Microsoft Songsmith Advert

Some ads are so disgustingly awful that there’s nothing really to add to them. It seems unlikely that there’s much that can be added to this to make it more truly awful, hideously annoying and fundamentally shit.

One of the more obvious elements of it is just how blackboard-scratchingly bad the little girl’s voice in the ad is, like Bonnie Langford after inhaling a Goodyear blimp. And then, just how awful does the music on Songsmith sound? It’s like the 20 years since the early Bontempi drum loops and 16-bar blues, swing and jazz chord progressions never happened. And “Microsoft huh? So it’s pretty easy to use?” Fuck off!

Adam and Joe did a very fun skit on this one of their shows a couple of years and the two things they picked up were as follows. Firstly, what father has never heard his tween daughter sing? EVER?

Secondly, why isn’t the man who decides to use a terrible children’s toy to soundtrack his appalling jingle for glow-in-the-dark towels immediately fired? That is, assuming he has a job. Or a family for that matter. It’s easier to just assume the whole thing takes place in the mind of a raving lunatic, bound and gagged in a padded cell somewhere.

Or if he wasn’t at the time he suffered this psychotic episode, he obviously was shortly thereafter.

Anyway, beyond this shocking advert, there has been some good to come out of Songsmith, namely a raft of amusing take-offs of popular songs using the benighted software.

This one, using Motorhead’s Ace of Spaces is our favourite.

X-Box Live Advert

Every time I see this ad I assume it’s another one of those frightening ads for the tell-tale signs of a stroke, such is the odd expression on the face of the girl watching.

The girl in question has such massive lips it’s hard to believe the brief for casting wasn’t simply: “Just find someone who looks really fucking weird.” In the world of ads anything that is noticeable – for absolutely any reason – is pure gold; hence the amount of ads that contain absurdly-faded celebs, midgets and odd-faced girls.

This ad annoys several people I know, purely because of the stupid lop-sided look on the girl’s face. It’s a look of such astonished wonder that it’s impossible to conceive of anything that could warrant such a reaction. A hippo giving birth to a reincarnated Elvis, perhaps. Boris Johnson vomiting rubies at the Queen. Or Piers Morgan simply being repeatedly punched in the face.

I find the fact that the film in question is The Dark Knight – a film unlikely to inspire any emotion other than depression – is absurd in several ways. Firstly girls don’t like fantasy or comic books; secondly girls are generally unable to sustain the level of attention required not to talk through an entire sodding film.

Anyway, then you realise that the back of the girl’s head is a sort of cinema. Or something. I suppose it’s all meant to convey the impression that watching a film is an utterly astonishing experience.

Currently the most popular films on X-Box Live are Yes Man, Zack and Miri Make A Porno and Transporter 3.

If you looked in the back of my head when faced with these choices, you’d see me walking over to the TV and X-Box, turning them off and heading to the pub.