These horrible children's voices Haribo adverts are two of the most profoundly disturbing things I've ever seen.
The hideous glee in the actors' faces, the juxtaposition of adult with child and all its terrible ramifications and the sheer saccharine gak of the whole affair.
I have a big problem with using children in adverts, I don't really see how there's any reasonable objection to this perspective. Using children to assist in your attempts to get more money out of people strikes me as fundamentally objectionable and rather grubby.
There's something oozingly, hazily and sickeningly wrong about this. It's hard to put in words - and I didn't need to tell you why. You just know that, one some level, there's something wrong here. Something awful.
Grown-up people should not eat Haribo - this is all the evidence you need. It's infantile, infantilising and just so remarkably wrong and if you don't stop this is what happens.
Seriously, who thought these Haribo adverts are a good idea? Who dreamed it up and, more to the point, have they had an intensive course of counselling? And do they rub their hands, like Lady Macbeth, in an effort to cleanse themselves of the terrible crime they have committed?
This stuff, right here, is why I couldn't be an actor. I simply couldn't **** it up to this degree without sitting in darkness for a long time thinking about what I'd done. I don't blame the actors in question - they're only making living - but this is basically the acting equivalent of making someone lick your shoes.
These Haribo... things are not simply terrible adverts, they're just horrid creations that have no place in any kinda of sane or decent world. Though, handily, they provide a perfect example of what Haribo amounts to: infantilising bullshit.
I seem to watch less and television these days, so material seems thinner on the ground. Rest assured I remain a frothing lunatic, sitting powerless in front the of the idiot-box at regular intervals, however.
Here's this month's equivalent of going to sleep alone in the bodily fluids you just shamefully emitted in search of a listless orgasm.
Prepare for your brain to start actually atrophying, rotting and farting vile putrescence as your very synapses turn into liquid Haribo, courtesy of Jeff Stelling and his moronic court of yapping jesters spouting endless bullshit about nonsense that doesn't matter while the world burns.
Boots Number 7
Very little about this advert annoys me. That is, until we get to the last second or so when we get the Boots-patented "Number 7 - Ta Dah!" jingle. I would not have thought it possible that such a meaningless noise - beyond the McDonalds whistle - could enrage me so much, but there it is. The only solace I can find is in the hope that the actor responsible had to do thousands of takes on Ta-Dah! before the idiot-beards in the booth let her collect her fee, like Toast.
Anyway, ad from earlier in the year below. Jingle has remained the same - and probably will forever.
Oak Furniture Land
Oak Furniture Land is, I'm guessing, one of the least exciting lands you could end up in. The way it sounds vaguely like a magical realm - albeit where the only thing of note is that things are made of a particular wood - surely lures in the unsuspecting and the gullible, drawing them into a retail park outside Runcorn that stands as a testament to the fact that - as a race - we've fucked it up.
There are a few things that are superficially annoying about this advert, none of which really warrant a lexical spitroasting. It's the fact that it's been omnipresent on my television - the channels I watch, anyway - for most of the Summer. It's as if August is the time to bulk-buy oak: much as Xmas is the time for perfume and toys; Summer, bikinis; Valentine's Day, johnnies and dildos.
So insistently annoying I've kicked several saplings to death in the last four weeks.
If you have a bathroom like an aircraft hangar, you too can croon weirdly to your significant other while the wash their bits. I have a genuine phobia of people singing at me - it weirds me out like nothing else: a mixture of trite, naff and unhinged. That might be why I dislike this advert so much - along with that odd 'singing-over-a-backing-track' thing that's going on here and several other adverts recently.
To quote Tim Bisley: "Fucking... plum!
Vote - August's Worst Ad
Tell me which you hate the most - or add your own suggestion.