AdTurds Keywords: Poo Chute Advert, Kia Bukakke

james corden advert

I haven’t done these for a while because most search terms are hidden from sight these days, in case websites start picking up on your predilection for Big Tits Ebony Cumshots, or suchlike. But they remain a fascinating, amusing and occasionally disturbing insight into what people are thinking and how they use the internet.

As I’ve said before people lie all the time, to everyone in their lives. But they don’t lie to search engines, the modern-day portrait in all our attics. Here’s a rundown of some that caght me eye, and some of my responses.

That people think these things is one, that they then bother to open up a search, type or speak it into their device and search for responses is fucking hilarious, sinister or tragic in equal measures.

I look at these terms and I think of the tweets that disgraced celebrities – Zoella and the ex-editor of Gay Times are reecent examples – having their horrible old tweets read back to them. And the alarm, disgust and horror writ large on the faces of people coming face-to-face with their own id.

That’s what these search terms speak of: the unconscious mind. Simple brainfarts and mind splurges and inexplicable, troubling impulses: to hear Davina McCall saying the word ‘cunt’; to look at the lady who plays The Admiral with no clothes on; to write the words ‘fuck Uncle’ into s search engine, presumably in some moment of listless sexual curiosity.

I guess in this way this is the closest thing you’ll get to an AdTurds Q+A. Don’t have nightmares.

• adam richman . is he in vipoo ad
I’m pretty sure he’s not but I can’t think of many better candidates for an advert where your shit stinks than a man famous for eating industrial quantities ot Mac’n’cheese.

• admiral girl nude
I can’t help with this, but you may enjoy THIS

• adturds feminism
I’m in favour of it.

• andrew castle is a cunt
I just wanted to include this one.

• andrex washlets are they flushable
No they are not, according to everyone apart from Andrex.

• annoying nationwide advert 2017
You may enjoy this.

• are people on toothpaste adverts really dentists
Apparently so, though the civvies are often played by actors.

• are the goats in the hsbc ad really up the tree
Yes, according to this post on Facebook:

• ban strutters v builders
Something even a search engine cannot achieve.

• beagle street advert chavs
Not sure what Beagle Street was going for with its adverts but I’m guessing it wasn’t ‘chavs’

buzzcocks mcdonald advert
A search term that continues to pain me.

• camilla arfwedson feet
Can’t help with this one.

• cheeky volvic
Ugh. One from the archives.

• cheryl baker naked
This remains of the most unerringly (and bafflingly) popular search terms on AdTurds. (To figure out how and why I searched for this term and discovered that there are people on the internet who believe that Cheryl Baker shot a topless scene in the film Die Hard.)

• cheryl bakers tits
There we go again.

• chris kamara advert awful terrible bad
Awful terrible bad bearely scratches the surface of anything Chris Kamara is involved in as far as I’m concerned.

• davina mccall saying cunt
I’d like to think such a video exists.

• does mo farah advertise uncle ben
No, he advertises Quorn.

• does the girl advertising admiral insurace have a funny eye
I don’t think so. Though the character does have DISTURBING SEXUAL TENDENCIES.

admiral tv advert

• dreadful andrex advert
These advert were truly hated in 2017.

• ed sheeran banal
Incredibly grateful to see the ‘b’ in this search term

• fuck off go compare
Do people think that by typing something into this into a search it might happen? And how long until someone figures out how to offer that service?

• go compare fat fucker adturds
Poor Wynne Evans, the man behind Gio Compario. In real-life he’s not that fat as it goes…

• how creepy is kevin bacon in those adverts?
Extremely. CLick here for more: MOLERAT.

• hugo boss is a cunt
I can’t comment on the veracity of this but, given he was a supporter of the Third Reich, he probably wasn’t a megadude.

• hungry house advert asian gay
An unusual reading of this advert.

I hate…

The ‘I hate’ section is always a good barometer of which brands’ adverts are particularly hated by readers. I’d say McDonalds, Nationwide, Lloyds, MoneySupermarket, GoCompare, Andrex, Haribo, Oak Furniture Land and Muller have been the main recipients this year.

