The Pepsi MAX Dicks

Imagine three shit-eating, post-preppy, Daddy-via-Harvard-educated dickwads. They vote Republican, play golf at the weekend, walked into golden-hello marketing jobs in Manhattan courtesy of their old school ties and and are vaguely racist.

They are called Brad, Colt and Rhinelander. If they lived in London every eighth word out of their mouths would be ‘banter’.

They enjoy MacDonalds, Pepsi, cocaine, Nascar, cage fighting, horrible volume lager (let’s say… Budweiser) and they keep a tally of how many women they can pick up in nightclubs and bum. They get 50 points each for a shag; but 1000 points for anal. They keep a tally using fridge magnets.

After the bumming they go to each others’ rooms (they definitely live together), high five one another and pass out on the couch with vomit, Pepsi and pizza on their faces; their noses weeping red tears due to the amounts of base they’ve shoved up them.

The Pepsi MAX Dicks

One of them is a closeted homosexual, but he dare not reveal this to the others – knowing that the torment he would endure if this were known by the others would be vicious and lasting.

Rhinelander once took a photo of his sister while she was sleeping – with his dick in her mouth. He posted it to Facebook and emailed all her friends with the picture.

Brad posted sex tapes of his ex girlfriend to as many pornographic websites as he could find. He also got his family’s Mexican housekeeper pregnant – then forced her to have an abortion. Soon afterwards she was sacked and deported, after Brad accused her of thieving.

All of them have many, many videos on their phones of them fucking prostitutes. One of them has all three triple-penetrating a particularly unlucky whore, their penises fencing with one another as they attempted to gain entry to their winking quarry. Afterwards they took turns to stuff $50 bills in her mouth – and then spat in her face.

Colt killed a small child while driving his Dodge pony car after necking 15 beers and four double vodkas. His father hired the best lawyer in New York to get his son acquitted.

Once, Brad and Rhinelander staged an elaborate stunt that made a mentally-vulnerable woman believe that the world was about to end so that Colt could have sex with her. Afterwards they filmed the woman on their smartphones and yelled ‘dumb slut!’ at the woman as she wept, trying to wipe the smeared lipstick from her face and pulling at her torn, bedraggled tights.

All three once threw quarters at a black toilet attendant, laughing as he scrambled to pick the low-denomination coins out of the puddles of urine on the floor. Rhinelander then maced him in the face. Afterwards they all opened a fresh can of Pepsi MAX and danced, while the toilet attendant squirmed and whimpered on the floor.

You can imagine these people if you need to. Or you can watch them in action in the new Pepsi MAX advert.