AdTurds Bad Adverts – Badverts

19Nov/170

AdTurds Keywords: Poo Chute Advert, Kia Bukakke

james corden confused.com advert

I haven't done these for a while because most search terms are hidden from sight these days, in case websites start picking up on your predilection for Big Tits Ebony Cumshots, or suchlike. But they remain a fascinating, amusing and occasionally disturbing insight into what people are thinking and how they use the internet.

As I've said before people lie all the time, to everyone in their lives. But they don't lie to search engines, the modern-day portrait in all our attics. Here's a rundown of some that caght me eye, and some of my responses.

That people think these things is one, that they then bother to open up a search, type or speak it into their device and search for responses is fucking hilarious, sinister or tragic in equal measures.

I look at these terms and I think of the tweets that disgraced celebrities - Zoella and the ex-editor of Gay Times are reecent examples - having their horrible old tweets read back to them. And the alarm, disgust and horror writ large on the faces of people coming face-to-face with their own id.

That's what these search terms speak of: the unconscious mind. Simple brainfarts and mind splurges and inexplicable, troubling impulses: to hear Davina McCall saying the word 'cunt'; to look at the lady who plays The Admiral with no clothes on; to write the words 'fuck Uncle' into s search engine, presumably in some moment of listless sexual curiosity.

I guess in this way this is the closest thing you'll get to an AdTurds Q+A. Don't have nightmares.

• adam richman . is he in vipoo ad
I'm pretty sure he's not but I can't think of many better candidates for an advert where your shit stinks than a man famous for eating industrial quantities ot Mac'n'cheese.

• admiral girl nude
I can't help with this, but you may enjoy THIS

• adturds feminism
I'm in favour of it.

• andrew castle is a cunt
I just wanted to include this one.

• andrex washlets are they flushable
No they are not, according to everyone apart from Andrex.

• annoying nationwide advert 2017
You may enjoy this.

• are people on toothpaste adverts really dentists
Apparently so, though the civvies are often played by actors.

• are the goats in the hsbc ad really up the tree
Yes, according to this post on Facebook:

• ban strutters v builders
Something even a search engine cannot achieve.

• beagle street advert chavs
Not sure what Beagle Street was going for with its adverts but I'm guessing it wasn't 'chavs'

buzzcocks mcdonald advert
A search term that continues to pain me.

• camilla arfwedson feet
Can't help with this one.

• cheeky volvic
Ugh. One from the archives.

• cheryl baker naked
This remains of the most unerringly (and bafflingly) popular search terms on AdTurds. (To figure out how and why I searched for this term and discovered that there are people on the internet who believe that Cheryl Baker shot a topless scene in the film Die Hard.)

• cheryl bakers tits
There we go again.

• chris kamara advert awful terrible bad
Awful terrible bad bearely scratches the surface of anything Chris Kamara is involved in as far as I'm concerned.

• davina mccall saying cunt
I'd like to think such a video exists.

• does mo farah advertise uncle ben
No, he advertises Quorn.

• does the girl advertising admiral insurace have a funny eye
I don't think so. Though the character does have DISTURBING SEXUAL TENDENCIES.

admiral tv advert

• dreadful andrex advert
These advert were truly hated in 2017.

• ed sheeran banal
Incredibly grateful to see the 'b' in this search term

• fuck off go compare
Do people think that by typing something into this into a search it might happen? And how long until someone figures out how to offer that service?

• go compare fat fucker adturds
Poor Wynne Evans, the man behind Gio Compario. In real-life he's not that fat as it goes...

• how creepy is kevin bacon in those adverts?
Extremely. CLick here for more: MOLERAT.

• hugo boss is a cunt
I can't comment on the veracity of this but, given he was a supporter of the Third Reich, he probably wasn't a megadude.

• hungry house advert asian gay
An unusual reading of this advert.

I hate...

The 'I hate' section is always a good barometer of which brands' adverts are particularly hated by readers. I'd say McDonalds, Nationwide, Lloyds, MoneySupermarket, GoCompare, Andrex, Haribo, Oak Furniture Land and Muller have been the main recipients this year.

• i hate andrew castle

• i hate oak furniture land

• i hate that fat turd james corden

• i hate the creepy harabo tv advert

• i hate the lloyds bank advertisement - why do we have to praise them?

• is adturds.co.uk run by a communist child?
Yes, this one.

