AdTurds Bad Adverts – Badverts

24Dec/180

The Worst Adverts Of 2018: Vote

worst adverts of 2018

Well, the last year flew by eh? Seems like just a few weeks since we were ready to go to TUI headquarters brandishing flaming torches and defaced copies of their brochures. And here we are again: time for the worst adverts of 2018.

Over the last year work and lifestyle changes mean I've watched less and less television - and so fewer adverts. That has the effect of insulating me from much of it, but being so much more aware of how dreadful some adverts are when they do make it through the mental shields I've developed over the years. Suffice to say over on Facebook and in the reader comments I am kept well abreast of the latest disasters.

Diet Coke Mango Advert

2018 was perhaps the year when I felt most people in the country were able to understand the madness I have fleetingly experienced over the last ten years. As I write the government is stockpiling food and medicine - and spending £4bn on planning for a disastrous no-deal Brexit that it could simply rule out if it wanted to. Even the Leavers I know think the government has gone mad.

Welcome to the world of AdTurds; a world where you can't quite believe that no-one else seems to appreciate how insane everything is. Where you want to grab people in the street, shake them and scream in their face that they stop eating at Nando's, buying those stupid plastic coffee pods seemingly designed to pollute the world for ever, calling radio phone-ins and all the million-and-one other things that seem to speak of certifiable insanity.

Well, maybe they have a taste of my universe now. And if you don't, well the next 3,000 words on the worst adverts of 2018 might give you an insight into it. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. Enter at your own peril - for there may be no way back.

Worst Adverts Of 2018

Wrigley's Extra advert - Tom

See Chewing-Gum Tom in his bare-chested glory. He has just finished fingering your daughter. See him chewing mint-flavoured gum. See his fashionably floppy hair. See him standing only in his boxers, which hide a penis <...hmm, penis...> that was until a few minutes ago interfering with your offspring in a particularly intimate manner.

Chewing-Gum Tom has already usurped you in the stakes of your child's affections. Now he openly challenges you, with his flat stomach and well-developed chest. < Perhaps you are attracted to Chewing-Gum Tom on some level? No, no - there is only the Oedipal challenge he now presents. Forget about caressing his rock-hard abs >.

You must destroy Chewing-Gum Tom, like Saturn devouring his own son. If you do not strike now he will stand metaphorically astride your broken body, wielding the testes he has symbolically removed from your nether regions, steadily meeting your gaze and willing you to voice a breath of discontent at the terrible, unspoken subtext that passes between you < ...sinking into those eyes like limpid pools of cool, cool water.... >.

Chewing-Gum Tom owns your Princess and his vigorous manhood < oh dear Christ his penis, his erect penis...> is going to be at her like a frantic piston during a rash B-road overtaking manoeuvre - and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Kill Chewing-Gum Tom < ...kiss Chewing-Gum Tom...>.

KILL HIM NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!


Diet Coke Mango - Superbad advert

Perhaps the one thing that made the idea of imminent climate change apocalypse seem like it might not be such a bad thing, the Diet Coke Mango advert is truly a piece of appalling stupidity not even Nathan Barley could have gone there.

Maybe Diet Coke focus-grouped what vlog-loving, gibberish-tweeting, LOLing teenagers talk like and it happened to be as bereft of meaning as if they had just written down a load of old shite for a man wearing a 90s denim jacket to say anyway.

And maybe the people who took receipt of that research, having read its findings, realised that the game was up. That it had all been for nothing and that humanity was on the downward slope of a bell curve, skiing gleefully towards Idiocracy like a farmer voting for Brexit.

If the rise of Millennials has coined the term 'dawn of the dumb', this Diet Coke Mango advert is their simpleton soundtrack.

• Read the original Diet Coke Mango advert entry


Sainsbury's Christmas advert

The sound of children singing is horrible. Children are shit at singing. Wiring plugs, claiming housing benefit, driving articulated lorries. All things kids are shit at - but we don’t make them do those things do we? So why do we have to make an exception for the little fuckers making a noise scarcely less awful than Donald Trump dragging his fingernails down a blackboard... then sexually molesting it like he would any given woman within lunging distance?

