AdTurds Bad Adverts – Badverts

30Mar/160

Go Compare Cabbie Advert: Very Not Fantastic

go compare taxi advert fantastic

Incredibly in this new Go Compare advert, the price-comparison company has managed to make the nation yell 'OH STFU YOU UTTERLY DREADFUL MAN' at the television whenever it hits the screens - and it's not directed at Gio Compario.

This London cabbie - a cross between pud-loving spanking fan and 'ingredients expert' Greg Wallace, and weird former Sun editor David Yelland - blurts out a barely-comprehensible cockernee spiel about how 'fantastic' it would be if utterly humdrum and depressing online mortgage calculators existed. Which they do and have done for years.

But it's more than that. It's the way he repeats 'fantastic' in a way that's akin to an attempt to condition the audience to think that anything to do with Go Compare is automatically amazing. Were he to have repeated 'necessity at best' or 'depressing reality of modern life' I'd've had more respect. I wonder how many times the actor playing the cabbie had to say 'fantastic' and look delighted in the filming of the advert. And how many times he said it before he wished he was dead.

Go compare advert taxi cabbie

NOT FANTASTIC. NOT FANTASTIC AT ALL.

And the way he speaks, for God's sake. I mean, I know that these luvaduck cor-blimey UKIP-and-fry-up people probably exist, but do we really need them spewing their elongated vowels all over the telly? How is it possible to use 45 syllables in pronouncing the word 'calculator' (kaw-queue-lay-ar)?

Why the beatific gurgling noise, as if he's discharging his dreadful cabbie semen over a Page 3 girl, when he spots Gio in his cab? Why the almost insane glee at a man listing the facilities on a price-comparison website that everyone is well aware of? Why isn't he complaining about immigrants while picking a sausage buttie out of a crevice in his teeth?

This advert is not fantastic. Go Compare is not fantastic. Gio Compario is not fantastic. I hope Uber puts the bastard out of business. That would be fantastic.

15Mar/167

March’s Worst Adverts

M+Ms advert

What a strange time for awful adverts. I can only assume it's something to do with the Conservative government. March doesn't just herald the arrival of adverts that are truly appalling - the sort that you only have to see once to recognise its hideousness - in the shape of the Admiral advert, but enduring efforts such as the Just Eat advert, Go Compare advert and Big Bad Wolf Moneysupermarket ad - or even commercials back from the dead, such as the M&Ms 'I could really use a snack' advert, arse-wipe Andrex effort and Travelodge muppets spot.

All are currently making people hurl their remote controls, pets or even spouses across the room in the vague direction of the television. An ad break that featured all of the ads mentioned above might just lead to the sort of outbreak of spontaneous mass violence that JG Ballard would have written off as too horrible to contemplate.

I don't think I've ever seen such a confluence of truly terrible adverts. As a result I've been forced into a kind of mini Worst Advert of the Year poll, a bit like an Treasury Autumn Statement. Choose your most hated ad with care - you only get one vote. I understand that's a bit like having Piers Morgan, Michael Gove and Louise Mensch in the same room and only being able to throw rotten tomatoes at one of them, but there you go.

If you must - and you can bear to put yourself through it - you can remind yourself of the horror of it all below. Just be warned - watching all of them in one go could turn you into hermit crabs.

Andrex advert

A hideous confluence of sickly kid cutesiness and someone asking you how you feel when you wipe your arse.

MoneySupermarket Big Bad Wolf advert

More omnipresent than Olivia Coleman and more awful than The One Show.

M&Ms advert

Containing the most hideous phrase you can possibly see on television right now, apart from anything that comes out of Donald Trump's mouth: "I could really use a snack."

Just Eat adverts

The Just Eat advert is less of an earworm and more of an earparasite. Don't expect to be free of it any time soon.

Travelodge advert

Jim Henson's gift to the world, hijacked in this unlovely evocation of business-trip misery.

Admiral advert

Frankly a misfire that is astonishing even for advertising. The Admiral advert is an absolute horrorshow of what happens when something goes wrong and no-one can stop it happening.

Go Compare advert

It's clear now that we will never be free of Gio Compario - just like you're never really free of sensitive skin, bad knees or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

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