August 2011 keywords: Haribo advert torture
Haribo advert torture?
Is someone suggesting that the Haribo adverts amount to torture? That they could be used in Guantanamo to drive lads from Bolton into admitting they once went to Pakistan? Or is the reader in question suggesting they'd like to torture the people responsible for the advert? The latter seems likely, given that someone in the 'Suggest an AdTurd' section wanted to push the sweets in question up the anuses of the actors involved 'until they explode'.
Trends this month - alongside Haribo of course - showed no slowing in hatred fro Go Compare, Confused.com, Gillette and Head & Shoulders.
New entries included the Toyota Yaris advert and dear old Freddie and Adam - two brothers destined to be loathed forever by 400,00 people for their truly abysmal advert for the BMW 1 Series.
This month I was amused by the following couplet:
how stupid is louise rednapp
how thick is jamie redknapp
Not so stupid or thick that they aren't raking it in all over your TV at any given time of the day, sadly.
Meanwhile, who voices the dog in the Walls adverts? I don't know. A dog? What is a commer corn on the cob? I've been led to believe it's actually a combo piri-piri, though I'm still none the wiser to be honest.
'You're doing it wrong!' entries include such delights as 'compare your shit.com'; 'dirty adverts for shit sniffers'; 'fat girl shagged at butlins'; 'i have embezzled from charity i work for' and, bafflingly, 'based on a sample of 200 customers, flora found that 48% preferred flora buttery. calculate a confidence interval for the true proportion who prefer flora.' Is that an exam question?
Targets of AdTurds readers' dubious affections include Carey Mulligan, Louise Redknapp, Cheryl Baker and Martine McCutcheon ('i would fuck martine mccutcheon up the arse').
Meanwhile no-one seems to know if the Bulmers Plan B advert is a fake. A fake what, exactly? I've no idea, but I do know that I hate Plan B.
August 2011 keywords search phrases
gillette pro glide man idiot
who is the wanker on the gillette ad
machine fucking women driver car insurance
based on a sample of 200 customers, flora found that 48% preferred flora buttery. calculate a confidence interval for the true proportion who prefer flora.
emtions expressed while watching john lewis advert
is the voice from the gillette fusion proglider commercial the same voice from the transformer movie?
why do the people on the confused .com advert have big tits
"fuck off bt family"
"hanging out the back of it"
bap cocks
bbc cooking website suggests that muslims celebrate the end of ramadan with a nice pork vindaloo
bmw annoying advert freddie
bmw brothers advert cunts
bmw brothers annoying advert
bmw twats advert
boots commercials make women look stupid
boris johnson buggering a heron - that's one of mine
cadbury "brown bunny" racist
cadbury chocolate still tastes like crap july 2011
chicken in a biscuit advertisement bouncing boobs
compare your shit .com
confused.com advert nude
confused.com advert why boobs jiggle so much?
direct line advert who is the cock
dirty ad verts for shit sniffers
does paul whitehouse tap dance
extremely annoying haribo advert
facking vagina cream
fat girl shagged at butlins
freddie adam bmw shit advert
fucking cunting new haribo
fusion pro glide annoying little shit
gadget master toyota yaris what does her phone do?
gio compario is a cunt
go compare adverts how long do we have to put up with them
god only knows ruined by vw
haribo advert pornographic
haribo advert sucks ass
haribo advert torture
harvester advert whats a comma piri piri
harvester what is a commer corn on the cob?
has the confused.com girls tits got bigger?
head and shoulders advert rhyming then not
how longer do we have to put up with the fat prat on go compare adverts
how stupid is louise rednapp
how thick is jamie redknapp
i have embezzled from charity i work for
i would fuck martine mccutcheon up the arse
is the bulmers plan b advert real
the jacamo advert looks chavvy
the new haribo advert is the worst thing ever
vol-u-vents left they're ours paul merton
where did the saying thank crunchie its friday come from
who are the annoying cunts in bmw advert
who are those twats of the envirofone advert
whos the voice of the dog in the walls advert
Sex and loathing: February keywords on AdTurds
Here's some keyword queries for AdTurds I dredged out of the Google Analytics account for last month.
They make fairly amusing - and often hair-raising - reading and , I think, a fascinating insight into what people are thinking while they're watching TV.
As an anonymous method of sharing what's on your mind - and far more anonymous than even Twitter or the like and therefore more interesting - its value to advertisers, marketers, publishers and broadcasters could be pretty significant.