What’s that? You like the sound of your own kids singing? Course you do. You’re a slave to hormones in the same way those ants who’ve been parasitised by fungus are. Your kids could probably singing Catfish and the Fucking Bottlemen backwards and you’d wee yourself a little bit.

No, children cannot sing. But they can shriek feel-seeking emotional missiles straight at your cry glands. Sainsbury’s know this - so that’s what they have served up for your Christmas dinner: emotion raw as sushi, with lashings of sentimental sludge and a side-serving of the vague unease we rightly feel when we make precocious children sing and dance like adults.

Now off you go to buy your Taste The Difference goodies like the good little ants you are.


Halifax Ghostbusters advert

This Halifax Ghostbusters Advert is the advertising equivalent of defecating directly onto the faces of everyone involved in the original film. Here Bill Murray is replaced by Gareth, the stout Welsh chap who, not content with vomiting all over the Wizard Of Oz, now seems to be embarking on an all-out cultural rampage that will presumably end with him painting a cock into the Mona Lisa's mouth.

I'm guessing that it's no coincidence that Bill Murray is not involved - a man who, unlike Dan Akroyd, seems to be unimpressed by money and frivolity when it comes to his work. Harold Ramis, of course, did not have a choice whether he appeared in this genuinely upsetting spot, by handy virtue of being dead. There's an irony.

If you accept that some things would be beyond the pale on virtually any level - let's say dropping Gareth into Schindler's List to discuss life insurance, for example - then you accept that all such judgements are questions of degree. And if you have any sense you'd concede that everyone's red lines are set at different levels. Who are we to judge other people's red lines?

To see adverts like this is to look through your memories, the repository of stuff you like, and realise that every single bit of it is up for sale. And whether you like Ghostbusters or not, that's a frightening thought.

• Read the original Halifax Ghostbusters advert entry


Flo & Joan Nationwide advert

People literally begged me to make this advert stop, like when you see women in films who are so desperate to save their children they offer their bodies to Nazi soldiers. Flo and Joan are probably lovely people and in the right place - a Radio 4 comedy programme or some godawful hipster cafe I hopefully never have to visit - I have no problem with them.

But stick anything on television again and again - even Salma Hayek pouting or Tom Baker laughing or the Blake's 7 theme tune - and it's going to become hateful very quickly.

And if your song about a house is so twee it makes people pull the same face as when they bite on a lime segment, then expect hatred so strong it rivals Toby Young's utter hatred of himself for being a snivelling little cunt.


Boots - She's Me Mum advert

This Boots advert features something more and more prevalent in Christmas adverts: a relatable Christmas message (you hate your own mother) and relatable (ie. terrible) singing.

With lyrics that would unite the DUP and Sinn Fein in mutual hatred ("It was her; did you see? Standing there; by the tree") and with a voice scarcely less awful than Boris Johnson grunting his way to verbose orgasm, it's a truly grisly prospect.

Instead of Scrooge, we have a brat who remembers not to hate her mother once a year thanks to Boots. Thank God we have private-equity owned multinationals to tell us what, how and when to feel.

• Read the original Boots advert entry


Vodafone ice-skating advert

There was at least something going on in the initial Martin Freeman Vodafone adverts. Some semblance of the everyman character Freeman always portrays, railing against the inanity of modern telecommunications contracts and clumsily romancing a young lady through the medium of data-allowance banter.

In some respects it was, I guess, vaguely relatable and not completely obnoxious. But like a mince pie discovered at the bottom of a bread-bin long after Christmas is over and done with, this series seems stale, over-familiar and thoroughly unwanted.

The repetition is one thing, but this advert is possibly the least inspired 60 seconds that has ever had the misfortune of being committed to a memory card. Not even a regional disc jockey could find this amusing; not even Freeman's wife could muster an iota of respect for him going through with it; surely even his young children must openly despise him for what he's done. Benedict Cumberbatch will surely slap him right across his oh-so-rich-now face when next they meet.

Freeman strikes me as one of the least annoying celebrities on the overexposure circuit (cf. Lauren Laverne, Ben Wishaw, Olivia Coleman) but this utterly uninspired advert - what's it even about? something about no coverage, then he goes ice-skating? - is so bereft of even the most infinitesimal iota of inspiration that it's basically an insult to the very idea of advertising, storytelling or Torvill & Dean.


