How Twitter Reacted To The Clean Bandit Cortana Advert

With opinion crystallising around the idea that the Clean Bandit Cortana advert is ranked somewhere between the explosion of Krakatoa and 90s soap opera Eldorado in terms of Bad Things, I wonder how Clean Bandit have viewed the last month. That is, assuming they can view anything, what with the amounts of bank notes Microsoft has been explosively ejaculating in their direction for most of 2015.

I’ve had my say on the Clean Bandit advert already – as has most of the internet – but bad adverts are meat and drink to blogs and websites, whose job it is to scorn stuff like this. For a real snapshot of how the group’s Cortana advert has gone down we need to look at social media – if stuff goes down badly on the likes of Twitter, increasingly taken over by vlogging twerps, you know you’re in trouble.

I’ve got some filthy news for you, Clean Bandit. The people who inhabit Twitter, one of the easiest audiences to impress, think it’s a shitter. The words cringe, embarrassing and die are used most frequently in reference to the ad – and something truly awful becomes apparent.

Even though people hate it, their cringe muscle is even more exercised than their hate muscle. People don’t hate Clean Bandit for this advert; they actually pity Clean Bandit for being in their advert.

See what you make of the following responses from Twitter, Vine and Youtube and ask yourself if the band will ever recover from their awkward dalliance with Cortana.

What Clean Bandit Should Ask Cortana For

Class A drugs?

Career Ruined

Is this a new Duffy Diet Coke ad in the making?

Even MPS Are Dissing Them

Stella Creasy MP just pwned Clean Bandit.


Genuine fury, randomly directed.

Was It Worth It? / Change Your Agent

How much money could possibly be worth all this?

No Words

Clean Bandit Fans

Even Clean Bandit fans – or erstwhile Clean Bandit fans – are appalled.


Nailed it.

Reverend And The Makers identify just what Clean Bandit can expect to have shouted at them forever

Cortana / Clean Bandit Media

Lots of people can’t rely on words to express their fury.

You make me laugh, Cortana


Cringe, Embarrassment And Shame

The Cortana advert is provoking a lot of physical reactions across the land.

Worst Thing Ever

Of course, the vast majority of people were simply moved to describe just how nakedly appalling the whole enterprise is.

Clean Bandit Cortana Advert

Clean Bandit Cortana advert

I’ve never heard of Clean Bandit, which is one of those things that happens to you once you’ve left 30 behind in the rear-view mirror, squinting at a road sign. I’d never heard of them, that is, until someone pointed out what a truly diabolical advert they’ve been blackmailed into appearing in (so bad even 2000AD namechecked them in their flannel panel this week).

I say blackmailed, because there is simply no other reason anyone would debase themselves in this way. I mean sure, Dawn Porter is up for debasing herself, as she helpfully told us on the site, but no way would even she agree to something this dreadful unless someone had some serious dirt on her. And I mean worse than all those shit BBC3 ‘documentaries’ she presented.

No, Clean Bandit are being blackmailed by Microsoft, probably due to some unspeakable sexual activities they have engaged in, probably with each other and the higher echelons of British society. Grant Shapps, Piers Morgan, Jeremy Clarkson, Andy Coulson, Rebekah Wade, Katie Hopkins, Louise Mensch, Janet Street-Porter – people who everyone in their right mind thinks is a complete tosser.

And it’s really filthy stuff. I mean, obviously I can’t explain it for reasons of taste and decency but it just beggars belief. Or it would if it were definitely true. Either way, it’s literally the only possible explanation for this advert. It seems Microsoft have been blackmailing Clean Bandit for a while, because many of their videos are prefaced with the words “in partnership with Microsoft presents…”. Wow, isn’t that depressing?

As an aside, isn’t Clean Bandit the worst name imaginable for a band? I mean even before I watched this advert, that’s a bad name. I can’t stop thinking of the Wet Bandits from Home Alone. Nor the appalling sexual acts Clean Bandit must have indulged in, in order for Microsfot to have blackmailed them into doing this advert. Which is the only possible explanation for the existence of this advert.

I mean they do look incredibly embarrassed to be feature in this Cortana advert. I mean really ashamed of themelves. Just look at Neil as he says “You make me laugh Cortana!”. He’s putting his head in his hands and weeping; weeping for himself and his band and his poor parents who will have to endure this. And just for the sake of humanity and all that is good. He knows. He knows.

All of which has made me wonder exactly what Clean Bandit might beer asking Cortana over the next 12 months. I have some suggestions below – feel free to add your own.

• Hey Cortana, can you wipe our memories of this terrible event forever so we don’t have to double up in physical pain every time we remember it?

• Hey Cortana, is there any way of us ever reclaiming any credibility ever again?

• Hey Cortana, can we bribe everyone in the world not to watch this shitty Microsoft advert?

• Hey Cortana, can you find us a list of new agents?

• Hey Cortana, when will Microsoft stop blackmailing us to appear in their terrible adverts?

• Hey Cortana, what do you mean sales are slow?

• Hey Cortana, why isn’t the label returning our calls?

• Hey Cortana, what the fuck were we thinking?

• Hey Cortana, what can we do? WHAT CAN WE DO?

• Hey Cortana, whatever happened to Duffy?

Hat tip: Bruce Gray