However, I've just pulled out the ones that amused me or caught my attention. Sex and loathing seem to feature highly. What does that say about me?
what is the concept behind kia's new advert?
make me into a cartoon confused.com
womensucking shitted cock
yoghurt adverts
go compare spotify lyrics cat getting bummed
bt adam and jane fuck off
adam and jane can fuck off
who is morgan freeman's agent
morgan freeman to sue more than
sick of autoglass adverts
whats the point of confused.com ad
dildos shaped like vegetables for sale
confused.com pulling microphone out of her vagina
jamie oliver sausages?
"larry lamb" wives
sexual violence adverts
butlins is shit
butlins is racist
fuck off rbs
what does chain reaction have to do with car insurance?
davina in rubber
davina mccall needed a poo
who is the fair haired girl in the natwest advert
confused.com vagina
canesten duo ad feeling yourself gag
redknapp hanging out the back of it
aviva dead dad
fucking halifax adverts
cheryl baker fat
febreze twins
boots anoying fucking here come the girls
average profile of maltesers consumers
advert where woman puts her shit in her handbag
advert with 2 fat women playing a drum
"advert * * * * her shattering"
wish kris marshall would fuck off
we buy any car for fuck all
dirty doorstep shane ritchie
direct line annoying advert walnut
confused.com advert vulgar
can a smoke sasuage be used as a dildo
can i have a cadbury's finger please brian
cadbury brown bunny racist
i hate the redknapps
i get the strangest feeling you shag turds
godfather 3 is not an old movie twee ad match.com
fucking wifes feet slipper
facts that are bad things about cadburys 'eyebrow'
ethical implication of narwhal
fat twat from envirofone ads
craig doyles cock
overrated geordie celebs
nothing's more annoying than smug bastards who say that that cheering up is easy
martine mccutcheon looks so fat in this ads
masturbatiom men and girls hen nights
last year we shaved peter the meerkat
kris marshall show your penis
jacobs creek ad cunts
jack davenport stiffy
what would david cameron look like with rubies for eyes
what does miss shit duffy mean
what car does emile heskey drive?
shane richie hair transplant wig
retarded child betty crocker adverts
richard branson is a turd
porky cocks
here come the sodding girls - again
you want to squeeze my buttocks together to make one juicy giant peach
why is there no oriental people in the confused.com advert?
where is the video of davina mccall and the acrobat with shit on his arse?
Watch Jamie Redknapp smash it
AdTurds is fairly nonplussed by the apparently bomb-proof Redknapp clan, advertising's new royalty. While neither seem unpleasant in any way (well, annoying yes, but not actively unpleasant), they're not the most engaging of couples and their ubiquity is baffling.
Redknapp survived the carnage at Sky by virtue of being - by all accounts - a nice bloke and having the good grace to look uncomfortable and embarrassed by Richard Keys' talk of 'smashing' a lady known to both of them.
Keys went even further, adding that - in his opinion - one may have found Redknapp at any given time 'hanging out the back of it'. Charming.
So while there's no mention of Redknapp hanging out the back of anything in this ad for a Nintendo Wii footy game, it is perhaps unfortunate that Jamie Redknapp can be seen encouraging his young son to 'smash it'.
Take a bow, son.
The worst adverts of 2010
It's been a fruitful year for the AdTurds, with much more material that could be covered in the end. The Suggest an AdTurd feature is brimming like one of those huge tanks in the American midwest that's full of boiling, gaseous pig shit.
Go Compare ran away with this one in 2009 and like Cliff Richard, he's a very good bet for this year's gong too, despite stiff competition from Confused.com, WeBuyAnyCar, BT and Halifax.
There are dark horses too. Who saw the VanCompare advert coming? Or Bing's heroic attempt to take on Google with some monkey noises? Or the total horror of Jamie and Louise Rednkapp 'laaaahvin iiii...'?
And what about Spotify? That came from nowhere eh? But how many people who heard Jack Davenport's infuriating Alfa Romeo MiTo advert will ever forget it?
What has emerged is the likelihood that a genuinely hated ad is likely to find its way back on your box again and again. If people dislike it, they probably remember it; if the remember it, it's probably on the screens all the time; if it's on the screens all the time it's probably disliked. Hence your most hated ad is back on the telly again and again. QED.
