For reasons detailed at length elsewhere on this site, Andrex makes me feel physically sick on a regular basis. Trying to make us think about defecation and bum-wiping during our Cornflakes, encouraging us to block up sewers with wet-wipes or that abysmal animated Andrex puppy spot. And now this ‘as clean as gold pants’ advert, which has only just come to light. They all make me feel physically sick.
Please, Andrex. I’m begging now. Stop these faux-coy, deliriously awful adverts where you try to pretend that people discussing their rectums – and what they do with them – is in any way normal or desirable.
Show me one person who likes your adverts: I’ll show you a 100 who hate them. Tell me why it’s important that you keep spending money to start a dialogue on arse-wiping: I’ll give you five better reasons why it’s not.
There’s an implicit suggestion here that it’s important to talk about the act of defecation and subsequent act of cleaning your backside – in the same way that it’s important to talk about drugs, sex and embarrassing illnesses. See how the adults chuckle shyly – see how the children love talking about bodily functions! You should talk about your bodily functions too! Like the children – see? If only you talked about poo more the world would be a better place.
Only it wouldn’t. It would not make one iota of difference. What’s more, holding children up as some paragon of artless wisdom only gets as far as recognising that children are pretty hopeless creatures. They can’t drive, they can’t wire a plug and they certainly can’t fill in applications for housing benefit.
When I was a child of a similar age to the kids featured in this advert I had a friend who used to drink his own spit. Yet there’s no suggestion that this would – in any way – be a particular pleasant or wise thing to do. I can’t really see the tagline “Andrex wants everyone to drink their own spit” getting much traction. And, frankly, ‘gold’ pants has some fairly unpleasant connotations when you think about it.
I guess Andrex has turned to children because it’s had such little luck in trying to convince us to vote in an online poll about scrunching or folding or discuss our faeces with Dawn Porter or Arielle Free. And, frankly, I think it’s all rather grubby, if you’ll pardon the pun.
There is hope, however. It turns out that, despite the toilet-bowls full of cash Andrex has thrown at these campaigns, people have better things to do than spending their available time discussing bowel movements or clogging up sewers with Andrex washlets which, despite Andrex’s claims, water companies say are not fit to flush down toilets.
All of which are reasons why Andrex has one of the biggest sections on this site devoted to it. How does Andrex make me feel? Pitiful, embarrassed, annoyed, bewildered, aggravated and physically ill. That’s how Andrex makes me feel.