• i hate andrew castle

• i hate oak furniture land

• i hate that fat turd james corden

• i hate the creepy harabo tv advert

• i hate the lloyds bank advertisement – why do we have to praise them?

• is run by a communist child?
Yes, this one.

• is it rob brydens real wife on the cruise adverts
This strikes me as unlikely.

• jade goody iceland
I don’t think this was ever a thing but she would have been so on-brand for the Iceland of 2010, had she not been dead.

james corden adturds
It pleases me that such search terms exist. And there are not inconsiderable – and growing – archives.

• kia advert nick knight 99% chance of rain

• kia bukkake
A baffling and confusing query.

• lesbian bdsm
A section I keep meaning to create.

• list of indian actors in tesco adverts
This is pretty disturbing.

• liverpool accent not good enough for tsesco advert

• macdonaldspunkgirl
Only included because I first misread it as McDonalds Spunk Girl. Which, judging by some search queries, is exactly what many readers had in mind when it came to the girl in the punk advert.

• man child tesco advert
I think you’re looking for Will Close, whose character in the Tesco adverts has obviously been murdered.

• mcdonalds whistle advert hate
One of my favourite search terms of the year – sounds like a Mark E Smith lyric.

mcdonald's punk advert

• money supermarket .com skelltor ad do they wear suits
I would be enormously concerned if the man playing Skeletor was not wearing a suit.

mr jackson the rapping teacher cunt
Mr Jackson sent me a nice message on Twitter, so while I still decry his adverts he seems like a nice man.

opal fruits
The brand that refuses to DIE

• poo chute advert
I refuse to believe…

• renault crossover advert whats it about

• rice dildo
Not a practical solution.

• rob brydon advert tesco
Still Ben Miller.

• tesco advert freddie
Fred’s dead baby, Fred’s dead.

tesco advert son

• the andrex adverts how true are they
If the adverts are about the washlets being flushable the answer is ‘not at all’

• tom adams prick
I really liked Tom Adams.

• travel lodge wifi shit
I love these tiny, anonymous insights into the lives of strangers that search terms afford me. And it brings a tiny glimmer to my heart that someone trapped in a Travelodge with shit WiFi ended up on AdTurds.

• tv advert showing couple at orgy escaping in car
I refuse to believe such an advert exists.

• vipoo advert
The most poular search term of the year, barring various iterations of ‘adturds’, ‘shit adverts’, ‘annoying adverts’ and ‘terrible adverts’

VIPoo advert

voltarol tennis advert
A bizarrely popular search term.

• we’re putting cum inside m&ms ad
Nope. No idea.

• wearing top naked from the waist down
There’s a scene featuring Julianne Moore from Short Cuts you’re going to love.

• what idiot came up with that ad in your so money supermarket
Someone at Mother who probably earned a million’s quid’s worth of cocaine.

moneysupermarket advert strutter

• whats the character name of the tesco carritt man?
I don’t know what this refers to, but The Carritt Man sounds like a Doctor Who baddie.

• when was the thank crunchie it’s friday advert
Still gets a runout from time to time, as does the Milky Way advert. I approve.

• when watching film on tv it interrupts the program with a advert, whats wrong?
Boy have I got news for you.

• where did the hive advert singing bard get his guitar
A guitar shop?

• where does the arnie robot in the ppi advert come from?
This strikes me as a deep existential question. Perhaps a reminder that adverts are not real life would be useful at this juncture.

• who is fantastic guy from go compare
It’s either Greg Wallace or David Yelland..

• who is that wanker on the direct line advert
You’re not narrowing that down.

• who is the actress in the natwest /topcat advert
That’s been bugging me and every time I see it I think she’s the girl who played Rachel Jordache in Brookside.

top cat halifax advert

• whos the woman on the iceland advert who had mental breakdown
If we’re talking about Iceland adverts I suspect there are several potential candidates.

• why are all toothpaste ads the same with the weird camera movements
I plead the fifth on this one

• why did james corden change the saying in the advert
As with James Corden’s motivation for virtually anything, I suspect the answer is ‘money’

• why do in hyundia car adverts do people always smile
Why wouldn’t you smile if you were in a Hyundai advert?

