For the last time this year I've trawled the AdTurds keywords from Google Analytics, which is increasingly like panning for gold in liquid shit.
For the uninitiated these are search terms used by people who ended coming to the site, so they provide a valuable insight into what people are looking for and, to an extent, what their views are.
Their views, it's safe to say, are generally negative. Obviously there's a chicken-and-egg nature to the kind of people who navigate to AdTurds, but there's devil in the longtail - those long, unwieldy, unlikely searches that reveal a lot about what people think of bad adverts.
I've jotted down the ones that caught my eye - for whatever reason - from November.
"go compare" "fuck off" - 32 instances
fuck off halifax you cunts! - 10 instances
are gay people offended by the maltesers ad?
women stalking towards the camera en masse like post-feminist zombies lusting after a scarf - my take on last year's M+S advert, appropriated by Janet Street-Porter
frankie cocozza crabs - this does not strike me as unlikely
freddie flintoff morrisons fucking idiot
is the little boy stacey solomabs real son iceland advert - several people seem to be under the impression that Stacey Solomon is called Stacey Solomabs or Shobalob
littlewoods christmas advert 2011 makes me cringe - you're not alone; at the time of writing this ad is duking it out with Haribo to be named worst ad of the year
racist littlewoods advert
sick advert advertising gravy with dancing cow
wow its bracing cunt
adverts with les ferdinand
andrew castle is a warty cunt who promotes accidents - allegedly
argos christmas advert walking sperm
argos paedophilic bieber advert - quite a few people picked up on this - an advert where the 51-year-old Caroline Quentin (as an alien sperm) openly lusts after the 17-year-old Justin Bieber (not far off a sperm himself
at homebase we've everything you need to have a wank - I find this hard to believe
awful ad version of wouldn't it be nice
barclays advert where are the man shoes from - a tough ask
big nose iceland adverts - one of several variations commenting on Stacy Solomon's appearance
boots here come the girls adverts are fucking annoying
cadburys final countdown ad bizarre sinister
can someone stop the halifax adverts - no, I've been trying for years
carey mulligan covered in jizz - no joy here either
People are disgusted by the Colman's gravy advert with a dancing gravy cow
coleman's gravy advert disgusting
colemans beef gravu advert puts you off
colemans gravy advert controversy
colemans gravy advert disturbing
colemans gravy advert horrible
colemans gravy advert terrible
colman's beef gravy advert animal rights
colmans beef gravy advert complaint
colmans beef gravy advert distasteful
colmans real meat juice gravy disgusting
complaint about new colemans advert
complaint gravy advert dancing
corsodyl advert does woman really have false tooth
direct line wank humour adverts
dishwasher with talking vagina tv commercial - I refuse to believe etc.
do you need id to buy the baileys dome gateau from iceland
does anyone else find robin brown annoying - hmm
does anyone else find the condensation outside on planitherm windows annoying - I find the Planitherm advert annoying
does anyone else hate the nandos noise?
double glazing cunts
Not sure what these are about as yet - taking a leaf out of Confused.com's book?
edf energy advert actress bouncing breasts
edf energy advert bouncy
edf energy advert tits
frankie cocozza staring into space m and s ad
A frequent entry in keywords data for this site
fuck off and die morrisons advert
fuck off halifax
fuck off i'm not talking to rice uncle ben
fuck off jamie oliver
fuck off lloyds bank
fuck off nat west
fuck off wonga app on words
fuck the boots advert
fuck the fucking x factor
fuck two bitches a day advert - I refuse to believe etc.
fuck you i'm terry wogan - I really hope Terry Wogan says this to people
fuck your adverts you cunts
fucking meerkat cunts fuck off you little twats - a sentence that might once have killed Mary Whitehouse stone dead
gravy boat craig colton - a bemusing and amusing juxtaposition
Halifax inspires dreadful anger
halifax advert choir man punch fist
halifax advert choir shit go and fuck with a cactus
halifax choir advert what utter shit
halifax choir adverts are such bollocks
halifax choir adverts terrible
halifax choir adverts the cunts
halifax choir annoying
halifax choir complaints
has your childs credit history been fucked up by wonga.com
here come the fucking cunting girls
how come stacey solomon sings driving home for christmas she's jewish
how does one complain to itv about littlewoods advert
how scary does bruce look in the morrisons advert
iceland advert she never eats anything
icelands shit on a stick
is the kid in the john lewis advert darth vader?
jenson button head and shoulders masturbating
louis walsh sperm - a disturbing search query
new argos christmas ad with pervert alien
new toys r us advert subliminal messages - it's the liminal ones that concern me
prius pussy subliminal
stacey solomon gammon? - brilliant. Three words; one question mark.
the redknapps wont be so smug now - quite chilling
the ugliest child in the world haribo advert
wanking with canesten - New BBC series?
