Of course I future-proofed myself against this Epic Skeletor Moneysupermarket advert back in January when I reacted to the news that the MoneySupermarket 'EpicSomething' adverts had been voted worst advert of the year.
Here's what I wrote:
They're all annoying, but none of them wear it so badly as the MoneySupermarket adverts, which also display a wholly undeserved smugness. The freak hit of the EpicStrut advert has spawned a series of total duds, carpet-bombing the airwaves like the pitiful follow-up singles of an already-forgotten X-Factor winner. It's a zombie that's still alive even though all its limbs have been hacked off.
If the people who make the MoneySupermarket adverts had read that paragraph and then created to advert simply to fulfil every naff characteristic highlighted in it, they couldn't have done a better job.
But it's even worse. The EpicSomething adverts were based on a genuinely original and dissonant advert - the guy walking down the street with his peculiar backside following 50 yards behind him. Every subsequent advert has been a pale, Xeroxed imitation that has truly shown up whoever comes with these adverts to be one-trick ponies. A builder, a security guard, some more builders, a fat woman. Because irony.
But the EpicSkeletor advert cross-pollinates this creative bankruptcy with another sign that they're bereft of ideas over at Mother, the retained agency responsible for this stuff.
80s nostalgia is big online and it's rarely possible to venture onto social media without someone posting a picture of Arthur from Eastenders and writing REMEMBER ARTHUR FROM EASTENDERS SHARE AND RETWEET IF YOU DO, followed by 50,000 Likes and lots of people tagging other people so they see the picture of Arthur from Eastenders.
So all-encompassing has this behaviour become that The Department of Work & Pensions is being closed and replaced with 25 people in Clapham employed to create 80s memes instead.
With a crushing inevitability that must surely have been whipped up by a lot of people holding their nose we get an EpicSomething mated to a BanalMeme in this Skeletor MoneySupermarket advert. And while the horrible Legobox estate house Skeletor lives in is minutely diverting there's nothing else that's remotely interesting about this advert - just a race-to-the-bottom clash of crap whose only intent is to raise a glimmer of brain activity in the terminally-short-of-imagination.
As a side note, a shoutout to the many, many websites on the internet that seem to exist solely to write in glowing terms about how amazing each new big advert is, even when they're clearly not. Whether this is some form of arch self-reflexivity or just desperate self-interest I'm not sure but do seek them out for an insight into what it's like to never have enjoyed a critical thought in your entire life.
• If you want to remind yourself of the actually-entertaining camp weirdness of Skeletor in the otherwise earnest Master of the Universe, take a look at this compilation of Skeletor's best insults and imagine the best are being directed at whoever's chiefly responsible for the Skeletor Moneysupermarket Advert.
• Skeletor is also a popular meme on social media thanks to his bitchy insults - another genuinely interesting aspect to the character completely ignored by the MoneySupermarket advert. He's so popular there's a handy meme generator that will allow you to easily create your own. Here's my effort.
It's not news that we live in weird times: Brexit, Trump, Ed Sheeran's chart takeover and this VIPoo advert. All indications that something is amiss in the universe. But none of them come anywhere near this latest tear in the fabric of time and space: I briefly liked the new McDonald's McCafe advert.
Here are some of the reasons I hate McDonald's: they make shit food that tastes absolutely disgusting; they blandify high streets and city centres; they have that awful whistle; their adverts are voiced by an EveryDave; they're still contributing to deforestation, despite their stated aim to cut it out; they're clogging up the planet with plastic cartons; they target kids in their advertising; and they make gibbering, slurping simpletons out of grown-up people.
Suggest that we meet for a mug of Joe in a McDonald's and I'd think you were a total weirdo, but I do like the most recent McDonald's advert that takes aim at a pet hate of mine: the utter insanity of modern-day coffee.
It's fantastically overpriced, it's bewildering, it's served in stupid mugs and often made by idiots. Pointing out the absurdity of all these things and then pointing out that you can get a reasonably-priced, non-thretening coffee at your local Maccies is therefore a home-run.
But as I watched it back a couple of times I started to find it increasingly obnoxious - it smacks of 'so-called experts' and the horrible, deliberate stupidity of the Brexit campaign, where to be identified as an elite, for any reason (ie. being clever, playing the piano, liking wine etc), was to be identified as a hate figure by right-wing newspapers. There's more than a whiff of that dark-age mentality to this advert, which will appal you more and more with every viewing.
Of course while there's a nasty streak of inverse snobbery to this I'm caught between two shitty stools. Yes there are stupid coffee shops of the 'I saw you coming variety' that will milk your lack of confidence or knowledge about a drink to shaft you (plenty of 'craft' beer pubs repeat the same trick).
But I like a really good coffee and I don't mind paying an independent business to serve me some because I'd rather see a nice, characterful cafe on my local high street than the service-industry combine harvester of a McDonald's, chomping up everything in its path and turning into something infinitely less interesting.
I have a suggestion: swerve the stupid Hipster places that will serve up the sort of nonsense you see in this McDonald's McCafe advert and make it your business to put the local Maccies, Starbucks and Costa out of theirs. Instead get to know your cosy little local coffee shop, cafe or greasy spoon.
We seem to have lost sight of the happy medium in life. Not everything is a binary choice, black-and-white, good or evil. And that's where the really interesting stuff in life lies. If your daily drudge amounts to a series of McDonald's McCafes then, frankly, you're failing at it.
Walks down a few alleyways, take a different route home, go somewhere you've never been on holiday, pop into that pub, shop or restaurant you've heard good things about, walk down a high street and buy your groceries from the local butcher, baker, candlestick-maker.
There's a whole world out there and sometimes it's scary. But you don't want to lie on your deathbed and look back on a life of McDonald's McCafes.