AdTurds' Google Analytics account continues to shine a light into the murkiest corners of readers' minds, so this month I stripped out most of the horrible stuff an included some new trends, stuff that simply made me laugh and some plain weird shit.
Whether or not Jacamo is actually designed for fat men, readers seem to have made up their minds. 31 queries for 'jacamo is for fat bastards' seem to indicate that the debate is over.
Elsewhere lots of people have been typing Jenson Button's bizarre dandruff soliloquy, presumably to find out what the hell he's on about, while the Gillette Fusion Proglide Challenge is, it's fair to say, really getting on people's tits.
Lots of people have bee searching for things relating to Cheryl Baker and Carey Mulligan; things that I most certainly can't furnish them with, though I'm sure there are plenty of places where 'fat lesbians fisting' can be discovered on the world wide web - and probably even 'penis loathing film' come to that, though even the internet might shrug at 'delicious turd cock'.
'Paul Whitehouse what the fuck' is probably something a lot of people have been asking of his Aviva ads the last couple of years, including Paul Whitehouse; Stephen Merchant seems to have had his stock reduced by his own set of annoying adverts (viz 'Stephen Merchant should fuck off and die'); and, as it goes, Nannette Newman is so sexy.
'The Redknapps on holiday' seems to suggest some sort of appalling reality TV show or sitcom coming to Sky 2 very soon.
'Every time i read newspaper the same toothpaste advert plays in background' suggests some sort of problem not even the internet can help with, but I'd be interested to know which brand of toothpaste.
The most worrying phrase this month is almost certainly 'people shitting in chocolate cadburys world'. That sounds like something Roald Dahl might have written in one of his 'Tales From the Unexpected' funks rather than great glass elevator moments.
What I do find interesting is the questions people demand of search engine. The identity of an extra in one ad, the shoes another is wearing, what a character in the Halifax ad is eating. Does anyone, anyone on the face of the planet know the answer to some of these?
My favourite this month? 'what a horrible kid in the vision express ad' - I've not seen the ad in question but I'll be scanning the ad breaks like a hawk from now on.
Finally, one that is actually related to ads, perhaps the motherload of all current shit ads. It kind says it all.
'why can't they bloody bury that go compare advert it's the most annoying advert on the television'.
Hate - Confused.com, Louise Rednknapp, 118 118, Lloyds TSB, Match.com, Go Compare, Halifax
Shit - 118 118, Citroen, Match.com, Pepsi Max
Awful - Fusion Proglide, Cash For Gold, Head and Shoulders, Pepsi, Confused.com, Direct Line, Galaxy
Terrible - 118 118, Spotify, Aviva, Confused.com, Direct Line, Gillette Fusion Proglide
Fuck - Confused.com, BT
Cunt - BT, Confused.com, Gillette Fusion Proglide, Gio Compario, Halifax
Tits - Chetyl Baker and Cara Confused duking it out here
July 2011 AdTurds keywords
jacamo is for fat bastards - 31 examples
"wow it's bracing"
confused.com advert ofsted complaints
gillette fusion proglide advert twat
racing spacing wow its bracing
are just for men commercials deliberately stupid
bank ad campaign: students are wankers
big titted confused.com advert
boots adverts make women look stupid
caneston thrush advert at dinner time
carey mulligan masturbating
cheryl baker sausage
confused.com advert music played at gitmo
cunt from gillette advert
delicious turd cock
every time i read newspaper the same toothpaste advert plays in background
fat lesbians fisting
is there a bigger cunt on tv than the twat in the gillette pro-glide ad
nanette newman so sexy
neville wanless and roger mellie
obnoxious pregnant women
oops-stars.com cheryl baker nipples
paul whitehouse what the fuck
penis loathing film
people shitting in chocolate cadburys world
sainsbury's tomatoes are rubbish
stephen merchant should fuck off and die
stupid little twat from the morrisons advert
suck germaine greer
the people doing cadbury commercials are on some of that good shit
the redknapps on holiday
the sky cricket commentry team are annoying
ugly people in tesco
wanna see the womans tits in the lynx advert
what a horrible kid in the vision express ad
what car does emile heskey have - probably not a Fiat Stilo
what shoes does the man from barclays advert wear?
what the hell is that girl eating in the hsbc advert
whats the deal with that fucking gillette advert?
who is the punk neighbour on the we buy any car advert 2011?
why can't they bloody bury that go compare advert it's the most annoying advert on the television
Let's get this straight. If a man who only exists in a regional radio station drivetime slot – probably nursing an unnecessarily chirpy disposition, raging speed habit and unhealthy interest in young, female interns – bursts into a changing room with a whoop, calls me buddy and starts paying a dubious interest in my semi-naked torso it's probably going to be the worst for him.
Not that anyone ever stands, stripped to the waist, in any public changing rooms having a shave; but if that were to happen the chances are that if an annoying little twerp surprises someone in a vulnerable position and gets a bit close, the person on the receiving end of his attention is probably anticipating at best a mugging and worst a burglary of an entirely different kind. This advert is actually called Invasion, so who knows where it could end up.
Gillette says that these are all real people, yet there are British, French, German, American and Irish ads that often appear to take place in the same venue. This raises a number of interesting questions, namely just how ordinary are these ordinary men off the street?
If they are indeed average Joes then how exactly does Gillette manage to attract men to the same venue to stand around in the nip having wet shaves in deserted changing rooms? Troubling questions.
And just why does every ad start with an idiotic whoop? Since when has it been a good idea to interrupt someone with a loud whoop and door slam while they're drawing a sharp blade across their throat?
"Whooooooo! Hello bud-... Oh my God. He's bleeding! BLEEDING! Get help! Whoooooo! It's the Fusion Proglide Challenge! Tug and pull... tug and pull... Whoooooo!"