Aviva ads: Paul Whitehouse’s calvacade of cunts
Yes, The Fast Show was brilliant. The characters, the catchphrases, the sheer machine-gun delivery of laughs. Paul Whitehouse clearly has an eye for a comic grotesque, but there's more to it than that. Many of the best characters touched on a fundamental truth relating to their primary characteristic – we could relate to them, in some way.
That's clearly the thinking behind this seemingly neverending set of adverts for Aviva, which does insurance or something. Whitehouse has appeared – it seems to me – as about eight hundred different characters all talking about the benefits of some sort of insurance.
One of these – the dead Dad looking after his family from beyond the grave – I find genuinely obnoxious. The others? A weird mix of irritating, try-hard surreal and just wrong.
Take the fat Welsh goth with a fixation on chintzy ornaments. Fuck the what? All I can manage to take from this grotesque creation is a genuine sense of discomfort looking at Whitehouse's jowly face grinning in trowelled-on make-up; something somewhere between The League of Gentlemen and Silence of the Lambs.
And the Plymouth fan. "Green Army!," may have had idiots LOLing on Twitter, but it made me want to throw a pint glass of pop – or my cat, whichever was closer – at the telly. Then there was the Scottish ballroom dancer who had recently purchased some cuban heels.
Now we appear to have a bloke who enjoys fishing and a feller who likes metal detecting. There's a pattern developing here, I'll explain it thus:
Stupid accent + affliction / weird appearance x unlikely obsession = Paul Whitehouse holiday villa
Based on that we can create our own Aviva characters. First we need an accent. We've not had scouse yet, so let's go for that one.
Second, something that's apparently an amusing or offbeat pasttime. Let's say... stamp collecting. Yes, that will work.
Thirdly, let's suggest that Albie (they all appear to have daft names) has one leg. A one-legged Liverpudlian philatelist.
A-ha, but there'll need to be a reason to reference Aviva here. Let's suggest that the recent wet weather has caused the roof to cave in at Albie's house – while he was out getting 'legless' – and ruin his prized Penny Black (Albie will say 'arlarse').
But – a-ha! – he'd insured his stamps with Aviva! Hooray! Albie will probably hobble towards the camera saying "That's dead boss, that is!"
Proudly, Albie will show off a new stamp that's in some way strange (ummmm... it's got Donna Air on it; Albie will fancy her) and praise Aviva for sorting it all out. He is "made up".
Want to make your own Paul Whitehouse Aviva character? I'll start you off with a few options – all you have to do is stick them together. Then, like Paul Whitehouse, maybe you can make hundreds of thousands of pounds for a load of old fucking rope.
Name: Cyril, Cecil, Roderick, Anton, Fergus
Accent: Norfolk, Cockney, Teesside, Manc, Irish
Obsession: Newt-breeding, ferret-trousering, traction-engine restoration, taxidermy, divining
Affliction: Stutter, Lucifugous, Crohn's Disease, agoraphobia, Cerebral Palsy
Not convinced? Have a look at the following. You can practically see the base code running through it after three or four.
September 2011 keywords: Can Paul Whitehouse tapdance?
For the record I doubt very much that Paul Whitehouse learned to tapdance for the sake of a five-second spot in a baffling insurance advert - but who knows eh?
If Aviva's intention with its series of unloved Paul Whitehouse adverts has been to encourage lots of bemused viewers trying to ascertain the twinkle-toed abilities of everyone's favourite cockney comic then it's certainly succeeded.
14 people typed the exact phrase 'can Paul Whitehouse tapdance' into their search engines and navigated to AdTurds last month - and there were plenty more besides. Perhaps a more valuable question may have been 'what does Avivia do again?' because, for the life of me, I can't work it out from their ads.
What else caught my eye among the AdTurds Google Analytics keyword data this month? Well, 'complain about gocompare advert psychological damage' had a certain ring to it. Could we ever see an advertiser sued for just being incredibly bleeding annoying? I'd like to think so - the streets of Soho would be lined with flattened creatives by lunchtime.