• is it rob brydens real wife on the cruise adverts
This strikes me as unlikely.

• jade goody iceland
I don't think this was ever a thing but she would have been so on-brand for the Iceland of 2010, had she not been dead.

james corden adturds
It pleases me that such search terms exist. And there are not inconsiderable - and growing - archives.

• kia advert nick knight 99% chance of rain
Seriously?

• kia bukkake
A baffling and confusing query.

• lesbian bdsm
A section I keep meaning to create.

• list of indian actors in tesco adverts
This is pretty disturbing.

• liverpool accent not good enough for tsesco advert
Uh?

• macdonaldspunkgirl
Only included because I first misread it as McDonalds Spunk Girl. Which, judging by some search queries, is exactly what many readers had in mind when it came to the girl in the punk advert.

• man child tesco advert
I think you're looking for Will Close, whose character in the Tesco adverts has obviously been murdered.

• mcdonalds whistle advert hate
One of my favourite search terms of the year - sounds like a Mark E Smith lyric.

mcdonald's punk advert

• money supermarket .com skelltor ad do they wear suits
I would be enormously concerned if the man playing Skeletor was not wearing a suit.

mr jackson the rapping teacher cunt
Mr Jackson sent me a nice message on Twitter, so while I still decry his adverts he seems like a nice man.

opal fruits
The brand that refuses to DIE

• poo chute advert
I refuse to believe...

• renault crossover advert whats it about
Divorce.

• rice dildo
Not a practical solution.

• rob brydon advert tesco
Still Ben Miller.

• tesco advert freddie
Fred's dead baby, Fred's dead.

tesco advert son

• the andrex adverts how true are they
If the adverts are about the washlets being flushable the answer is 'not at all'

• tom adams prick
I really liked Tom Adams.

• travel lodge wifi shit
I love these tiny, anonymous insights into the lives of strangers that search terms afford me. And it brings a tiny glimmer to my heart that someone trapped in a Travelodge with shit WiFi ended up on AdTurds.

• tv advert showing couple at orgy escaping in car
I refuse to believe such an advert exists.

• vipoo advert
The most poular search term of the year, barring various iterations of 'adturds', 'shit adverts', 'annoying adverts' and 'terrible adverts'

VIPoo advert

voltarol tennis advert
A bizarrely popular search term.

• we're putting cum inside m&ms ad
Nope. No idea.

• wearing top naked from the waist down
There's a scene featuring Julianne Moore from Short Cuts you're going to love.

• what idiot came up with that ad in your so money supermarket
Someone at Mother who probably earned a million's quid's worth of cocaine.

moneysupermarket advert strutter

• whats the character name of the tesco carritt man?
I don't know what this refers to, but The Carritt Man sounds like a Doctor Who baddie.

• when was the thank crunchie it's friday advert
Still gets a runout from time to time, as does the Milky Way advert. I approve.

• when watching film on tv it interrupts the program with a advert, whats wrong?
Boy have I got news for you.

• where did the hive advert singing bard get his guitar
A guitar shop?

• where does the arnie robot in the ppi advert come from?
This strikes me as a deep existential question. Perhaps a reminder that adverts are not real life would be useful at this juncture.

• who is fantastic guy from go compare
It's either Greg Wallace or David Yelland..

• who is that wanker on the direct line advert
You're not narrowing that down.

• who is the actress in the natwest /topcat advert
That's been bugging me and every time I see it I think she's the girl who played Rachel Jordache in Brookside.

top cat halifax advert

• whos the woman on the iceland advert who had mental breakdown
If we're talking about Iceland adverts I suspect there are several potential candidates.

• why are all toothpaste ads the same with the weird camera movements
I plead the fifth on this one

• why did james corden change the saying in the confused.com advert
As with James Corden's motivation for virtually anything, I suspect the answer is 'money'

• why do in hyundia car adverts do people always smile
Why wouldn't you smile if you were in a Hyundai advert?

• why do people hate clean bandit
Because they're dreadful? And because of the Cortana advert.

Clean Bandit Cortana advert

• why do they use fucking northern accents in fucking adverts
Northern accents are more trustworthy.

• why do toothbrush adverts use actresses with false teeth
I refuse to believe... etc

• why do they use overweight people for confused .com.adverts
I'd be surprised to find out this was a deliberate choice.

