There are currently 24 adverts for Oak Furniture Land starring this young’n’old combination of actors, discussing furniture made of oak in various faded Britcom stylings. Twenty four!
I have nothing against oak furniture, nor the specific oak furniture that can be bought in Oak Furniture Land, and if you’re inclined to turn your living room into an identikit replica of the living room belonging to the person who lives next door, then more power to you.
If I ever find myself in a branch (arf!) of Oak Furniture Land I will immediately hand the nearest person a set of nutcrackers and beg them to castrate me. The same would go for any similar wood-based superstores. Pine Table World, Walnut Veneer Island, Beech Ottoman Empire – any of them. They’re places your young dreams, self-respect and very essence of humanity go to die. When you’re in Oak Furniture Land you’re not living, just existing. Like a weird limbo state you might see in a science-fiction series.
This is not specific to Oak Furntiure Land. Any place that sells carpets, furniture, paint, cushions, curtains, crockery. Any of that stuff. Just picture what you could be doing instead: eating a sandwich, wanking on the sofa, browsing the internet. None are especially aspirational, but I’d bet they’d be more enjoyable than spending a spirit-crushing Sunday afternoon in Oak Furniture Land thinking to yourself “this stuff is really fucking expensive”.
Follow this advice and I’ll have saved you three or four precious hours of your life – and several hundreds pounds for a tiny, largely decorative chest of drawers where you’ll keep your batteries, biros and old keys. Not to mention your soul.