Hey. Are you one of those sad bastards who climbs into bed, reads for a bit, has an occasional tommy-tank and then drifts off to sleep? If so I have some bad news. If you don't win at sleeping YOUR A TOTAL LOOSER.
Did you notice the two spelling mistakes? That's because anyone who cares about spelling or apostrophes is not WINNING AT WRITING. Full caps are also evidence of WINNING AT TYPING. Everyone knows the most important people type in full caps, drive everywhere as fast as possible and throw away half-eaten food.
One of the surest signs of
being a total idiot being brilliant is to WIN AT SLEEPING. This means having a fight with your duvet, or something, and flinging around some cushions.
It's very important that sleeping is a competitive sport. So much so that it will be included in the next Olympic games when Our Brave Athletes will Make Britain Proud by furiously outsleeping other countries such as the LOOSER EU.
If you don't put on an expensive grey t-shirt before you go to bed you're not working hard enough at relaxing. You should be sanctioned and immediately lose any bed benefits, such as wearing a nose clip that costs £30.
If you don't compete with other people - or at least furniture or abstracts concepts - then how can you expect to compete for a job, Audi A3 or school place at the nearby rated-outstanding primary school? If you don't undertake, tailgate or cut up on motorways how do you expect to win at sleeping?
Life is a battle and we can't show anyone, even members of our family, the slightest mercy. Not even trees, cats or broccoli. Not astronomy, empathy, gravity, digestion nor jazz. You must defeat them all. You must win at sleeping.
But most of all you must defeat those nocturnal foes who might prevent you from winning at sleeping. Such as caffeine, the car alarm down the road and the gnawing existential fear you feel whenever you stop winning at other things like eating, walking and urinating.
Don't stop winning at things, lest the fear return. The fear that it's all for nothing, that you will die a sad, unfulfilled and empty vessel and that you know that on your death bed you'll think 'Why did I spend all that time worrying about winning stuff and being a dreadful human being?".
Eat your dinner over a bin. WIN AT EATING!
Shit all over the floor in a public convenience. Yeah! Make them clear up your human waste! WIN AT SHITTING!
Park on double-yellow lines so you can be slightly closer to the shops. WIN AT PARKING!
Be a cunt in as many aspect of your life, preferably to the detriment of other people. WIN AT CUNTING!
It is not enough to win at sleeping. Others must fail at sleeping. Only then will you have an Audi A3, own parking space and four-bedroom house.
Well. I didn't see that coming. You can add the victory of the MoneySupermarket Strutters in the poll to find the worst advert of 2016 to Brexit and Trump. Somehow the advert has ended up feeling the worst of that shitty triumvirate, though arguably it's less likely to cause the end of human existence as we know it.
The meerkats have settled into a sort of low-level 'it's-never-going-away-deal-with-it' humadruzz; GoCompare regenerates every month or so in an effort to find a new non-lethal weapon designed to make you purge your stomach and void your bowels; Confused.com has thrown its no-inconsiderable weight behind the not-inconsiderable weight of James Corden.
They're all annoying, but none of them wear it so badly as the MoneySupermarket adverts, which also display a wholly undeserved smugness. The freak hit of the EpicStrut advert has spawned a series of total duds, carpet-bombing the airwaves like the pitiful follow-up singles of an already-forgotten X-Factor winner. It's a zombie that's still alive even though all its limbs have been hacked off.
That the MoneySupermarket strutters managed to destroy a field full of debilitating, quite appalling adverts speaks of a deep loathing among the public that outpaces even faeces-packed nutribullets such as James Corden's Mr Greenlight advert, the abysmal 'children talking about wiping their bottoms; Andrex adverts, the fucking GoCompare cabbie (part-Greg Wallace, part-David Yelland, twice as abysmal) and even The Bloody Admiral.
Notable 'other' answers are included in the Wordle below, but Shpock was a common choice. It's also worth noticing that James Corden becomes the first person in the best part of a decade to attract a significant number of votes in two different adverts.
Where once banishment to a different continent once brought sweet relief, Corden seems to have become some sort of purgatorial instrument, destined to torment us in perpetuity.
The #epicwars - with strutters, builders and accountants (and random fat woman) - may have combined to create the worst advert of 2016, but it feels like Corden will abide for many, many decades.