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6Nov/1410

John Lewis: Weep And You Weep At Maths

It's that time of year when John Lewis returns to not simply tug at your heart-strings, but tighten them to such a degree they nearly snap and then pull at the with the force of a scramjet, thereby ripping them out of your chest cavity and leaving a trail of bloody viscera across your living room.

Here's what I identified - and predicted 100% correctly - as the main ingredients for a John Lewis advert last year, followed with my assessment of this year's effort.

• Animals - Check. This year it's a penguin called Monty who has attracted his own hashtag, so simpering berks can tweet their soppiness to a disinterested nation.

• Sadness - Check. Monty is sad because he doesn't have a mate. Probably because he's a penguin living in Upper Forty-Five-Penceborough.

• Snow - Check. We see Monty and Sam (for that is the young lad's name) larking around in some snow, probably filmed in August.

• Anthropomorphism - Check. We have a penguin behaving as if it were a human. And is actually a cuddly toy.

• Love - Check. Sam loves Monty. Monty wants to love another penguin, but can't. Because he's a penguin and therefore has no concept of emotions. Although he can, because he's anthropomorphised. Sam gives Monty a mate - she is called Mabel. Both have their own Twitter profiles, for God's sake.

• Nice visuals - Check. One million quid's worth.

• A cover of a sad song - Check. Tom Odell weeping John Lennon's Real Love.

You could set your clock by John Lewis adverts - not simply by when they turn up, but exactly what ingredients and in what order. It's an equation, refined and reduced by lots of cash, but an equation nonetheless, designed as dispassionately and as calculatedly as engine mapping on a new car.

Weep and you weep at maths.

More of this nonsense:

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  • christmas_love

    “Get me up pop, get me pop. Flying down to To-k-yo” – lyrics from the Very advert sung by Sarah
    Millicans nan Blanchet Du Trout. Ill stop now sorry only having a laugh Blanchet dont start squarking

  • christmas_love

    “Get me up pop, get me pop. Flying down to To-k-yo” – lyrics from the Very advert sung by Sarah
    Millicans nan Blanchet Du Trout. Ill stop now sorry only having a laugh Blanchet dont start squarking

  • christmas_love

    and the Very advert with seagull face babe in it, what bloody Twat face thought those musical instruments used were good? It sounds like an elderly woman screeching and having a conversation with her cat after falling over pissed. Lidl is a “Uuuuurrrrgggh” advert as well, bunch of pretentious yuppie cunts probably all bought each other iPhones and ignored the terrible news again because that’s what they do

  • christmas_love

    and the Very advert with seagull face babe in it, what bloody Twat face thought those musical instruments used were good? It sounds like an elderly woman screeching and having a conversation with her cat after falling over pissed. Lidl is a “Uuuuurrrrgggh” advert as well, bunch of pretentious yuppie cunts probably all bought each other iPhones and ignored the terrible news again because that’s what they do

  • christmas_love

    I posted a friendly love version as it’s Christmas and I mostly didn’t expect the original to be posted. The worst advert that Santa is disgusted by is the aldi ad that sellout weak shit of an advert. The boy gooey marshmallow voiced “what do you call a man with a spade on his head” made me sick with rage and the woman who says something unbearable to me, its like,”its peter, something something turkey” cue over done X 100 billion laughs from the shittest actors ever. Love Christmas I do

  • christmas_love

    I posted a friendly love version as it’s Christmas and I mostly didn’t expect the original to be posted. The worst advert that Santa is disgusted by is the aldi ad that sellout weak shit of an advert. The boy gooey marshmallow voiced “what do you call a man with a spade on his head” made me sick with rage and the woman who says something unbearable to me, its like,”its peter, something something turkey” cue over done X 100 billion laughs from the shittest actors ever. Love Christmas I do

  • Pingback: Best and Worst Christmas Adverts 2014 | AdTurds - Adverts that are shit()

  • Coltcabunny

    Penguins are from the Antarctic. How exactly are they Christmassy?

  • Coltcabunny

    Penguins are from the Antarctic. How exactly are they Christmassy?

  • Chris

    I despise these Christmas John Lewis adverts. I despise the people who sit around a table in a meeting room and spend weeks putting it together and then presumably feel like they’ve changed the world.

    I despise the fact that they think we are so emotionally stunted that this tedious, farcical, cynical recipe can be baked every year to have us crying into our wallets.

    And most of all I despise the fact that it is succesful because that tells me that we are as stupid, infantalised and shallow as they think we are.

  • Chris

    I despise these Christmas John Lewis adverts. I despise the people who sit around a table in a meeting room and spend weeks putting it together and then presumably feel like they’ve changed the world.

    I despise the fact that they think we are so emotionally stunted that this tedious, farcical, cynical recipe can be baked every year to have us crying into our wallets.

    And most of all I despise the fact that it is succesful because that tells me that we are as stupid, infantalised and shallow as they think we are.

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