All the shit bits of the BT family adverts
Finally, the montage you've been waiting for. All the memorable bits from the BT family adverts, especially the bit where Adam and Jane tell all their family and friends that Adam is dying from an incurable disease.
Curiously, there's no appearance from the one that got banned for BT exaggerating the speed of their internet provision. And there's the bit where Adam and his stags watch some hardcore Swedish grumble together. Charming.
I think it's utterly insane that people actually want to watch this stuff, but then again over 10,000 have people have watched it on Youtube. So what do I know.
Now fuck off forever, BT family.
Adam and Jane BT advert – what did happen next
So, Jane is preggers, who saw that coming?
Apparently over 1.6m people voted in the 'What happens next' BT advert vote, with over 70 per cent voting for the 'with child' option.
Why on Earth anyone would want to do this is beyond me, but there you go.
As for AdTurds readers, they voted for Adam throttling himself with his phone cord in frustration at BT's poor customer service, narrowly edging out 'Jane is constipated'.
But if all that's a little too scatological for you, here's the amazing suggestions that BT really liked on its site:
I feel Jane should be pregnant scared and confused. Of course it is Adam's and Adam is over the moon he jumps on the plane flies over and says lets get married....NOW! The whole family goes to a registry office and gets married ! It then jumps forward 9 months to show the baby and they are all smiling and phoning their family x
I think that Adam and Jane should marry, have a baby and become a nice family. I also think that Jane's ex will also find a new partner for himself and also have a child then all can meet up on a regular basis and be friendly for the sake of the children.
Jane's ex-husband will text her and say we need to talk about the kids, they should meet up and he will tell Jane he still loves her and wants to make it work and then he will kiss Jane
Fucking fascinating we're sure. Here's some suggestions from viewers on BT's own Youtube page. The first is the 'most popular' response.
I don't know whether this is heroic social media chops from BT or heroically insane to allow comments like this, but there you go:
Jane continues to rub her stomach, dropping the phone to the floor. Her right hand goes to her breast, stroking and teasing her nipple softly. The camera pans back.
Jane's left hand has slipped under the waistband of her trousers. Her hand moves further in, her fingers quite obviously stroking and rubbing her most intimate area.
A low sultry gasp escapes her lips, her right hand moving from her breast, sliding under the pillow for her vibrator....
what happens next ? I know ! he finds out that his best mate and her and having a affair and well he aint happy ! so what he does is get a knife and go round her house and stab her 57 times in the belly killing her and the baby in her !
then he robs 30 banks in a row give all the money to NASA so that he can fly up to the moon. On the moon he meets 5 aliens who are planning to blow up Earth and he decided to help them.
The line suddenly goes dead - they ring the BT faults department and find out that there's a fault at the exchange! It turns out that an engineer accidentally disconnected her line when they were turning on a neighbour's broadband connection.
Cue a montage of them on the phone to the faults department and checking the fault status on the website, lifting the receiver to see if it is working yet, days flying off a calendar. The advert ends with the woman sobbing and rocking gently in the corner.
Once people start voting on the outcome of ads they are finished as human beings!
Adam meets up with Jane at the weekend. Jane is acting weirdly. Adam is cautious, but in an instant, a chestburster alien bursts out her chest. But instead of attacking Adam instantly, it fuses with Jane's bottom, to become an evil alien hybrid known as the Jane-uss.
The Jane-uss leaps at Adam, but Adam manages to whip out his wang in time, firing several litres of acidic ninja sperm at Jane-uss. The Jane-uss subsequently is impregnated creating the Ninja-Sperm-Jane-Uss Alien Hybrid.
The End
All of which seems far more entertaining to us. Anyway, here's the stunning reveal:
BT Adam & Jane advert – what happens next?
BT seems to be labouring under the illusion that we're all on the edge of our seats, wondering what manner of fascinating event the next exciting installment of the BT family will bring.
The Adam and Jane saga has wended its tiresome way across our screens for five years now, with the tiresome inevitably of a semi-regular bout of the shits.
There's been a few suggestions that the series, not even derailed when Kris Marshall was run over by a car, is coming to an end, and now this gimmick where we're being asked to vote on what happens next.
As Jane spends the advert being hormonal and rubbing her belly, it's fairly obvious that the choice involves pregnancy. Those who actually bother to log on to the BT website will be met with this earth-shattering choice:
A> Jane is pregnant
B> Jane isn't pregnant
Replies on BT's own Youtube channel have a few more interesting suggestions, suggesting the general public aren't especially enamoured of the couple. They include:
My idea is that he goes into her facebook account and discovers she's a crack whore with loads of clients. He poses as a client wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and drills her in the bum mercilessly until she explodes.
Miscarriage
I vote for a termination
How about, Jane comes home to find Adam balls deep in the daughter, then BT get a huge surge of new customers in Norfolk
She dies in childbirth
And they're among the more considered choices. There's always a certain amount of this sort of thing that goes on when companies open up their marketing campaigns to the public, but BT has rather misjudged the mood in my opinion, with the public ripping an unloved company and unloved campaign.
Given that BT's options amount to something of a Hobson's Choice, I've compiled a few myself. Vote below on your favourite.
Adam and Jane BT advert - What Happens Next?
Kris Marshall and the BT family
Kris Marshall is probably a nice bloke. It's just that nearly every role he's played has involved him looking like a total cock. My Family, that programme with Amanda Donohoe, that role in Love, Actually.
The icing on the cake is the BT family adverts, which feature Marshall solving every single problem in his bizarre step-family life through the magic of a BT Home Hub, whatever the fuck that is.
Anyone who has ever had any dealings with BT will know how utterly absurd this is, as they're by far the worst of all duff post-privatisation utilities.
The only pleasure in the ads has been trying to work out if I fancy the MILFy mother figure in these adverts but, joy-upon-joy, there have recently been signs that the series of ads is coming to an end.
After taking his dream job – another fucking shit sitcom I expect – Adam is back on the scene, apparently with some big news.
It's not explained what this news is, but as it is conveyed by dozens of people hearing it down the phone looking deliriously happy I can only assume that Adam has been struck down with some terminal illness, or has decided to take his own life.
It's the only thing I can think that explains the sheer relief and unalloyed joy on the faces of those who know him.
• Curiously hardly any of the BT ads are available on Youtube, so I haven't been able to find this latest ad. If I didn't know better I'd suspect BT slaps a copyright infringement claim on them when they crop up. But I'll find one, mark my words, I'll find one.