• why is greg wallace/such a twat
Probably because he had to go that Go Compare advert.

go compare taxi advert fantastic

• why is piers morgan such a cunt
For money. This is one of about a dozen queries about what a tosser Piers Morgan is.

• why tv adverts are bad
If I ever find I'll let you know.

There you have it. Alphabetised, sorted, curated and commented. And if you think some of them are bad you should have seen the ones I left out...

29Dec/166

The Worst Adverts Of 2016 : Vote

Go compare advert taxi cabbie

The Worst Adverts of 2016 then. Does anyone care? Among a whole world seemingly collapsing in on itself adverts might seem small beer. But one of my theories about why everything's going to Hell in a handcart is that we can't make sense of the world around us.

Fake news, lies and liars are the predominant phenomena of 2016. When we can't understand what is happening and why it makes sense that idiot certainties have a certain appeal.

james corden confused.com advert

There's lots of blame to apportion here with advertising seemingly a long way down the list. But advertising's playbook has been ripped off wholesale by politicians in 2016: exaggeration, omission, hyperbole, boastfulness, appeals to instincts and urges - and outright fabrications.

The last ten years of adverts have taught us that people remember stuff they hate - so politicians and newspapers did the obvious thing and told us to hate people, places, things. Thanks for nothing advertising.

In that spirit advertising appears as sinister to me as it ever did. I see no cartoon dogs, friendly celebs and companies who have our best interests at heart. I see the gears of the whole perverted system grinding along, powering the whole sorry affair on and on until we've spent every last quid and raped every last natural resource.

new admiral advert

I've already dealt with the worst things of 2016. In that same spirit here's the longlist for the worst adverts of 2016. Who will it be? The Admiral? The 'Fantastic!" Go Compare cabbie? The risible Diet Chef advert? Before we go any further I should probably point out to those of a nervous disposition that James Corden features twice. It's up to you to choose the absolute nadir at the bottom of the article.

The Worst Adverts of 2016

MoneySupermarket EpicDanceOff adverts

Whoever makes the MoneySupermarket adverts doesn't seem aware of the fact they stumbled across a winning advert purely by chance. After many years of complete duffers the sight of a man with a magic arse stalking down the road was a rare, vaguely uncanny hit. Like the office dick who has stumbled randomly across a witticism, only to repeat it forevermore, MoneySupermarket persists with these 'epic something' ads in much the same way a drunk would return to an empty whiskey bottle. They're fucking shit, MoneySupermarket, and everyone hates them. #Epicshite

M&Ms Advert

I hate the Pixarification, the Billy Crystal bastardisation of virtually any American animation - and I hate that we're forced fed this sugary gak because it's like smack for children. I'd like to crush these dopey, Disneyfied, Yank-ish and wholly unloveable cartoonish pricks in a vice until their delicious, brittle carapaces splinter into a million pieces.

Gaz and Leccy advert

Yes Gaz and Leccy are annoying. They're from the same kiddified animation playbook and that's pretty patronising. But I honestly think the thing most people find so infuriating is that it's such a shit pun. Just like Pan'n'Fern - the hapless women crowbarred into the Planitherm advert - it simply doesn't work. Gaz, Ok I can just about work with that. But Leccy?

Gaz: Hello, my name is Gaz. I'm some gas.
Leccy. Oh, OK. I'm some electricity.
Gaz: Right, what's your name then? Tricia? Ric?
Leccy: No my name is... Leccy.
Gaz: Leccy? Your name is Leccy? What's that short for?
Leccy: It's short for Electricity.
Gaz: But... that's not even a name.
Leccy. I know (sobbing). IT'S NOT EVEN A NAME!

If there's one thing guaranteed to stink like a fart under a duvet it's bad wordplay. For shame, Smart Energy GB.

Oak Furniture Land

Just one tiny example of how misleading people became just another tool in the arsenal of cuntery in 2016 was when Oak Furniture Land got its knuckles rapped for claiming there was no veneer in its products. In fact Oak Furniture Land has made the following claims in its advertising:

“No veneer in ‘ere“;
“Solid hardwood“;
“100% solid hardwood furniture“;
“100% Solid“;
“All of our cabinet furniture is made from 100% solid hardwood from top to toe; veneer, plywood and chipboard are never used”.