That's unfortunate if you're driven to twitching fury by such adverts, but it seems increasingly clear that it's how ad agencies work. Bad adverts are, if you like, a necessary evil. But this is concentrated evil. One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.
Read on! Weep! Vote! Smash yourself in the face with an iron! Watch again! It's the most annoying, most shit, most terrible adverts of 2010!
Halifax adverts
Effortlessly the worst series of adverts since, well, the last lot of Halifax adverts. While truly appalling, these adverts don't quite make me fear for the human race. They're like the Mumford and Sons, Tesco or Microsoft of bad adverts. Always there, always disliked, always shit (or mediocre at any rate).
But there are, to my mind, worse evils in the world. AdTurds readers seem to disagree, so expect this to go straight in at number one in the poll below.
Full disclosure: AdTurds has a bit of a thing for the blonde in the Lucky You advert.
Read the original entry: new Halifax adverts and Isa Isa Baby adverts.
Confused.com - Somebody to Love
After several failed attempt, Confused.com finally hit upon a character of its own designed to annoy the shit out of people everywhere. Only this isn't just annoying, it's also inept. A confused (ahem) message only serves to leave a bemused WTF rattling off the walls.
Imagine Confused.com's squiggly drawing thing being rather indelicately spitroasted by Gio Compario and Aleksandr Orlov and you have a pretty good metaphor for how their respective campaigns have panned out.
Read the original entry: Confused.com Somebody to Love
Marks & Spencer's Xmas Turd
Hard to believe now, but there was once something vaguely canny about these M&S adverts, before they fell in love with themselves so massively it's a surprise they don't simply have the cast frotting themselves on cashmere jumpers and gift packs of bubble bath.
This festive effort swith Peter Kay, Twiggy, Danni Minogue and some other people too dreary to mention is so smug that Piers Morgan thinks it's a bit much.
Read the original entry: Marks & Spencer Christmas advert
Thomas Cook Redknapp horror intersection
AdTurds has some inside information on this effort from Thomas Cook that suggests that it was responsible for more complaints than anything else the travel company has ever done.
That may or may not be true, but what is true is that Thomas Cook has a huge effigy of the gruesome Redknapps (who seem to exist purely in advertising these days) in its reception, no doubt now defaced by people driven to violence by Louise and Jamie's vile, whiny estuary voices.
Read the original entry: Redknapp Thomas Cook adverts
Bing clutch bags
Tasked with apparent no-win scenario of designing an ad campaign to humble Google, ad agency JWT struck a canny line with the 'information overload' line but went on to present it in the most annoying way possible.
I always thought it would have been better to have the information overload people spouting a load of gibberish about hot Asian babes too.
It's also problematic because the Bing engine isn't any better in displaying relevant information that Google, Yahoo, Ask or any other search engine in the entire world.
Read the original entry: Bing adverts
Dell treats Lollipop
On the face of there was nothing too annoying about this advert for Dell's laptops first off. But the sheer carpet-bombing ubiquity of the first few bars of the Chordettes track - particularly when it invaded Spotify - rendered it simply unbearable; and almost certainly used as a torture device in Guantanamo Bay.
Lollipop Lollipop Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli Lollipop....
Read the original entry: Dell treats advert
Josh T-Mobile
Pity poor Josh. Basically used and abused by a massive multinational in their doomed marketing campaign like a Thai ladyboy by a second-hand car salesman from Romford on his annual sex holiday.
Awful music, crap idea, poor chinless Josh. A powerful mixture of pity and contempt.
Read the original entry: John T-Mobile advert
Citroen DS3 John Lennon
The Citroen DS3 might have been the most enjoyable car AdTurds thrashed this year, but this ad featuring Lennon pondering the shitness of nostalgia and retro - in an advert that was all about nostalgia and retro for a car that was all about nostalgia and retro - was one of the least enjoyable ads.
Bonus turds for the affected out-of-synch footage too.
Read the original entry: John Lennon Citroen DS3 advert
VanCompare advert
The post that provoked nothing less than death threats, legal action threats and the infinite wrath of seemingly every Sweet fan on the face of the Earth.
All of that ended in a détente with the actual chairman of VanCompare and a message of good wishes to Andy Scott, believe it or not.
Still, this is possibly the most inept advert every to grace a television. Sweeeeet!
Read the original entry: VanCompare advert
BT family adverts
Perhaps the most unloved TV couple since Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood, Adam and Jane seemed to reach a climax this year in the 'is she or isn't she?' interactive campaign. Sadly the options didn't involve death or divorce, but whether Jane was pregnant or not (AdTurds readers suggested their own ending).
