Kia's use of Sexy Zebras' (FFS)
Nouvelle Vague's cover of The Undertones Buzzcocks' Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't) in its new advert for the 2012 Cee'd earns it a spots in the Crimes Against Music files.
Are there really any people like Keith, Ian and Andy out there? Three Everyblokes? The FooterBlokes? Three inoffensive, unremarkable, unfunny SleeperBlokes who can't possibly be a duo in case people think they're gay?
I find this brand of pretend Footy Banter utterly tedious, lazy, vaguely patronising and so far away from reality that they may as well be talking chickens.
See them take the piss out of one another – great banter!. See them perform inept footy tricks – top banter! Look at them over-celebrating football results – amazing banter! See them argue about football – hilarious banter! See them make up meaningless formations – legendary banter!
Needless to say it's crushingly unfunny, like any advert featuring the 'lads going to the footy' meme, but by deciding to make Keith, Ian and Andy recognisable characters we're somehow supposed to empathise with and find amusing.
But there's absolutely no reason to. They're annoying and a faintly insulting shit-sitcom archetype of 'normal blokes' who bear no relation to real lives – or real car-buyers – whatsoever.
And creating characters that a re named after the letters that make up the manufacturer's name? Really? Why was this deemed a good idea? And can we see something similar with Jaguar Land Rover?
Apparently we can follow updates from the trio on Facebook– top banter! – and no doubt hear about the imaginary content of their pies and how they got lost but the Sportage's satnav got them back on track and maybe how Keith had to stop by the side of the road to have a wee but fell over.
They are as interesting as a photocopy of a picture of Jeffrey Archer and as believable as a Premiership footballer reading Anna Karenina.
I hope their Sportage takes them to a remote part of Northumberland in seach of St James' Park. I hope they pitch up at a remote farm, where they are rendered unconscious by a psychotic hermit. And then I hope that hermit welds Keith's anus to Ian's lips and stick Andy on the end so they can inflict their own dribbling shit on each other rather than the TV-watching population.
One of the things that's been annoying me recently is particular adverts on Spotify, the free music juke boxy things that's revolutionised the way people listen to their favourite albums over and over again.
Now, let's get this clear. I don't object to the concept. After all, I'm getting free access to
a number of tracks that presumably numbers in the hundreds of thousands – and I'm one of those people that gets uneasy over the prospect of people assuming they can have pretty much whatever they want for free.
Anyway, some ads are clearly optimised for Spotify in that they're not massively intrusive and get across a clear message pretty briefly then get the hell out.
Some ads really don't work on Spotify, including a version of the awful Dell treats advert that manages to be worse than the TV version.
But worse, due to its terrible ubiquity, is the advert for the Kia Soul that features some shit-eating grin voiceover and plink-plonky electronic music.
In itself it's not bad, perhaps for the first two or three times. But the 30th time it interrupts your enjoyment of some calming soundtrack, classical music or anything at odds with the Mr Blobby-esque Kia theme tune and it's an exercise in pure, tear-inducing frustration.
It's like being drenched in a bucket of ice-cold water while enjoying a hot bath. And then punched in the nose.
You can't turn it down, you can't turn it off. If you want to keep listening you have to endure the ad for a 31st time. CIA operatives could use it at Guantanamo.
Anything in moderation is tolerable. Most things to excess are intolerable. But don't take my word for it, check out what Twitter is making of it:
• Dear Kia Soul, fyi I will never ever buy your car because your ad just froze Spotify halfway through The Sea. Soul killers.
• NO @spotify I DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THE FREAKING KIA SOUL. Ahh, much better
• I will never buy a Kia Soul, thanks to spotify
• If I hear that Kia Soul advert on Spotify once more I shall attack their showrooms with molotovs and fierce rhetoric about car design.
• Spotify, stop playing the ad for the Kia 'Soul'. I am never, ever gonna buy that atrocious little crap-box. Ever.
• Dear Spotify, the jaunty Kia Soul ad goes with Shostakovich's 8th String Quartet like napalm with bare flesh.
• I hate you, Kia Soul. You make #spotify worse again.
• God the spotify ads do my head in. There's nothing like a bit of "Kia Soul" in the middle of some NIN....
• No Spotify, I do not want to buy a Kia Soul. I want to LISTEN TO MUSIC
• THE KIA SOUL ADS ON SPOTIFY ARE LITERALLY THE WORST ADS I HAVE EVER HEARD. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR ~*~QUIRKINESS AND INVIDUALITY~*~
• kia soul advert on spotify wrecks the mood of all my music.
• essaying whilst listening to remembranza by murcof, on spotify. it's veryvery good, but I DONT CARE ABOUT THE KIA SOUL AGHHH make it stop