That fucking dilly dilly Budweiser advert

This one is pure concentrated evil. It’s for Bud Light, a drink only MAGA-hat wearers actually imbibe, once everyone else has grown out of drinking this sugary piss at the age of 14.

The ‘makes stuff turn into product’ idea has, of course, been mined by Skittles for years now so it seems odd to lift the idea. And not just the general concept. Even the theme of this superpower being akin to some sort of curse to be endured is repeated wholesale here, just in a way that isn’t remotely funny.

And then ‘dilly dilly’: a sort of medieval ‘Wasaaaaaaaap!’ for genuine morons to rally around - whether ironically or not - when they meet in the sort of IKEA-fitted bars that actually serve shite like Bud Light, to bring together their few, meagre sugar-soaked brain cells and talk shit about sport, cars and how Brexit would be going alright if it only they’d put Boris in charge.


Oral B advert

On the face of it there's nothing of the nuclear-level awfulness to compare with the rest of this list in this Oral B advert. There's a couple of very gratuitous shots of the actress' bum and of her jiggling about a bit - and yes there's the usual simpering smugness that goes with toothpaste adverts. But next to Diet Coke, Boots or Halifax? No, simply not in the same league.

That's until you get to the line 'I didn't even know Oral B made a toothpaste'. And it's hard to pinpoint exactly why this is so aggravating. Perhaps i's the fact that everyone knows Oral B makes toothpaste and the rank disingenuousness of pretending anyone in the mind might not know.

What, exactly, are Oral B known for, if not for toothpaste? Pizza? Price-comparison services? Over-50s life insurance? And what, exactly, does the name Oral B suggest beyond dental hygiene? No, don't answer that.

Perhaps what's so annoying is that truly no-one on this planet gives a fuck whether Oral B do make toothpaste or not, nor does anyone care what Oral B get up to. They can shove toothpaste up their arses for all I care - and for all I know, they do.


Sun Bingo Advert

If fairness the couplet 'got fake tits? / but are you gonna bingo'? is perhaps the most on-point bit of work ever seen in an advert. And what an advert it is. It's worth bearing in mind that this is an advert for playing online bingo - on your own, in your bedroom on a fucking mobile phone - on The Sun's website. The tragedy of that mental image.

Sun. Bingo. Is it hard to imagine a more disastrous confluence than those two words? Chernobyl McDonalds? Jacob Rees-Trump? Piers Morgan? An appalling meeting of minds between the mindless: a profoundly, proudly stupid newspaper publishing content halfway between The Beano, Pornhub and Mein Kampf; a pastime that requires the mental faculties of a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

To be fair, as a proud Northerner, I don't really have a problem with bingo. It's that S** bit. Stick that word in front in front of anything and it conjures up a Coldwar Steve world of terrifying awfulness.

Sun Orgasm. Sun Holidays. Sun Heaven. See? Even if you can't really discern what they might involve you just know it will be awful: a warm-lager, faded-seaside, racist-by-instinct, smartphone-nudes, fast-food, homophobic, GMTV, zero-hours, Primark version of anything you can imagine - with a guffawing cockney soundtrack.


Amazon Christmas advert

I don't know why Amazon don't simply have a video of Jeff Bezos touring around the third world torching everything organic he comes across with a flamethrower. That's all I can see whenever I see a box with Amazon branding, or their horrorshow website - the very concept of a world based around buying crap for the sheer hell of it. 'Shit for cunts' as one meme I've spotted on the internet has it.

The fucking nerve of Amazon whitewashing the genuine hideousness of working in one of their George Orwell workhouses, where people piss themselves because they're so afraid of getting sacked for having a toilet break, genuinely beggars belief.

Still, so much of our concept of Christmas is based around Victoriana, so it makes sense that the pre-eminent business of our time is merrily bringing back working conditions that could only be described as Dickensian. If that doesn't make you feel genuinely upset and a little bit frightened then I'm worried for you.

Maybe that's just life in the Broken Britain of 2018 - but pretending that Amazon warehouses are some sort of winter wonderland is the most grotesque dishonesty I've seen in Adland this year.


Diet Coke advert - Yurt and athleisure

"If you want a Diet Coke, have a Diet Coke."