The ASA didn't agree, saying that some of the material used in Oak Furniture Land products 'functioned as a veneer'. Which poses rather a problem for Oak Furniture Land, which has been making hay with this message via its two characters which are actually called Oak and Acorn. They really are. I know, I know.

Still, I rather suspect the reason for readers' annoyance when it comes to these adverts is that they're fucking enraging in their ubiquity and chirpy soundtrack. As far as their wares go, if you want your home to look like a middling hotel chain that went through an inexpensive refurb five years ago, who am I to judge?

Nationwide Poem Adverts

I have nothing against poetry. It's not my favourite medium but I'd challenge you to read Houseman, Hughes or Larkin without feeling something stir within you. Great poetry is startlingly beautiful. By the same token bad poetry is as deleterious as it gets. Plonk it unceremoniously in the awkward mouths of street youfs and you have a recipe for disaster. Nothing against Isadora and her poem about keys but Jesus Christ.

Diet Chef advert

An advert so horribly inept it was banned by the Advertising Standards Authority on the basis that it was 'really fucking rubbish'.

Confused.com Mr Greenlight advert

In which 'insufferable cunt' James Corden (as described by one AdTurds reader) is amazed when some traffic lights change colour. The fact that the soundtrack to this advert is a song by a man who was killed it a car crash sums up the blithe vacuity of the whole enterprise.

Jacob's Cracker Crisps advert

Ironic try-hard juxtaposition catastrophe.

AO Talent Show advert

"The votes are in; its not good news" was pretty much the watch-word for the year. But even a world where Donald Trump is President is more attractive that this grisly focus-grouped idea of multinational Brits brought together by a talent show. And then someone throws a chicken on the table, just to communicate that no-one ever had the slightest investment in this crap idea in the first place and random poultry can't exactly make it any worse.

Flash singing dog advert

Seriously. How long was spent on making this advert? Just in case you're too busy dry heaving to take any notice, this constitutes the best bits of the lyrics in this advert:

"Where the hell has all the mud gone? I'm sure there was lots of mud. I shook off lots of mud. Where has the mud gone?"

Throw in a CGI dog and Queen's Flash and you have a pitiful car crash that has forced talented voice actors, CGI renderers and that poor actress into a 30-second criminal act that can only be the result of a game of Cluedo and Bowie songwriting technique unceremoniously buggering one another.

"Err, a dog, some mud, the soundtrack from camp 1908s space opera film Flash Gordon and one of the chessboard rolls of vinyl. What can we do with that?"

The answer is not just one of the worst adverts of the year but a music and lyrical journey only matched in its childish ineptitude by the last Catfish and the Bottlemen album.

Sainsbury's Christmas advert

One of the worst pieces of music I've heard since the last Coldplay album, sung incredibly badly by James Corden, described by one AdTurds reader as an 'irritating sack of shit'. It's also worth noting that this advert lamenting the prioritisation of work over family life is promoting Sainsbury's, whose stores were open on Boxing Day from 9am. How's that for a modern morality tale?

Go Compare Fantastic adverts

I know that these luvaduck cor-blimey UKIP-and-fry-up people probably exist, but do we really need them spewing their elongated vowels all over the telly? Why the beatific gurgling noise, as if he's discharging his dreadful cabbie semen over a Page 3 girl's tits? It's clear now that we will never be free of Gio Compario - just like you're never really free of sensitive skin, bad knees or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Very Not Fantastic.

Andrex advert

I don't know why Andrex keeps ploughing this, er, crevice. A hideous confluence of sickly kid cutesiness and someone asking you how you feel when you wipe your arse. Why does Andrex persist in making us feel nauseous?

Just Eat adverts

The Just Eat advert is less of an earworm and more of an earparasite. Don't expect to be free of it any time soon.

Admiral advert

Frankly a misfire that is astonishing even for advertising. The Admiral advert is an absolute horrorshow of what happens when something goes wrong and no-one can stop it. (PS. Here's a bonus AdTurd about The Admiral's very after-hours encounter with her employee Tom.

Halifax Top Cat advert

It's very much in keeping with modern times that mortgages are advertised by a stray animal that is famous for living in a bin. Along with the Flintstones efforts - complete with appalling impression - it struck a new low in the best part of two decades worth of truly terrible Halifax adverts.

Vote: Worst Adverts of 2016

Vote for your worst adverts of 2016 here. But think carefully - you can only choose one...