BMW's apparently-pulled Lund brothers advert has taken a hell of a lot of stick - I hope the Lunds thought their 12-month loans were worth it.
Elsewhere, someone appears to be of the opinion that the new Haribo advert - sample lyric: "Oh so smooth; love them soft; squidgy, squidy baby!" - is plagiarising John Lennon. This might, on the face of it, seem unlikely - at least to anyone who hasn't heard Double Fantasy.
The Toyota 'gadget master' ad seems to be universally disliked. Despite the fact that I think it's fairly odd - and very niche - I don't mind it, and at least Toyota is trying to lower its target demographic from somewhere around the late-50s at last.
Elsewhere it's the usual roll call of bewilderment, irritation and lust. Who'd have thought Cheryl Baker would have so many admiring fans? Has an advert every inspired such a gamut of negative emotions as the current Haribo effort? Why do so many people have it in for Louise Redknapp?
Tune in next month....
September 2011 keywords
jenson button head and shoulders awful - 23 instances
can paul whitehouse tap dance - 14 instances
gillette fusion proglide challenge guy is a twat - 13 instances
apple adverts patronising
bulmers advert plan b fuck off
compare the meerkat haters
latest haribo advert plagiarism john lennon - no idea on this one
lund brothers bmw twats
paddy power ginger twat
what the fuck is up with the haribo ad? - a heck of a good question
when are they going to get rid of that fat get on the go compare advert
"the jellied eel gazette"
advert where woman leaves her poop on the table
adverts for ants - do any exist?
adverts of haribo are retarted - the irony of this one amused me
anyone noticed confused.com advert is quite sexual? - safe to say they have
big fat pussy cat do in a cadbury egg commercial
bmw advert brothers cunts
bmw what is a latte without milk - a very good question - the Lund brothers don't seem to know
cambodia febreze
cannon and ball are fucking shit
complain about gocompare advert psychological damage
dishwashing ad where lady is looking at wine glass - there are some queries that stump even Google
doubleglazing cunts
gadget master- new toyota advert fucking sucks
gillette advert whooping volume - much too loud, though I'm unable to give a figure in decibels
ginger anger go compare ad
halifax adverts make me want to switch away from halifax - in a nutshell perhaps the whole point of this website
haribo advert very uncomfortable
has anybody got a meerkat from moneysupermarket?
have the breasts in the confused.com advert got larger? - we need to know
i don't get the jenson button head and shoulders advert
i fucking hate the new toyota yaris advert
i fucking hate the new yaris toyota advert
i fucking hate the rap toyota yaris advert
is the uk maltesers advert offensive to gay people
is voyage prive french for stuck up cunt? - I have seen this advert and can only conclude it is, given its contents
jamie oliver advertising basic sausages
lorraine kelly interviews ad star howard brown - now that I know of the existence of this video I MUST see it
my brother freddie is an actor and a model fuck off
paul whitehouse dancing cunt - no manners but what a critic
shouty fucker on t mobile advert
toby carvery stomach cramps
tv adverts with jamie and louise redknapp. as thomas cook promotes family holidays, why does the ad give the impression that they are a couple without children? - why indeed?
who's the lovely girl in the toolstation ad?
why do haribo adverts have germans speaking english
wonga advert is evil - wonga is evil
July 2011 keywords: What a horrible kid
AdTurds' Google Analytics account continues to shine a light into the murkiest corners of readers' minds, so this month I stripped out most of the horrible stuff an included some new trends, stuff that simply made me laugh and some plain weird shit.
Whether or not Jacamo is actually designed for fat men, readers seem to have made up their minds. 31 queries for 'jacamo is for fat bastards' seem to indicate that the debate is over.
Elsewhere lots of people have been typing Jenson Button's bizarre dandruff soliloquy, presumably to find out what the hell he's on about, while the Gillette Fusion Proglide Challenge is, it's fair to say, really getting on people's tits.
Lots of people have bee searching for things relating to Cheryl Baker and Carey Mulligan; things that I most certainly can't furnish them with, though I'm sure there are plenty of places where 'fat lesbians fisting' can be discovered on the world wide web - and probably even 'penis loathing film' come to that, though even the internet might shrug at 'delicious turd cock'.
