Disgusting Haribo advert

Woah mama, what is this? Is it actually an advert? Or is it a stream of consciousness from a fevered ad exec, tongue lolling hideously from mouth, sweating and shivering in his soaked sheets, fretting about being unable to fulfil the Haribo creative brief?

It’s like it was vomited forth from someone’s subconscious. Someone only vaguely thinking about what a Haribo ad might look like.

“Umm, dancing family… eating sweets, chewy… er…. there’s probably a dog in there somewhere…”

And the lyrics, if you can call them that? They’re just a load of keywords from a creative brief arranged into some sort of vague structure aren’t they? Even so there’s a bit of an ooh-err missus feel to them:

“Oh so smooth; love them soft; squidgy squidgy baby!”

There are some fairly disturbing connotations right there. As for that terrible jingle, ‘the happy world of Haribo’, I’m unconvinced that I’d be overly happy living in the world of Haribo.

A world where everything looks and tastes a bit like rubber and no-one over the age of 25 has any teeth? No thanks.

Haribo seems to have acquired something of a reputation in recent years that makes even adults go a bit funny, like the way morons get excited about going to MacDonalds, as if it’s the greatest bounty one could wish for in life.

I’m happy to do my bit to puncture that notion. Haribo sweets are fucking horrible. They’re tasteless, they’re sticky and chewy, like a bit of gooey snot you can’t get off your fingers; they’re the sweet equivalent of White Lightning.

If you buy Haribo and you’re over the age of 10 you’re an idiot. Just not as much of an idiot as these adverts seem to think.