If you dance while you’re cooking I have some alarming news for you. You don’t exist.
I know that’s a shock to the system and you probably didn’t see it coming, but I’m afraid you and your entire family don’t exist, apart from in the minds of some people who live within a mile of the DLR and work in advertising.
You were dreamed up as a way of convincing people that cooking needs to be attached to some other act to make it more exciting. Like CarFucking or SleepLearning or BathEating – because we’re all too busy to do anything properly and anything we’re compelled to do must be matched with some sort of aspirational leisure pursuit.
This is important because boring old food and stupid old cooking is insufficiently interesting to hold the attention of literally anyone these days. So #FoodDancing has been invented.
That’s where you come in, #FoodDancer, and it’s why you were dreamed up to fulfil a creative brief whose aim is to convince people to buy more kale, sausage rolls and Activia yoghurt.
But fear not, soon there will be real people who dance while cooking. So you can take some solace that your non-existence had some meaning. Soon you will be joined by, ooh, about 30 people who upload shaky portrait-orientated videos of them dancing stupidly while stirring a curry.
Those people will upload their videos to Youtube, Facebook, Snapchat or Instagram with the hashtag #FoodDancing. And somewhere in London some people will make a note of this and make a PowerPoint then show it to someone who works at Sainsbury’s who, in turn, will hand over a cheque for three million pounds.
So you see, while I understand that this is existentially terrifying for you, your non-existence wasn’t in vain. As you dissolve in nothingness try to be comforted by the fact that your fleeting life wasn’t completely wasted. And you inspired a vast social movement that encouraged people to fail around their kitchens as a Sainsbury’s read-meal slowly rotates in a microwave.
What Sainsbury’s says
Filmed in real kitchens all across Britain, this captures people experiencing the simple pleasure of dancing whilst cooking. Whatever your particular style of dancing, however you like to cook, that moment when you’re sizzling and jiggling away to a tune, that’s living well.
Sainsbury’s worked with UK Hip Hop artist MysDiggi, who incidentally had his first job at Sainsbury’s, to create a bespoke track and music video showcasing Britain Food Dancing.