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Diet Coke Mango Advert: Superbad, SuperAnnoying, SuperStupid

Diet Coke Mango Advert

"It's good, no?" asks the worst man in the world, in this Diet Coke Mango advert for something called Diet Coke Exotic Mango, evidently part of Coca-Cola's efforts to remain relevant to a new generation of absolute dickheads.

No. It's not good. As is well established, Diet Coke tastes like petrol with a spoonful of Sucralose in it. I asked some followers of AdTurds what they thought it tasted like.

"Like what would come out of a ferret if you squeezed it too tightly," read one that caught my eye.

"Like the smell of the pedal bin when the bag needs changing," is another gruesome mental sensation.

The relationship between Diet Coke Mango and an actual mango is, I'd suggest, akin to the similarities between said fruit and a photocopy of a toddler's drawing of a mango.

And yet Coca-Cola is desperate for us to hail these new flavours as if they are the emperor's new low-calorie vegetable-based carbonated liquid. And to help, they've deployed what might be the most wilfully stupid ad campaign since Boris Johnson posed in front of a double-decker bus.

The reason is fairly clear: Coke, spooked by diversification in the market is chasing the youth quid. And when I say 'youth', I mean 'idiot'. At least, that's the only possible conclusion from this genuinely wounding set of Diet Coke adverts, that are barely one step above 'goo-goo, ga-ga' baby speak.

"I like Diet Coke, it's supergood," begins this new Diet Coke Mango advert. This is the second advert in this series that has used the 'super' prefix like a 50-year-old Dad wearing Adidas in the belief it makes him younger.

You can almost hear a room full of people staring at a report of words that 16-year-olds use and figuring out how they can work them into their ads, like a toddler whacking a jigsaw piece into the wrong slot.

He's 'totally into this,' he tells us, after a big swig of the Exotic Mango drink (listed ingredients do not include mango). This is another repeat, after the young lady in the first Diet Coke ad told us that the drink 'is delicious'.

Diet Coke Mango Advert

Now I'm all for keeping things simple in advertising, but if your actors actually have to protest that your drink is really, really, good it smacks a little of desperation.

He's into aerial yoga and DIY furniture. This is just pitiful, like some try-hard bell-end trying to impress a girl by listing 'zany' things they like. Coke says they're targeting younger people who are 'unapologetic' about doing the things they like in these Diet Coke Mango adverts. There's another word for doing things, just because you want to, especially if you're unapologetic about it: 'cunt'.

"Maybe you're into friends who leave voicemails," adds the man, in what sounds like some bizarre attempt at communicating in a secret code, before adding "I know I am!" with a slightly knowing look, again as if the audience is supposed to be in on this apparent double entendre.

"You've just got to like what you like - and I like Diet Coke," is the pay-off to the sequence of baffling logical dead ends.

I've heard of 'no hard sell', but this is 'no sell'. It actually leads me to ponder whether someone has taken up my theory of how most advertising works: the message is totally unimportant; the coverage is what matters. Would it matter what he said? If you chuck tens of millions of quids at TV companies, social networks and print, would it matter what you wrote?

Diet Coke Mango Advert

Maybe Coca-Cola decided to find out. Or maybe they focus-grouped what vlog-loving, gibberish-tweeting, LOLing teenagers talk like and it happened to be as bereft of meaning as if they had just written down a load of old shite for a man wearing a 90s denim jacket to say anyway.

And maybe the people who took receipt of that research, having read its findings, realised that the game was up.

That it had all been for nothing and that humanity was on the downward slope of a bell curve, skiing gleefully towards Idiocracy like a farmer voting for Brexit.

If the rise of Millennials has coined the term 'dawn of the dumb', this Diet Coke Mango advert is their simpleton soundtrack.

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John Lewis / Waitrose Bohemian Rhapsody Advert

John Lewis : Waitrose Bohemian Rhapsody Advert

I am immune to the supposed delight of other peoples' children, specifically the sound of the them singing. The sound of children laughing - heck, even my dormant hormones stir a little in their long slumber - but children singing? Genuinely horrible noise. Children are rubbish singers. And so it goes with this John Lewis / Waitrose Bohemian Rhapsody advert.

What have we got here? There's some robots, some kids (awwww!) singing Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, something about robots... it's a spot of blah because John Lewis and Waitrose are doing something with their branding and everyone must know about it. The tagline interests me - "For us it's personal" - because this advert has hit the airwaves, probably at some obscene price, just as John Lewis is sacking 270 of its staff. I'm sure the irony is not lost on them.

John Lewis : Waitrose Bohemian Rhapsody Advert

John Lewis, of course, is usually in hibernation at this time of year, waking only to spunk twelvety billion pounds on an advert in which a:

CGI / old / young;
person / animal / creature;
is sad / is sad / is sad.

When John Lewis ventures out of its natural Yuletide habitat its adverts generally involve children in some way, so to deliver a precision-guided arrows of consumerism straight to the hearts of weepy parents with crap drawings on their fridges, emotions utterly shot through years of looking after small humans and deep, deep wallets full of cash unspent on the nights out, city breaks and romantic holidays rendered impossible by enslavement to their offspring.

John Lewis : Waitrose Bohemian Rhapsody Advert

What else are they spend money on, but expensive and unnecessary kitchenware, expensive and unnecessary aspirational food, and expensive and unnecessary bed linen, straight from your friendly John Lewis and Waitrose stores?

And because this advert has a lot of money and a John Lewis logo lavished on it, people on social media are simultaneously evacuating their bladders, orgasming and weeping at the same time - as if they have swapped all of their mental faculties for one big gland that responds solely to emotions, pinballing from weepy mawkishness to an almost feral desire to spend £38 on a selection of herb-infused olive oils for that woman at work they don't like.

John Lewis : Waitrose Bohemian Rhapsody Advert

So forgive me if I don't join you in dabbing at your cheeks, getting slightly tumescent and feeling the need to do John Lewis's job for them by sharing it all over social media. I know it's not Christmas yet, despite John Lewis buying the festive season in 2012, but bah fucking humbug.

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