Yes, The Admiral is back – greeted by sighs of relief and ecstasy around the country, not to mention bafflement as to how we managed so long without her in our lives. This one’s about Multicover and is about how you can insure your car and house under the same oh dear God I can’t write another word about it.
It can hardly be accidental that The Admiral’s omniscience and Tom’s bumbling stupidity have been heftily reined in here. Previous efforts were heavy with kookiness and the sort of 80s-sitcom comedic notes that drive television viewers to spittle-flecked fury.
In the new Admiral advert we see the Admiral – for it is she and yes she’s a woman, outdoing Doctor Who by a good 12 months in exploring fearless new boundaries of gender fluidity – with Tom and Nigel. Nigel is clearly playing gooseberry here, probably at the insistence of Tom, lest the Admiral engage him in another bout of sadomasochistic sex.
Still he can’t escape the lustful intentions of The Admiral, as is clearly communicated by a meaningful look between the two, heavy with significance. Looks like there’ll be more than one prat’s bottom getting a once-over then.
The Admiral is now showing a slight edge to her character, telling off hapless Tom for exactly the sort of kooky nonsense that seems to be her stock-in-trade in this new Admiral TV advert. Combined with her omnipotence this brittleness set me off on a disturbing flight of fancy.
What does the Admiral do when everyone’s gone home at night? And what if the overwhelming burden of superhero-level powers, coupled with the high-pressure boardroom environment that goes with running a multi-billion insurance company were to have releases that might be deemed… unconventional?
I offer the following as my script for the next advert. Perhaps an Admiral TV Advert: After Dark kind of thing. What if, when she’s finished always looking out for the customer during day, by night she’s more concerned with looking out for her own sado-masochistic sexual needs? Granted, we’re not likely to see such depravity on-screen but it all fits when you think about it. The uniforms, the slavish devotion to ‘customers’, the overly familiar relationship with work colleagues. In fact, there’s enough material here for an entire conference…
Admiral: Evening Tom
Tom: Oh. Hello.
Admiral (simultaneously): Is there something…?
Tom (simultaneously): It’s just I didn’t expect…
Admiral (simultaneously): ..wrong?
Tom: (simultaneously): …to see you. Hahaha!
Admiral: Sorry. Go on.
Tom: It’s just… we never see you unless it’s at the office? [Beat]. Can I smell gin?
Admiral (removing hat and shaking hair out): Oh, come on Tom. Even Admirals let their hair down from time to time you know.
Tom (awkwardly): Oh, haha. Yes I suppose all work and (tails off).
The Admiral fixes Tom with a grin and moves slightly closer
Admiral: Aren’t you going to invite me in, Tom?
Tom (laughs without humour): It’s just, er…
Admiral: You aren’t going to keep a girl waiting on the doorstep, Tom?
Tom: No! No, come in. Excuse the, er. It’s just I wasn’t expecting, um…
Admiral (a little slurred): Aren’t you going to offer me a drink? When I have too much to drink I’m naughty! I bet you like naughty girls don’t you Tom?
Tom: Oh, haha! Well we’re all a little bit naughty sometimes. Look, I’ve got this Fray Bentos pie in the oven…
Admiral (pouting): Don’t you like me Tom? I’ve got all dressed up for you. I thought you’d like it.
Tom: It’s… very nice. I always wondered if you actually wore it after hours… Look, this is…
Admiral (hiccuping): Aren’t I beautiful, Tom?
Tom: Yes but I’m… I’m seeing someone.
Admiral: Oh, oh God. I’ve made such a fool of myself.
She starts crying.
Tom: Look, it’s OK. Look I’m very flattered. You’re a very beautiful… Admiral.
Admiral (sniffs): Am I really beautiful? No-one’s every told me I’m beautiful.
She touches his hand.
Tom: Very beautiful. I mean there are lots of men… If things were different…
Admiral (softly): I’ve seen you looking at me Tom.
Admiral: In the office. I’ve seen you looking at me; undressing me with your eyes. You want me Tom. You want to make love to me don’t you.
Tom: Make love?
Admiral (looking down): It’s so very unprofessional you know. Looking at me, lusting after me. And with me being your boss…
Tom: What do you mean?
Admiral: I could overlook it of course, if you were nice to me.
Tom: I don’t…
Admiral: I mean if you were very nice to me, Tom.
Tom: Look, I think…
The Admiral removes her tunic to reveal a peephole bra. The aroma of Fray Bentos Steak & Kidney pie can be detected coming from the kitchen.
Tom: Oh Jesus.
Admiral: So you see Tom. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. I’m always looking out for my staff Tom.
Tom (flustered): Look, I think I can smell burning and I said I’d visit my Mum…
Admiral (directly): Jesus Christ. Tom, you’re going to walk over here, bend me over this couch and whip me until I come. Is that understood?
Admiral (sharply): Is that understood?
Tom (softly): Yes.
15 minutes later
Admiral (breezily): Tom?
Tom (slowly buttoning up shirt while looking at the floor): Yes?
Admiral (coldly): We don’t need to mention this. Ever.
Tom miserably closes the door behind the Admiral, just as a smoke alarm in the kitchen rents the air.