'Paul Whitehouse what the fuck' is probably something a lot of people have been asking of his Aviva ads the last couple of years, including Paul Whitehouse; Stephen Merchant seems to have had his stock reduced by his own set of annoying adverts (viz 'Stephen Merchant should fuck off and die'); and, as it goes, Nannette Newman is so sexy.
'The Redknapps on holiday' seems to suggest some sort of appalling reality TV show or sitcom coming to Sky 2 very soon.
'Every time i read newspaper the same toothpaste advert plays in background' suggests some sort of problem not even the internet can help with, but I'd be interested to know which brand of toothpaste.
The most worrying phrase this month is almost certainly 'people shitting in chocolate cadburys world'. That sounds like something Roald Dahl might have written in one of his 'Tales From the Unexpected' funks rather than great glass elevator moments.
What I do find interesting is the questions people demand of search engine. The identity of an extra in one ad, the shoes another is wearing, what a character in the Halifax ad is eating. Does anyone, anyone on the face of the planet know the answer to some of these?
My favourite this month? 'what a horrible kid in the vision express ad' - I've not seen the ad in question but I'll be scanning the ad breaks like a hawk from now on.
FInally, one that is actually related to ads, perhaps the motherload of all current shit ads. It kind says it all.
'why can't they bloody bury that go compare advert it's the most annoying advert on the television'.
Recurring keywords
Hate - Confused.com, Louise Rednknapp, 118 118, Lloyds TSB, Match.com, Go Compare, Halifax
Shit - 118 118, Citroen, Match.com, Pepsi Max
Awful - Fusion Proglide, Cash For Gold, Head and Shoulders, Pepsi, Confused.com, Direct Line, Galaxy
Terrible - 118 118, Spotify, Aviva, Confused.com, Direct Line, Gillette Fusion Proglide
Fuck - Confused.com, BT
Cunt - BT, Confused.com, Gillette Fusion Proglide, Gio Compario, Halifax
Tits - Chetyl Baker and Cara Confused duking it out here
July 2011 AdTurds keywords
jacamo is for fat bastards - 31 examples
"wow it's bracing"
confused.com advert ofsted complaints
gillette fusion proglide advert twat
racing spacing wow its bracing
adcunts.com
are just for men commercials deliberately stupid
bank ad campaign: students are wankers
big titted confused.com advert
boots adverts make women look stupid
bum adverts
caneston thrush advert at dinner time
carey mulligan masturbating
cheryl baker sausage
confused.com advert music played at gitmo
cunt from gillette advert
delicious turd cock
every time i read newspaper the same toothpaste advert plays in background
fat lesbians fisting
is there a bigger cunt on tv than the twat in the gillette pro-glide ad
nanette newman so sexy
neville wanless and roger mellie
obnoxious pregnant women
oops-stars.com cheryl baker nipples
paul whitehouse what the fuck
penis loathing film
people shitting in chocolate cadburys world
sainsbury's tomatoes are rubbish
stephen merchant should fuck off and die
stupid little twat from the morrisons advert
suck germaine greer
the people doing cadbury commercials are on some of that good shit
the redknapps on holiday
the sky cricket commentry team are annoying
ugly people in tesco
wanna see the womans tits in the lynx advert
what a horrible kid in the vision express ad
what car does emile heskey have - probably not a Fiat Stilo
what shoes does the man from barclays advert wear?
what the hell is that girl eating in the hsbc advert
whats the deal with that fucking gillette advert?
who is the punk neighbour on the we buy any car advert 2011?
why can't they bloody bury that go compare advert it's the most annoying advert on the television
April 2011 keywords – They’re us, that’s all
Another month, another spreadsheet of fear, ignorance and hatred in another instalment of which AdTurds keywords have amused me this time around.
What can we glean from this month's queries? Well, that people think Shane Richie is sporting a wig, or a hair transplant. That Paul Whitehouse is really dead - eh? - and that people think the actors who play the couple in the BT adverts are a couple in real life.