In the most stultifying spot of television ever, the answer was revealed as yes and somewhere in Scotland came the noise of John Logie Baird and Alexander Graham Bell softly weeping.
Read the original entry: BT advert - what happens next?
Go Compare adverts
AdTurds can't really find it in his granite heart to hate Go Compare. Annoying, yes, but no more than any Little & Large sketch from the 1987.
To complain of the rampant repetition; the sheer inescapability of Go Compare ads would be to complain about the ubiquity of grass, water, why the very air itself.
Still, a guaranteed big hitter in this year's poll - and maybe they'll finish it off with Gio exploding in gas, fat and hair after one 'whaffer thin mint' too many.
Read the original entry: Go Compare advert
Ladbrokes World Cup ads
Two of the most annoying people on television gibbering and gurning like idiots; an appalling campaign; distasteful subject matter; a soundtrack used in at least two different ads over the last couple of years.
Without Wright and Kamara is would be awful. With the charmless pundits it enters a new circle of Hell.
Read the original entry: Ladbrokes World Cup adverts
We Buy Any Car advert
Few adverts are genuinely hateful, but We Buy Any Car managed it this year with the advertising equivalent of having Fern Cotton blast an air horn into your face for 60 seconds several times a day.
Pretty much the nearest thing to a sonic weapon - a non-lethal weapon designed to disable victims by provoking vomiting or 'uncontrolled' defecation - that you'll ever see on television.
Read the original entry: WeBuyAnyCar advert
Alfa Romeo Spotify advert
Sadly, or fortunately, I've been unable to track down the audio of this bad, bad ad. Suffice it to say that this advert on Spotfiy was generating hundreds of tweets a day on Twitter, and none were positive.
Actually drove me to a Spotify Premium account. I've yet to work out whether this is sheer genius on the part of Spotify; sheer idiocy on the part of Alfa Romeo; a combination of both; or simple ineptitude. Either way it's abysmal.
Read the original entry: Alfa Romeo Spotify advert
Iceland 201 Christmas adverts
It was an oversight of massive proportions that Iceland's 2010 Christmas adverts, featuring Jason Donovan, were not originally included in this list, but an ad break that featured four or five versions of this ad recently convinced me of the error.
There's something genuinely unsettling about all of this. The insistence of it, the repetition and noise and the fact that the food all looks so horrible.
This isn't just an annoying advert. It;s an advert to give you nightmares.
• Read the original entry: Iceland 2010 Christmas advert
Vote for the worst advert of 2010!
Vote for your most hated ad of 2010 and we'll go an pelt the ad agency who wins with rotten fruit. And very hard stones.
Redknapp, Wright and Venables form worst band ever
Two footballing Del Boys and one of the most charmless and unwatchable 'presenters' on TV.
Maybe, just maybe, these are three of the worst people you could get to front your latest ad.
Jamie and Louise Redknapp unconvincing Thomas Cook ad
Getting a celebrity couple to front your advert can't be an especially easy task if you're a package holiday company more closely associated with Majorca than the Maldives.
So hats off to Thomas Cook, which appears to have paid Jamie and Louise Redknapp lots of cash to sacrifice their remaining credibility by appearing in an unconvincing advert suggesting that just like the ordinary poor person, they spend lots of time preparing for, and fantasising about, their accursed once-a-year fortnight in Fuertaventura or Bodrum or Crete or wherever it is ordinary poor people take package holidays to.
The Redknapps are unconvincing in the sense that they are far too tanned, rich and good looking to be going on a Thomas Cook package holiday. On the plus side, they are both thick and speak in whiny Croydon-ish accents. In this sense, they are just like the sort of people you befriend over sun-parched bacon and eggs at Frank's Beachside Taverna before regretting it for the remaining thirteen nights.
There's a diabolical scene with Jamie doing keepie-uppies, barefoot except for a Burton's suit, on a beach. And a bit where Louise nuzzles up to a horse. But the dialogue is the shittest part.
Jamie and Louise dribble on about how they dream abaaaad "it", how they can't wait for "it" and how they fawwwl in lav on "it". But it's not until the end of the advert that you find out what "it" actually is.
Obviously it's a dreary package holiday. But I invite you to watch while imagining that "it" is:
(a) A night with a 20-stone German prostitute
(b) Heroin