Incredibly in this new Go Compare advert, the price-comparison company has managed to make the nation yell ‘OH STFU YOU UTTERLY DREADFUL MAN’ at the television whenever it hits the screens – and it’s not directed at Gio Compario.
This London cabbie – a cross between pud-loving spanking fan and ‘ingredients expert’ Greg Wallace, and weird former Sun editor David Yelland – blurts out a barely-comprehensible cockernee spiel about how ‘fantastic’ it would be if utterly humdrum and depressing online mortgage calculators existed. Which they do and have done for years.
But it’s more than that. It’s the way he repeats ‘fantastic’ in a way that’s akin to an attempt to condition the audience to think that anything to do with Go Compare is automatically amazing. Were he to have repeated ‘necessity at best’ or ‘depressing reality of modern life’ I’d’ve had more respect. I wonder how many times the actor playing the cabbie had to say ‘fantastic’ and look delighted in the filming of the advert. And how many times he said it before he wished he was dead.
And the way he speaks, for God’s sake. I mean, I know that these luvaduck cor-blimey UKIP-and-fry-up people probably exist, but do we really need them spewing their elongated vowels all over the telly? How is it possible to use 45 syllables in pronouncing the word ‘calculator’ (kaw-queue-lay-ar)?
Why the beatific gurgling noise, as if he’s discharging his dreadful cabbie semen over a Page 3 girl, when he spots Gio in his cab? Why the almost insane glee at a man listing the facilities on a price-comparison website that everyone is well aware of? Why isn’t he complaining about immigrants while picking a sausage buttie out of a crevice in his teeth?
This advert is not fantastic. Go Compare is not fantastic. Gio Compario is not fantastic. I hope Uber puts the bastard out of business. That would be fantastic.