex's advert feels.
In all seriousness - as far as one can be serious about this sort of gash, anyway - just how funny is the concept of wiping your arse? It's certainly not as funny as the people in these adverts make up.
And the gibberish responses uttered by these children - at the off-screen urging of the adults who probably wrote these lines - are not funny either.
Children are occasionally funny. But they are often not funny at all. Certainly not when forced to be cute for the jaded, listless amusement of adults in advert and television programmes.
I find something vaguely awful about press-ganging children into entertaining adults in this way: in music, in television and especially comedy.
It doesn't hurt that I am utterly immune to the mediated cuteness these media forms always take. To hear a child laughing might be a wondrous thing; for an advertiser to harness it in an effort to make us buy something is to sully its wondrousness, its innocence.
The affectedness of the Andrex Clean Routine adverts make me cringe, frankly, as it should any sane adult as far as I'm concerned.
Having tried to make us vote for what we do with our soiled toilet roll in the scrunch or fold campaign, asked us how wiping our arses makes us feel and forced minor celebrities (Dawn Porter and Arielle Free) to humiliate themselves for cash in an attempt to make us block up sewers, it seems we're now stuck with watching children come up with euphemisms for cleaning their rectums. The world's gone fucking mad.
How do the Andrex Clean Routine adverts make you feel?
Let me know how you feel about these adverts - and send a message to Andrex - below.