what are fucking the women like on eharmony uk
Muller's cluster-toon-fuck is appalling readers
i don't get the muller advert - is there anything to get?
i'll fucking wowcher you you cunts - This has been rising up the charts recently
what the fuck is that muller advert about
what the fuck is that new muller ad?
what the fuck is up with the muller advert
who is the guy walking with the flowers on the halifax savers account advert 2011
who shit john lennon
who would be stupid enough to use wonga
wouldn't it be nice volkswagen commercial horrible
fusion pro glide vagina - I'm guessing the answer is 'yes if you're careful'
Confusion reigns over the M+S / X-Factor ads
why do they keep changing the m&s christmas advert
why is craig not in the m&s xfactor advert
why is frankie not on the m & s advert anymore
why is misha b last on m&s advert
why isn't johnny on the m and s advert?
Cheryl has some dubious fans
cheryl baker big tits
cheryl baker milf
cheryl baker panties
cheryl baker tits
cheryl bakers breasts
cheryl bakers fanny
cheryl tits milk
Well, well, well.
Don't look for him - he isn't there. Frankie Cocozza that is. Not happy with cutting his bits from the new M+S / X-Factor clustershag advert, poor old Francis has actually been painted out of the latest version of the ad, which is presumably causing some headaches at M+S headquarters.
Mark and Spencer's Christmas ad for 2011 is designed to be modular, so that when poor unfortunates get voted out - or dropped for not being sufficiently headline-grabbing - they can be excised from the ad, as if they were never there in the first place. Heartwarming stuff.
Clever, huh? Well, I think not for reasons I detailed here.
But M+S presumably did not see the fact that Cocaine Cocozza - as the tabloids are probably calling him - would get embroiled in a bit of sex-and-drugs rumpus and then get spotted looking totally mashed in the advert's group shots.
M+S has been playing a bit of Youtube hide and seek, hiding and deleting various ads and uploading new ones as contestants have been voted off.
But the most recent development sees Cocozza actually painted out of the group shot, like Trostsky from various Bolshevik photos.
It's a remarkable piece of TV flotsam revisionism and perhaps the perfect example of why I thought these ads were a bad idea.
Unless 'anything your heart desires' included a week of coke-fuelled shagging followed by the swiftest career plunge in history I rather doubt Frankie is digging the M+S advert at present.
That's assuming he hasn't been erased from existence altogether.
The previous version
Cocozza appears, looking mashed, in the top right-hand corner at 47 seconds
The latest version
And now... a blank space!
Oh well, at least Frankie can still be spotted on the M+S Youtube page, just
EDIT: Actually, they've even painted him out of him that Youtube home-page background now.
EDIT 2: And here's the most recent, with Kitty removed from history, replaced by Amelia Lily like it's Invasion of the Bodysnatchers via X Factor.
Having edited out The Risk, Johnny Robinson and Frankie Cocozza from its X-Factor-themed Christmas advert, a new edit has appeared with an altogether different group shot that shows the helmet-headed wild man staring into the distance - mouth agape - in a manner resembling Jim Morrison's corpse as if he'd just seen Louis Walsh stroking his stiffened-yet-tiny cock in the night sky.
Far be it for AdTurds to suggest that Cocozza was mashed on ecstasy pipes, but in light of recent allegations over his unceremonious exit from the competition we're not ruling anything out.
Cocozza has pretty much as good as admitted that he bummed all of Girls Aloud and the Sugababes - Cheryl Cole and Heidi Range twice - and snorted at least an entire South American coca harvest during his time on the show, sleeping as little as 18 minutes in the last three weeks and subsisting on "parsnips and Haribo".
So perhaps we should make some allowance for the tired lad on the day the M&S X-mas advert was filmed.
Given his physical and mental state we should probably be grateful he's not simply spewing down his suit while fiddling with himself in the brand new advert that reminds us all how great Christmas and Marks and Spencer's are.
46 seconds in, if you're wondering
EDIT: M&S keep making their vids private after I've embedded them, so here's the previous version - it still has Cocozza's blank expression on view but it's about a second later
NB. M+S keep setting their vids to private, lest anyone actually watch the ads they've blown wads of cash on, so the video below may change. Sorry about that.
Dreams don't come true - and this Marks and Spencer's advert featuring the latest round of musical cannon fodder from the X-Factor proves it.
When You Wish Upon A Star kind of tells you everything you need to know about the absurd conceit of X-Factor; the idea that any normal person can become mega-rich, mega-beautiful and simply mega by being good at singing.
That's why the auditions - television's equivalent of frying particularly stupid ants under a microscope - are supposedly the most riveting bits of television, they subject delusional fuckwits to a cleansing (or, more likely, devastating) dose of reality: you can't sing, you are ugly, you are probably unhinged.