That's it? That's the pay-off to this sequence of dissonant Millennial brain-shart? Is this what William Shakespeare died for? Is that what a medium-sized Colombian cocaine-harvest produced? 'Have a Diet Coke - because you can'?

In this Diet Coke advert, filled with meaningless, unconnected phrases that still manage to come off as deeply affected and hatefully hip, what appears to be a similar dynamic has birthed perhaps the most obnoxiously dumb 30 seconds in existence.

More nauseating than Trump boasting of grabbing women by their parts; more smug than Piers Morgan announcing he has won the Euromillions rollover; more thoroughly awful than Nigel Farage laughing while doing a shit in your bath, the Diet Coke advert is a Soho/Manhattan nightmare of vacant stupidity that literally has no meaning. You are trapped in it and there is no escape.

• Read the original Diet Coke Yurt advert


Vote for the worst advert of 2018

25Nov/172

Best and Worst Christmas Adverts 2017

So, it's the Christmas adverts 2017. Christmas isn't Christmas without your very own Christmas hashtag is it? I mean, a hashtag really is the true meaning of Christmas and if your advert doesn't have one you're the equivalent of one of those fictional councils that has banned Christmas.

I've copied below the titles that the various brands and companies came up with themselves and while you can see more keyword stuffing than a Christmas turkey, you'll probably notice that most have their very own Christmas Hashtag. "Hashtag Aww".

honey g christmas adverts 2017

You know what else Christmas is all about? Value. Like politicians addicted to promising to make the lives of 'hardworking families' slightly less shit than last year, brands have become utterly obsessed with offering 'value', by which they mean 'cheap', by which they mean 'shit'.

That's something references in plenty of these Christmas adverts below - from the V-flicking of Lidl to the orgy of badness seen in the advert for peacocks, which is responsible for a whole new alphabet to categorise just how far down the celebrity rung the ad's stars are.

Compare these adverts to the Christmas adverts of a few years ago and the lack of celebrities is startling, as if the Brexit-hungry population might associate people who are not Norms as elite, and therefore hate them. In the place? Black, asian and gay people by the bucketload, thereby replacing celebrities as the hate-filled lightning rod for fruitcakes, saddos and bastards.

christmas adverts 2017

But usually it's the same old stuff: Christmas lights, tables groaning under platters, snow, CGI animals and multicultural parties in a non-threatening commuter town.

They're not all bad. Granted some of them made me bleed from various orifices, but it's just about possible to watch most of these adverts without devolving into a pile of fats and proteins.

Vote for your favourite, tell me about your most-hated - or simply go and hurl a brick through the window of a drive-thru. Whatever gets you through the festive period basically.

Me? I'm off to Soho with a my boomstick and a chainsaw attached to the bloody stump where my arm used to be. I wish you a Groovy Christmas!

Christmas advert 2017

John Lewis Christmas Advert - #MozTheMonster

They say: Joe befriends a noisy Monster under his bed but the two have so much fun together that he can't get to sleep, leaving him tired by day. For Christmas Joe receives a gift to help him finally get a good night’s sleep.

I say: I'm as immune to the supposed charms of anthropomorphised Christmas CGI so beloved of John Lewis as they are to my complaining about them. Suffice it to say that they needed to explain their advert, which either suggests an overcomplicated advert or a very stupid target audience.

Turkey, Every Which Way | Tesco Christmas Advert

They say: Every family has a different turkey tale… However you cook yours - from barbecuing to basting - we’ve got a turkey for you.

I say: The hashtag for this Tesco Christmas advert is, of course, #EveryonesWelcome. "Fuck that," said the internet in response, "the Muslamics aren't fucking welcome!" Tidings of comfort and joy and all that, eh?

So, two things here: I actually laughed out loud at the terse "Have you been basting it, Caroline?" that rings so true of Christmas Day tension exchanges.

Also I like it because it features a gay couple, black people and an Asian family celebrating Christmas. And if you have a problem with that I have a Christmas message for you: fuck you, you're a cunt.

