Hey. Are you one of those sad bastards who climbs into bed, reads for a bit, has an occasional tommy-tank and then drifts off to sleep? If so I have some bad news. If you don’t win at sleeping YOUR A TOTAL LOOSER.
Did you notice the two spelling mistakes? That’s because anyone who cares about spelling or apostrophes is not WINNING AT WRITING. Full caps are also evidence of WINNING AT TYPING. Everyone knows the most important people type in full caps, drive everywhere as fast as possible and throw away half-eaten food.
One of the surest signs of
being a total idiot being brilliant is to WIN AT SLEEPING. This means having a fight with your duvet, or something, and flinging around some cushions.
It’s very important that sleeping is a competitive sport. So much so that it will be included in the next Olympic games when Our Brave Athletes will Make Britain Proud by furiously outsleeping other countries such as the LOOSER EU.
If you don’t put on an expensive grey t-shirt before you go to bed you’re not working hard enough at relaxing. You should be sanctioned and immediately lose any bed benefits, such as wearing a nose clip that costs £30.
If you don’t compete with other people – or at least furniture or abstracts concepts – then how can you expect to compete for a job, Audi A3 or school place at the nearby rated-outstanding primary school? If you don’t undertake, tailgate or cut up on motorways how do you expect to win at sleeping?
Life is a battle and we can’t show anyone, even members of our family, the slightest mercy. Not even trees, cats or broccoli. Not astronomy, empathy, gravity, digestion nor jazz. You must defeat them all. You must win at sleeping.
But most of all you must defeat those nocturnal foes who might prevent you from winning at sleeping. Such as caffeine, the car alarm down the road and the gnawing existential fear you feel whenever you stop winning at other things like eating, walking and urinating.
Don’t stop winning at things, lest the fear return. The fear that it’s all for nothing, that you will die a sad, unfulfilled and empty vessel and that you know that on your death bed you’ll think ‘Why did I spend all that time worrying about winning stuff and being a dreadful human being?”.
Eat your dinner over a bin. WIN AT EATING!
Shit all over the floor in a public convenience. Yeah! Make them clear up your human waste! WIN AT SHITTING!
Park on double-yellow lines so you can be slightly closer to the shops. WIN AT PARKING!
Be a cunt in as many aspect of your life, preferably to the detriment of other people. WIN AT CUNTING!
It is not enough to win at sleeping. Others must fail at sleeping. Only then will you have an Audi A3, own parking space and four-bedroom house.