But it's not the fault of these auditionees; it's the fault of television and advertising. If people are constantly told at every single stage of the their television viewing that they are beautiful, special, unique and should be celebrated for 'who they are' and be 'true to themselves' it should not come as a surprise when they're revealed to be totally delusional - and if it happens on TV in front of millions of people then all the better.
See also: Frankie Cocozza spannered in M+S advert
See also: Frankie Cocozza painted out of M+S ad
This is surely the reason for the rise of people stabbing other people for not attributing sufficient 'respect'; responding to criticism with the ludicrous and increasingly common riposte of 'what you see is what you get with me and if you don't like you can stick it' - a modern idiot's charter; and the genuine belief held by seemingly everyone under the age of 18 that they're entitled to goods, money, success and the life they choose to lead - irrespective of whether they have any brains, talent or other wherewithal that might allow them to achieve their Cowell-sanctioned dreams.
Some of the people in this advert have exceptional talent - the two scouse lads and Misha B seem particularly good - but they're all part of a process that makes ingenuous young people believe their dreams can come true, then chews them up and spits them out.
A bit like advertising really. So, this X-Factor-sponsored Marks and Spencer's advert - or is it a Marks and Spencer's-sponsored X-Factor advert? - is really about as evil as advertising get (one drop could turn you into Louis Walsh, who for reasons I can't quite fathom, I find to be the most hateful man on television).
In the Xmas 2011 ad a dozen or so X-Factor contestants - Craig Colton, Janet Devlin, Marcus Colins, Franky Cocozza, Little Mix, The Risk, Johnny Robinson, Kitty Brucknell and Misha Bryan - sing When You Wish Upon A Star from Disney's Pinocchio.
Marks and Sparks says that the ad is centred on the theme of "may all your Christmas dreams come true". Well, there are quite a few people in this ad whose dreams are being whipped out of their reach on a weekly basis in public at the moment. How's that for irony?
M+S says "the festive scenes will change during the course of the campaign", which should make for fascinating viewing.
Robinson and The Risk have already left, which will make subsequent versions of the ad fascinating: will M&S edit out the losers as if they're never existed or will they remain, a grisly reminder of the transience of fame; a touchstone for those whose dreams did not come true?
I for one shall watch entranced by this peculiarly post-modern experiment into how to fuck with the minds of the afflicted. Will it break the spell when Cocozza, a man who literally cannot sing, can be glimpsed in this Christmassy orgasm one minute and pictured slobbering over Jodie Marsh's tits - inevitably discarded by Cowell and Co before November's out - the next?
Will viewers become confused when Robinson does his inevitable gin-fugged 'Louis betrayed me' interview in a Red Top on Christmas Eve, while he can be seen twirling away in Marksies' very own vision of a corporate Christmas?
What will the kiddiwinks think when a tabloid sting reveals that [insert X-Factor discardee here] has been [insert sexual or controlled-substances act here] with [insert other faded celeb or Arab businessman here]? (Let's say Misha B, bagpiping and Christopher Biggins respectively for the sake of argument).
Steve Sharp, M&S executive director marketing, has this to say of the advert: "Our TV campaigns have become almost legendary – and for many customers mark the start of Christmas."
The start of Christmas for us - and the end of several Christmas dreams for those X-Factor contestants and their friends and families.
It's an irony almost too delicious to be savourable. In this one advert Marks and Spencer's has revealed everything that's secretly awful about X-Factor, about advertising, about alienation, about consumption and about Christmas.
Happy fucking holidays.
Edited to add: Oh, look. This should be interesting
Edited to add II:
Marks and Spencer will remove Frankie Cocozza from their multi-million pound X Factor Christmas advertising campaign after he was kicked off the show earlier today.
The retailer ‘swiftly moved’ to edit him out following his exit, which came amid allegations that he boasted about taking cocaine in front of production staff.
He will be cut from almost every broadcast of the commercial tonight, and will completely disappear from all versions supplied to broadcasters by tomorrow.
An M&S spokeswoman pointed out that the it was ‘designed’ to be edited as the series progressed so focus would be kept on the remaining acts. As a result The Risk and Johnny Robinson – who were eliminated at the weekend – will also be removed.
So, just to recap, the answer to the poser above - "Will M&S edit out the losers as if they're never existed?" - is yes. Trotsky must be pissing himself.
Bad luck Frankie. Bad luck Johnny. Bad luck The Risk. Your dreams do not come true. And they were only on loan to SYCO anyway.
Edited to add III (25 November):
Misha B has been edited out of the latest ad and replaced with Amelia Lily! What's beyond this, I wonder? Strong backing for the latter at bookies? Persistent reports of bullying from the former? Or Misha B's reported demands for more cash for appearing in the anchor role of the ad? Tune in next week!