Best Christmas Ever | Asda Christmas Advert 2017 – Full Version

They say: Step inside the Asda Christmas Imaginarium to discover the magic behind everything we’ve created, so you can have the #BestChristmasEver

I Say: I like the look of this and the setting, Manchester's beautiful Victoria Baths. There's almost a bit of a Wes Anderson feel to bits of it. The idea is quite nice, featuring plenty of Borrower-style creatures making all of Asda's foodstuffs, though you get the feeling it would be rather more honest if it features a load of Polish agricultural workers and various non-whites working for $3 a day.

Sainsbury's OFFICIAL Christmas Advert 2017 #everybitofChristmas

They say: The 2017 Sainsbury's Christmas advert squeezes every bit of Christmas into a wonderfully fun and festive song, sung by people all over Britain.

I say: I'm afraid I couldn't watch this advert for more than five or six seconds, though I did have enough time to glean that Sainsbury's is sticking to its cretinous food dancing theme, a running background chatter only slightly less appalling and moronic that Donald Trump's Twitter account.

Aldi Christmas Advert ft. Kevin The Carrot 2017

They say: Kevin the Carrot is back this Christmas and he’s met someone special. Join him in his adventure across the dinner table and see all of the delicious festive food we have on offer this year.

I say: I guess if you throw some snow and a groaning table-full of festive fare into a £5m ad campaign it doesn't really matter what else you do, so once again we have a carrot in peril from Aldi. I hope he gets grated or pureed - and his green tops turned into pesto -before next Christmas.

Marks & Spencer Christmas TV Ad 2017 | Paddington & The Christmas Visitor #LoveTheBear

They say: We can now reveal our Christmas advert - the tale of true Christmas spirit - with our favourite Paddington Bear

I say: There's more cash been spunked on this than fake snow and none of it really aligns in any way with Marksies. Still, it's hitting M&S customers - moneyed people frightened by change - right in the demographics.

Amazon Christmas Advert 2017 - 'Give' 60"

They say: See what happens when hundreds of Amazon boxes go on a magical journey, to send a smile this Christmas all whilst singing Roger Hodgson's anthem “Give a Little Bit.”

I say: Top-notch soundtrack, though needless to say it's completely ruined by non-singing people singing it, as is the fashion these days. And if those parcels knew they'd be slung over your back gate and left out in the rain they wouldn't be quite so chuffed.

Christmas List - Morrisons Christmas Advert 2017

They say: Our Christmas adverts tell the story of three families and highlight the skills of our foodmakers and shopkeepers.

I say: I can't find it in my heart to dislike Morrisons, who always seem to at least pay lip service to some of the more wholesome messages of Christmas - bonus points for the continuing voiceovers of Paul Copley too. If you want to be in a bad mood for a month take a look at the comments on this ad, which has the gall to feature a person who is Not White.

Very.co.uk Christmas Advert 2017 - Get More Out of Giving

They say: Follow the story of our big-hearted little girl as she spreads festive cheer by giving pink-wrapped gifts. Our heroine is accompanied by Ulfie, her much-loved toy wolf.

I Say: What happens if you cross The Snowman with The Box Of Delights - and add a touch of Stranger Things? This ad for Very.co.uk.

Bring Merry Back - House of Fraser Christmas Advert 2017

They say: this year, we’re recapturing that Christmas magic in our new advert with a much-needed trip down memory lane. Complete with paper chains, stick-on Santa beards and some quality family time, watch as two sisters fall back into their younger selves, reminded of the joy that Christmas can bring.

I say: House Of Fraser tracks down the very last Christmas song left unraped by advertising (though it's not a very good one) and shows us the lifetimes of two sisters through a Christmas filter.

Boots Christmas | TV Advert 2017 | #ShowThemYouKnowThem

They say: This Christmas, it’s all about the thought. It’s about old memories and the new ones you’re yet to make. It’s about the secrets you’ve shared and the laughs you won’t forget. Most of all, it’s about finding the perfect gift to really show them you know them.

I say: Ooh, two sisters. This is awkward. Like when you turn up to a party and you're wearing the same dress as That Woman You Hate. Especially when you're a man. But I can never find it in my heart to dislike Boots adverts, which at least try to get somewhere close to depictions of real life in their Christmas adverts. Great soundtrack too.

TK Maxx ‘A White Christmas’ Advert 2017

They say: Yes, we’re actually doing this. You can get a White Christmas. To your door. For absolutely nothing.

