I’ve never heard of Clean Bandit, which is one of those things that happens to you once you’ve left 30 behind in the rear-view mirror, squinting at a road sign. I’d never heard of them, that is, until someone pointed out what a truly diabolical advert they’ve been blackmailed into appearing in (so bad even 2000AD namechecked them in their flannel panel this week).
I say blackmailed, because there is simply no other reason anyone would debase themselves in this way. I mean sure, Dawn Porter is up for debasing herself, as she helpfully told us on the site, but no way would even she agree to something this dreadful unless someone had some serious dirt on her. And I mean worse than all those shit BBC3 ‘documentaries’ she presented.
No, Clean Bandit are being blackmailed by Microsoft, probably due to some unspeakable sexual activities they have engaged in, probably with each other and the higher echelons of British society. Grant Shapps, Piers Morgan, Jeremy Clarkson, Andy Coulson, Rebekah Wade, Katie Hopkins, Louise Mensch, Janet Street-Porter – people who everyone in their right mind thinks is a complete tosser.
And it’s really filthy stuff. I mean, obviously I can’t explain it for reasons of taste and decency but it just beggars belief. Or it would if it were definitely true. Either way, it’s literally the only possible explanation for this advert. It seems Microsoft have been blackmailing Clean Bandit for a while, because many of their videos are prefaced with the words “in partnership with Microsoft presents…”. Wow, isn’t that depressing?
As an aside, isn’t Clean Bandit the worst name imaginable for a band? I mean even before I watched this advert, that’s a bad name. I can’t stop thinking of the Wet Bandits from Home Alone. Nor the appalling sexual acts Clean Bandit must have indulged in, in order for Microsfot to have blackmailed them into doing this advert. Which is the only possible explanation for the existence of this advert.
I mean they do look incredibly embarrassed to be feature in this Cortana advert. I mean really ashamed of themelves. Just look at Neil as he says “You make me laugh Cortana!”. He’s putting his head in his hands and weeping; weeping for himself and his band and his poor parents who will have to endure this. And just for the sake of humanity and all that is good. He knows. He knows.
All of which has made me wonder exactly what Clean Bandit might beer asking Cortana over the next 12 months. I have some suggestions below – feel free to add your own.
• Hey Cortana, can you wipe our memories of this terrible event forever so we don’t have to double up in physical pain every time we remember it?
• Hey Cortana, is there any way of us ever reclaiming any credibility ever again?
• Hey Cortana, can we bribe everyone in the world not to watch this shitty Microsoft advert?
• Hey Cortana, can you find us a list of new agents?
• Hey Cortana, when will Microsoft stop blackmailing us to appear in their terrible adverts?
• Hey Cortana, what do you mean sales are slow?
• Hey Cortana, why isn’t the label returning our calls?
• Hey Cortana, what the fuck were we thinking?
• Hey Cortana, what can we do? WHAT CAN WE DO?
• Hey Cortana, whatever happened to Duffy?
Hat tip: Bruce Gray