Another month, another deluge of funny, weird, sexy and scary keywords that AdTurds readers have been typing into their search engines.
The one in the title - Fuck off I'm not talking to rice Uncle Ben - tickled me, but the following one also elicited a giggle too:
does the vw advert really say wouldn't it be nice if we were rover?
It isn't, of course, but the idea of it amused me. I doubt if any car manufacturer in the last 20 years would envy Rover, but the notion of VW putting subliminal messages into its ads, such peculiar ones at that, is an intriguing one.
Elsewhere the guy on the far left of the Halifax choir is upsetting readers - several readers have been upset by him. I've not seen him yet, but I imagine there's already a Facebook page that exists simply to disparage him. He'll probably be making an appearance on here soon, as I suspect I'm going to loathe Halifax's new ads even more than the old ones in the long run.
Paul Whitehouse, Stephen Merchant, Cheryl Baker and Louise Rednknapp were in the firing line this month - I particularly liked 'freddie flintoff morrisons fucking idiot' though.
Already the shortlist for the worst adverts of 2011 article is forming. And what a shitty shortlist it's shaping up to be.
AdTurds October 2011 keywords
oh the hatred i feel for the halifax adverts cannot be put into words - 11 separate instances. I find this hard to believe, but surely Google can't be wrong? According to the Big G 11 different people typed this phrase into their search engine and navigated here
go compare "fuck off" - 9 separate instances
confused.com fat black woman - 8 separate instances
stephen merchant is a c*nt - 4 separate instances
anyone else hate that guy in the loreal commercial? - 3 separate instances
fathers made to look stupid - 3 separate instances
fuck off halifax you c*nts! - 3 separate instances
fathers made to look stupid - 3 separate instances, see more on the stupid dad meme
gillette fusion proglide challenge guy is a twat - 3 separate instances
stephen merchant what a fuckin wanker - 3 separate instances
colmans advert disgusting cow - 2 separate instances
fuck off i'm not talking to rice uncle ben
what is the new muller advert about? - not yoghurt, I don't think
"patula" kid can fuck off
...... the confused.com woman keeps pulling stuff out her vadge! seriously.
advert where woman leaves her poop on the table - genuinely don't know what this ad is - anyone?
adverts with bums
adverts with gordon brown
are the 2 girls in the maltesers ad with boyfriends asleep sisters?
are the haribo family a real family
bmw she's a cunt commercial - sounds like a bold new ad strategy for BMW
bt advert - where is the bt womans baby? - good question
can i fuck danni minogue for cash?
chummy mums love fucking
colmans new advert gravy creepy
colmans gravy advert needs to fucking stop
colmans advert for beef gravy is horrible
confused.com advert aimed at homosexuals
creepy wonga adverts
do gay people object to the malteasers ad
does anyone else refuse to use go compare simply because they hate the adverts?
does anyone hate the fat fucker from the jacamo advert?
does the vw advert really say wouldn't it be nice if we were rover?
freddie flintoff morrisons fucking idiot
gillette fusion commercial voice over fuck buddy
girl shitting herself outside the palace in halifax
guy on the far left of halifax ad
halifax advert choir bottom left man annoying
halifax advert stupid bloke in choir
halifax adverts make me sick
halifax choir cunts
horrible awful weird money supermarket tv ad gorilla terrible
i hate the new coffee advert don't want to see people fucking on my tv
ive shagged cheryl baker
martine mccutcheons huge fat bum
mignon morceaux phileas fogg m&s - I remember these fried snacks fondly
muller advert what the fuck?
paul masson maaaaaa
pepsi twist lime urinating analysis - great ad
professional women has a poop accident in her panties
sky broadband is fucking shit crap bullshit stupid
tesco people who are ugly
throwing poo acid advert uk - I refuse to believe there's such an advert
torture tory bing commercial - ditto
volkswagen advert hitler think blue
what advert had a wig attacking people - dunno but I want to see it
what the hell is happening in the new muller advert
who are the 3 men in the eurostar advert - advert win!
who are the tossers in eurostar advert
eurostar ad with jarvis cocker, who are the other two?
who does horrible wouldn't it be nice cover on volkswagon advert
who is rod rammage?
who is that silly woman in the iceland ads?
who is the fat thing go compare
why cadbury caramel is better than cadbury crunchie
wispa death pussy images
Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.
I used to think this about advertisers - now I think it about my readers. Because if keyword queries are anything to go by I am indeed Travis Bickle, gazing out into the world at large and disgusted by what he sees. Sex. Shit. Sex and shit. Sex and shit adverts. Cheryl Baker's breasts.