• why do people hate clean bandit
Because they’re dreadful? And because of the Cortana advert.

Clean Bandit Cortana advert

• why do they use fucking northern accents in fucking adverts
Northern accents are more trustworthy.

• why do toothbrush adverts use actresses with false teeth
I refuse to believe… etc

• why do they use overweight people for confused .com.adverts
I’d be surprised to find out this was a deliberate choice.

• why is greg wallace/such a twat
Probably because he had to go that Go Compare advert.

go compare taxi advert fantastic

• why is piers morgan such a cunt
For money. This is one of about a dozen queries about what a tosser Piers Morgan is.

• why tv adverts are bad
If I ever find I’ll let you know.

There you have it. Alphabetised, sorted, curated and commented. And if you think some of them are bad you should have seen the ones I left out…

Marmite Adverts

marmite print advert

“Why is Marmite so expensive?,” I found myself wondering

Brands can learn a lot form social media about Johnny Public sees them. And I have no doubt that most of them have someone dedicated to trawling Twitter, Facebook and Google Analytics for a steer on their public profile. But there’s another fascinating and accessible source if information on your brand – or anyone else’s for that matter.

It’s Google’s Autocomplete functionality that suggests searches based on what you’re typing into the search field. It’s very simple. If it looks like you’re going to type ‘why is the sky blue’ Google will start suggesting possibilities based on what it looks like you’re going to write – and other people’s popular searches, perhaps with an added dash of my search history.

For instance, if I type in ‘why is the sky blue’ on Google I get the following suggestions – note how it adapts to each new letter.

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There’s an algorithm powering these results that’s probably different for every user in every location – but fundamentally it’s populated by what people are usually searching for when they type those first few letter. Google seems to have a little fun, however, there’s always at least one weird result in there when you start typing. I can’t begin to fathom ‘why is the rum gone’, for example.

Things can also get weird at early stages of other searches. Typing in the words ‘why is my’ always seems to result in some sort of variation of a query asking why shit or piss is a certain colour. Presumably someone types this stuff into a Google search bar somewhere. Who knew that so many people were so concerned about the colour of their bodily waste? Maybe there’s a future spot for Andrex to investigate.

Anyway, I’ve long mulled the possibilities this insight into searches lends. As I’ve said elsewhere, people don’t lie to search engines in ways they do lie to themselves or other people – so it’s the closest to reading other people’s minds you’ll ever get. But it’s also valuable in ascertaining what people think of other people, places, things – and brands.

Mrs AdTurds came back from her daily toil with news of a recent purchase – one of those massive jars of Marmite. She’s a massive fan of Marmite – as am I – I even bought her a personalised jar for Christmas – but I found myself pondering why Marmite is so expensive. It is, after all, essentially the stuff that’s scraped out of fermentation vessels – a salty byproduct of making beer. Is appears I’m not alone in wondering this, given Google’s automatic suggestions.

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It might have some uses if you’re one of those people who works in brand perception. Fundamentally though there’s some fun to be had with stuff like this, as an insight into what makes people tick. I’ve discerned, for example, that some people believe Marmite will go well with prawns, chicken or even porridge, though ‘marmite with ulcers’ is a worrying one.

Apparently Nigella Lawson suggests you make a dish called Spaghetti with Marmite – and Marmite Butter. Heston has his Marmite Consomme; Jamie has Marmite Popcorn; the Hairy Bikers cheese and marmite tarts. Oh, all of them are easily findable on the web if you know what you’re looking for, but simply by typing ‘Marmite’ and whatever variation of keywords you’re interested in can unearth some gems. My suggestion? Use with some leftover pastry and cheese to make some supercharged cheese straws.

Needless to say lots of people are confused by Marmite, many hate it and even more love it. And apparently you can buy knickers with Marmite on them – imagine wrestling the trousers off a beau to find them staring at you.

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Anyway, here’s some Marmite adverts from times gone by. I’ve always been a mark for Marmite but even if I weren’t you’ve got to hand it to a company that acknowledges and even plays up the fact that a lot of people loathe it. Bit like George Osborne really.