I say: A lorry turning up to ejaculate snow all over your house is so on-brand for TK Maxx it's ridiculous.

Waitrose Christmas TV Ad 2017 | #ChristmasTogether

Christmas is the perfect time of year to gather round and enjoy delicious food but, most importantly, to spend #ChristmasTogether

I say: The awful silence, the looks heavy with significance, the open hostility. Are the people snowed in at the Tan Hill Inn - Britain's highest pub - going to... kill and eat their rescuers?

Argos Christmas TV ad 2017 - #ReadyForTakeOff

They say: Our Christmas ad is #ReadyForTakeOff! Watch our elf race through the snow to make sure no-one is disappointed this festive season.

I say: Argos warehouse workers get paid £7.71 at the time of writing - that's 21p per hour more than the minimum wage. And it's that extra half-bob that ensures Argos workers go that extra mile to deliver a toy robot dog to your house on Christmas Eve.

Creating Value in Every Moment - Matalan Christmas Advert 2017

They say: Christmas – it’s magical, fun and super-busy all at the same time! Find the value in every festive moment with us… #MatalanMoment
*An on-set vet was present to supervise Dodger the dog for the filming of our advert.

I say: 'Value' is a much abused word in this day and age - it should mean the worth, the desirability or merit we place in something. Instead it's usually a euphemism for cheap and the drive for 'value' has led to a race to the bottom in this country. Result? Cheap, tacky crap and cheap, bad food. I'll let you decide which definition of Matalan is going for here and which you most associate with the brand.

Beautifully Normal - Lidl's Global Christmas Advert

They say: Clichés don't make Christmas, it's the moments that do.

What I say: A nice effort at subverting the Christmas schmaltz and spitting in the face of the rest of the pack but have you heard this fucking music? Nothing says Christmas like a vocoder-ed R'n'B semi-rap in a transatlantic accent eh?

Barbour Christmas Ad 2017 - The Snowman and The Snowdog

They say:This #BarbourChristmas, the story of The Snowman and The Snowdog continues with the next chapter in their story. When snow starts to fall on Christmas Eve, magic can happen...

I say: Who could find it in their heart to hate something that references something so beautiful, British-ly festive? And I wouldn't begrudge Raymond Briggs a nice little Christmas windfall. Still, hijacking The Snowman with advertising is rather like tattooing SKY BET across David Attenborough's face.

Sky Cinema Christmas Advert 2017

They say: Our Christmas adverts tell the story of three families and highlight the skills of our foodmakers and shopkeepers.

I say: I hate Sky. I hate the way they monopolise sport and films, I hate the associations with The Sun and the Murdochs and I hate the way they charge you so much for something and then stick adverts in the middle. And I hate the fucking Sound Of Music.

The tagline to this ad - nothing brings people together like a movie at Christmas always reminds me of a brilliant retort to a similar claim in an advert of yesteryear.

"Nothing gets a party started like Ferrero Rocher," went the ad.

"Mmm, ecstasy does," replied my chum to many chortles.

#YouShall Find Your Fairytale Christmas | Debenhams Christmas TV Ad 2017

They say: Our Debenhams Christmas TV advert 2017 is revealed...will they find their fairytale Christmas? #YouShall

I say: Debenhams seems destined to be always the bridesmaid and never the bride when it comes to Christmas adverts. In fact it's not even the bridesmaid - it's the woman from university who was somehow part of the friendship group even though she never fitted in and was invited only on sufferance. However lots of racists have been whining about it on the basis that there's a mixed-race couple in it (and yes that is Ewan McGregor up a ladder) so it gets a pass from me.

Vodafone Christmas Love Story. Part 1: Love on the Platform

They say: There’s magic in the air when Martin meets a young lady who’s using her Vodafone Video pass to stream It’s a Wonderful Life, on the way home for Christmas. Watch as he hilariously bundles from a Jimmy Stewart impression to an ill-advised sermon on data usage in part one of our Christmas love story.

I say: Love On The Platform sounds like a DVD by Ben Dover, a grimy Carry On film of a man with a back catalogue of back-alley sex compilations: car-parks in Scunthorpe; garages in Poole; sewage works in Luton and the like.