Have I created a monster? Well, perhaps, but at least blogging gives them a lightning rod with which to work out their frustrations.
This month's keywords were saved, for me, by some amusing ones, mostly beginning with 'why?'. Why is Paul Merton so smug? Why is Gary Rhodes so weird? Why is Peter Kay rubbish? And - most importantly - why does the laughing cow drink her own milk? Valuable questions we need answers to.
My favourite one was the one in the title. Was it supposed to be 'died' instead of 'cried'? Has the man who invented the Wispa died? Or cried? Would either instance have been reported anywhere? It seems unlikely, but my interest's piqued.
Is there a man who works for Cadbury's whose job it is to devise new chocolate bars? Is the Wispa just a rip-off of the Aero? What would make such a chocolate inventor weep?
We're at the very limits of what even search engines can tell us here. As with the amount of queries that seem to start with a desperate 'why?'. We can never know, nor understand why. But, for the record, Shaun Williamson has had a hair transplant; Cheryl Baker hasn't been depressed and Shane Richie denies that he's wearing a wig.
June AdTurds keywords
jacamo is for fat bastards - 26 instances
natwest helpful banking fuck off - 11 instances
giant rotating negroid head - 6 instances
confused microphone minge
women stalking the camera en masse — post-feminist zombies lusting after a scarf - this is one of mine
"i like old movies" advert shit
"you wouldn't steal a" "fuck you, i would if i could"
advert with bad neck
advert with balloons all over the place
adverts for cancer
adverts on itv about cars and cats
andrew castle shit
anyone else hate the confused adverts
are the two women on the halifax advert lesbians and fancy each other? - certainly, to my mind
arsehole from hair advert
asda advert long haired guy talking about quiche
asian girl halifax advert yeah
bad features of the cadbury eyebrow
barry eastenders hair sean williamson transplant
bouncing pendulous boobs
bouncing tits cunts
boycott gocompare and confused.com cos of their adverts
can you buy creme eggs in december in england?
can you say shit in ads
carey mulligan pussy
cheryl baker boobs
cheryl baker getting fucked
cheryl baker milf
cheryl baker tits
confused.com ymca what the fuck cunts
cream egg pussy filler
davina mccall squeezing ass
dildo on the woman and then facking a women driver car insurance
do you see breasts in barclaycard rollercoaster advert - I feel sure it was someone's responsibility to airbrush out any offending nipples in this ad
fucked under the table secretly wife is there
garnier ultralift advert behind the scenes
go compare adverts compare these two fingers fatty
god only knows ruined by volkswagen
god only knows ruined by vw vans advert
has cheryl baker been depressed?
has shane ritchie got a wig?
has the voice of the panda of fox biscuit adverts changed
here comes the girls adverts horrible patronising
how is gender constructed in the cadbury milk tray advertisement
hsbc advert what the fuck is he cooking
i've been fucked by bray leino
ian wright carpetright advert - why would anyone want to see such a thing?
is brian big brother and cadbury monkey ad racist
is it true that the guy in the barlays was seen on a railway station and picked for the advert?
is that paul whitehouse real face
jacamo is for obese people
jack davenport big penis
jenny craig causing weird poop
lesbian halifax advert
ocean finance tv why does it exist
peter jones appears in advertisements suck dick
pillsbury dougboy jizzes all over
safe use smoked sausage dildo
sean pertwee i want you
sex and the erosion of shit
sex keywords used on twitter
the biggest pile of a girl 1 kg turds
the man who invented cadburys wispas has cried
twat in a ford ka
up your bingo fat bitches
website compares tits people vote on them - an opening for Confused.com?
what do you think of the jammy doger? i think it's a very arrogant biscuit - I'd love to hear the reasoning on this
whose is that bouncing tits in all the adverts
why is gary rhodes so weird?
why is paul merton such a smug knob?
why is peter kay so shit these days?
why would the laughing cow eat her own milk?
wow, pretty girl is shitting? surely pretty turd
yahoo caramel girls fucked roughly
halifax ad punch myself in the face
i hate that fucking creepy birdseye bear
Annoying - 121 - Spotify a runaway here; Barclays, Direct Line Line and 118 118 running up
Shit - 154 - All the usual suspects
Fuck - 71 - Natwest and Halifax
Hate - 40 - Louise Rednknapp, Betty Crocker, Confiused.com, GoCompare, Halifax, Barclays getting it here
Cunt - 25 - Jacamo ran away with this one