This month's most irritating 30-second headfucks - vote for your worst.
Haven't painted your shed an unlikely shade of lilac in an attempt to placate a miniature hipster biplane pilot who sounds like Paul Bearer? Shame on you.
Shoot this twat out of the sky - throw cricket balls at him, fire African killer bees at him, train a Harris Hawk to dig its icy talons into his throat - I beg you.
Melt him, grate him, grill him, microwave him - I don't care which, just get this dairy-based lifeform and his hideously punchable voice off my television already.
Brian. Confused.com. Brian. Confused.com.
Confused.com. Brian. Brian. Confused.com.
The adverts haunting my dreams this month, in no particular order...
There's something about the way that, as a society, we seem to regard gak like McDonalds, Domino's, Nando's and Haribo as some sort of incredible treat. Fine if you're a child; frankly pathetic if you're an adult. These pizzas are, as it goes, quite nice, as long as you recognise that takeaway pizzas are about as similar to the real thing as a fruit pastille is to a hydrogen bomb.
But, seriously, have you ever deconstructed the cost of these precision-guided heart-attack missiles? For the cost of an average large pizza - one you're going to eat, lukewarm, in your house let's not forget - you can get a fillet fucking steak. You could buy two free-range twatting chickens. Or a cunting keg of beer. If you live on the minimum wage you will work for two and a half hours just to buy this fusion of all-the-worst-food-groups-with-cheese-on-it. Want sides? You do, because you're conditioned to tell yourself that you deserve to treat yourself. Back to scrubbing those bogs mate.
Or, have you been unlucky enough to spend any amount of time trying to decipher their impossible menus? That bloke from Coast has been drafted in to try and explain its myriad nooks, crannies and labyrinths. Fermat's Theorem could have been solved with the brainpower it took to construct something so devilishly baffling- again, something designed not be to easy to use, but to make you spend more money.
But, mainly, I have a problem withe the appalling soundtrack. Not satisfied with that ridiculous, and totally empty, GREATNESS FROM DOMINO'S! song we now have to hear it backwards. I'd say hold the cheese, but, y'know.
Clubcard Fuel Save
Not much to say about this, other than it made me shout OH, FUCK OFF! at the television earlier today. And, believe it or not, that's not something I make a habit of. So twee that it makes Felicity Kendal vomit.
"Oh, no. That's terrible. They've shit all over your cat."
"Don't just stand there stating the bleeding obvious, woman, call the bloody police!
Vote for March's Most Annoying Advert
All despicable, all currently on television. But which is worst? You tell me, for once.