Martin Freeman is still miles away from overexposure and there's something reassuring about his everyman awkwardness but an ad campaign for a telecommunications company - somewhere between Inland Revenue and dentists on my list of 'people I like having appointments with' - might test it sorely.

Littlewoods Christmas 40" Advert 2017 - Own it!

They say: Step into December with Littlewoods this year as we help you own every magical Christmas moment you have planned in your calendar. From putting up festive Santa decorations with your loved ones, to making sure you can create and capture your perfect Christmas Day filled with love and perfect gifts, we’ll help you own every moment - with a bit of extra sparkle and glitter.

I say: As a tagline 'own it' seems a bit rich from Littlewoods, whose USP seems to be that you don't really own anything for several months, or even years, after you start paying for it. Putting Christmas on tick may not be particularly festive but it seems fairly par for the course in 2017. If that golf course is about to go bankrupt, anyway.

Geoffrey the Part Time Reindeer Toys R Us UK 2017

They say: Once upon a time, there was a giraffe called Geoffrey who ran a beautiful Toys 'R' Us store. It was Christmas Eve and Geoffrey was waiting for someone very special.

I say: If I were Toys R Us I'd just show the same faded, fuzzy advert from the 80s rather than this halfway 'have-your-cake-and-eat-it' house that drags Geoffrey into a charmless CGI Pixar update, like a colourised Laurel & Hardy film or After Effects-ed celeb face into a gangbang.

Merry Techmas | LG | Currys PC World

They say: At Currys PC world, our colleagues try out our products to give you the best advice. Looking to upgrade your TV this Christmas? The LG OLED 4k ready HD TV with Perfect Black and Perfect Colour gives outstanding picture quality.

I say: Merry Techmas everyone! A heartwarming tale of how a family laughs at the idea of sitting around a fire having a conversation with one another and instead offers a hi-tech television with 'perfect black'. Makes the heart positively melt, like a Nazi's face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

JD TV AD 2017: Undisputed Christmas

They say: Back and better than ever, have yourself an Undisputed Christmas this year, with our action packed TV Ad, featuring exclusives from Nike, adidas, The North Face, Ellesse, Under Armour and many more.

I say: Nothing says Christmas more than a bunch of happy slapping youths throwing punches at your grid.

TalkTalk: This is Christmas

They say: Here it is, our 2017 Christmas ad. Whether you're after an Oscar for your 'I *really* love my new socks' performance or cosying down in front of the telly, our TalkTalk family have shown us just how much being connected to loved ones matters.

I say: Apparently this is TalkTalk's Christmas advert but every time I catch in on telly I've been convinced it's the latest instalment of THIS IS ENGLAND.

Carrot Stick | Christmas | Brand | TV Ad | McDonald's UK

They say: McDonald's 2017 Christmas ad is here. Time for everyone to get #ReindeerReady

I say: The idea that any McDonald's outlet has anything approaching raw, unadulterated vegetables on it premises just seems laughable. And the idea of A Christmas McDonald's advert seems as dissonant as replacing communion wine with a Jaegerbomb.

Peacocks Christmas Advert 2017 | #XMASFACTOR

Reader comment says: Oh my god honey G Is my idol I am now training to be her and am scheduled for plastic surgery in 3 days

I say: A chemical toilet of an advert featuring X-Factor rejects who would have been burned at the stake 300 years ago.

Gogglebox Meets Coca-Cola's “Holidays Are Coming” 2017

They say: See the families of Channel 4's Gogglebox reacting to Coca-Cola's iconic Holidays Are Coming ad, that has been gracing the nation’s screens for 22 years!

I say: I love Gogglebox and what works is that the people are honest, genuine and generally likeable. All of which is, of course, destroyed by throwing them into an advert and paying them to overreact to the approach of a truck carrying sugary drinks. Like co-opting a benevolent old man who gives you presents at Christmas into a Coke-wielding American brand mascot.

Vote for your favourite Christmas adverts 2017

Favourites? You tell me. I'll take is as read the answer 'none of the above' will feature.

Christmas adverts of old

Refresh your memories of the best and worst Christmas adverts – sob pitifully at advertising or enrage yourself to vein-throbbing standards – of previous years.

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2016

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2015

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2014

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2013

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2012

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2011