And who's getting it in the neck? Well, banks and price comparison websites, predictably. But the 'Here Come the Girls' meme seems to be really upsetting people: 54 people searched for the term '"here come the girls" fuck off'.
Elsewhere, people seem to share my opinions on the Cadbury's Creme Egg adverts; people seem to think Butlins is racist, Halifax seems to have a thriving MILF economy; the chaps from the Jacamo adverts are described in less than complimentary terms; and Cheryl Baker 'would get cock'.
All told, just another tiny window into the lives of these strange, angry, horny people. But you know the worst thing about these weirdos, these losers, these freaks...?
"They're us, that's all, when there's no more room in hell..."
April 2011 AdTurds keywords
"here come the girls" fuck off - 54 queries
paul whitehouse dead
why do halifax keep making those shit adverts
cadbury goo sex
rant about confused.com advert
that fucking halifax isa isa advert
bill steele tyne tees
butlins ethnic minorities
jacamo fat bastards
masturbating onto a digestive biscuit
what's happened to ian wright tv career
why armpits make women look hot
"cillit bang" "clit bang"
"fucking" "wearing" "slippers"
118 118 adverts well annoying
advert bemused chopped in corner shop
advert for tit cream
am i the only one fucking sick of adverts??
anyone remember the piano music from cadburys advert 80s
are butlins racist
are the people off the bt advert actually married?
barclays advert justin lee collins squirrel
bouncing breasts on confused.com advert
cadbury creme egg looks like cum dripping down face after eating a girl out
cheryl baker would get cock
chickswithdicks
chris kamara idiot
cock comparison website
confused.com advert... she pulls a laptop out of her vag??
confused.com horrible brand
davina mccall vagina hair
diana ross fucking
does everest institute intentionally choose annoying people for their ads?
fuck lloyds ts
fuck off bt
fuck off nat west
fuck you tsb
gillette fusion challenge advert guy is an idiot
gooing all over your mouth
granny fucking in halifax uk
halifax advert i want it to die
i want to run a website that is similar to confused.com
is paul whitehouse dead?
is peter kay nice?
is ray parker jr. homosexual?
is that lionel richie in the walkers adverts?
jacamo for fat bastards
jj burnel talks about having sex with steve strange - funnily enough I read an interview where this discussion takes place recently
lionel richie walkers advert is he real?
mature fucking in halifax uk
music dating site queen advert
nat west helpful banking fuck off
paul merton smug
proud sponsor of mums arrogance
shane richie hair transplant
shane ritchie wig
the inside of a creme egg is like the devils sperm
the new kimberley advert is one of the three girls a man?
the racist walkers advert
three babes pissing on citroen
bum and bum together.com
Dead Dad Paul Whitehouse in crass Aviva ad emotional blackmail extravaganza
Emotional manipulation is nothing new in advertising, think of those kindly old faces plugging life insurance for when they're six feet under, but it's surely never been so in-your-face.
Look at poor Dead Dad Paul Whitehouse. He's dead, as is indicated by his white apparel - long such proscribed as the attire for dead human beings, as laid out in Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) - but at least he provided for his kids with a life insurance policy UNLIKE YOU YOU FUCKING MISERLY, IRRESPONSIBLE, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A FATHER.
What happens if you snuff it eh? There'll be no dead Dad to look after your wife and kids BECAUSE YOU SPENT THAT CASH ON A FUCKING FLATSCREEN TV RATHER THAN PUTTING A BIT OF MONEY AWAY EVERY MONTH, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UTTER BASTARD?
No matey, the only people who'll be around your house when you're six feet under ROTTING IN HELL ARE THE FUCKING BAILIFFS. SELLING YOUR KIDS AND TOUCHING YOUR MISSUS INAPPROPRIATELY.
Unless it's actually Paul Whitehouse himself, bringing your poor widowed wife flowers and gifts of computer games for the little 'uns.
Because maybe that's what Paul Whitehouse will be doing, when you're brown bread. Getting his feet under the table, shagging YOUR wife in YOUR bed and wearing YOUR fucking slippers. And your kids... now they're calling HIM Dad.
All because you didn't take out that life insurance policy with Aviva.