The Worst Adverts Of 2022: Vote

Worst adverts of 2022

Hello, it’s been a while. I popped out for nappies and forgot who I was for the last three years.

I looked at the hellscape of 2020 and I wondered what the point was. Also I became a Dad, therefore trading sleep, inspiration and cognitive function for eternal genetic slavery to a mini-me that is comfortably the most disorientating, exhausting and expensive thing I have ever done that resulted from having sex.

With a pandemic to add to the equation, everything else paled into insignificance, especially the new Windows Direct advert. But I sensed, like Batman coming out of a particularly long sulk, that I was once again needed. I looked around and, bafflingly, things were even more shit than they were when I was juggling a newborn, a full-time job, and a non-functioning N95 respirator the government had paid Michelle Mone £36m for. I rose from the couch, groaned at my bad back and promptly sat down again. And then I started typing…

With Christmas barely farted out onto the sofa of “I’m not ready to go back to work yet’, it’s tempting to think of the modern Tory Party as a particularly awful Dickensian construct playing out the worst update of A Christmas Carol yet. If it were a Dickens character it would be called Obadiah Slyme. The UK still feels like it’s trying to shrug off the deathly hand of its very own three ghosts of 2022, only this time instead of trying to make a miserable person happy, they were… well, you can probably see where this is going.

Worst ads 2022
The ghost of Christmas Future pops up to let you know that everything is fucked

And what a trio they make. Johnson, the shambling old, sexually-incontinent duvet filled with pumps; Truss, the class dunce who think’s she’s actually headmistress; and Rishi Sunak, a man who embodies small dick energy by simple virtue of his height and, well, being a dick.

It’s perhaps no coincidence I started this blog in earnest in 2010 – and arguably it’s been more useful than the official opposition during that time. When Sunak and the last four Prime Ministers were asked whether they thought the Conservative Party had governed the country well over the last 13 years only 20% ‘somewhat agreed’ with that sentiment, with three of them going for ‘don’t know’ and a confused Truss simply writing “Liz Truss” on the ballot.

What’s this got to do with the adverts, then? For me it’s increasingly hard to distinguish where all the Bad Things start and end. Media, politics, war, Instagram, TikTok, OnlyFans, Jake Paul, Andrew Tate, Nigel Farage… we’re all advertisers now (also let’s pray that’s the last time we see OnlyFans and that braying, warm-beer-quaffing grifter mentioned in the same sentence).

Humanity seems fully signed up to the arms race of making everything baffling, unreal and terrifying because people are so much easier to control when they’re frightened (hello Verisure), stupid (hi Twitter) – or have literally no idea what to believe (that’ll be you, Asynchronous Warfare). The Northern Boys’ viral hit Party Time – with its exploration of rampant substance abuse, cheap sex and eventual suicide seems like the only sensible prescription for our current omnishambles.

top 10 worst adverts 2022
The only sane reaction to life in Britain in 2022

Advertising – and what all the world’s lunatics gleaned from it – is the most obvious weapon used against us. Black is white, up is down and Suella Braverman isn’t a fictional witch made real whose only genuine enjoyment in life is the fanny flutter she gets when a migrant boat capsizes in the Channel. Our dystopia is real and it’s now – and we’re swallowing it down with lashings of Deliveroo, Amazon and that stupid Youtuber drink.

Well I’m not buying what they’re selling. And – at the insistence of at least 30 people – I’m back, pending fatherly responsibilities. Here are your worst adverts of 2022.

Asda / Elf advert

If spaff-drenched incels can convincingly AI Emma Watson’s face onto a spitroasted porn star, why on Earth can’t Asda do any better than a BBC-era Red Dwarf approximation of Will Ferrell talking awkwardly to some of their zero-hours-contracted staff while discussing Cif?

The concept here is not new: you remember this, you like this, so we’ll destroy it for you. But why must this stuff look as bad as an 90s advert that photoshops Ian Wright into a Martin Luther-King speech?

Will Ferrell has probably got a fucking packet, but can anyone muster the semblance of belief that the unnervingly tall Hollywood superstar could even set foot in one of Asda’s glorified meat raffles without chundering directly into the faces of anyone within a radius of 50 feet?

Santander advert – Bank of Ant & Dec

Is this the year lovable scamps Ant & Dec jumped the shark? The fun-sized TV hosts have endured a rocky patch of late, first with The One With The Forehead going public with his drink problems, and subsequently the twosome overseeing what looked like a post-apocalyptic version of perennial favourite I’m A Celebrity on a wet weekend near Rhyl. Still, having offal dumped on your head at an abandoned castle in return for a half a cabbage and a dead pigeon felt like invaluable prep for pandemic-ravaged, post-Brexit Britain.

The Geordie Geuo have been pretty careful to avoid advertising anything much over the years – beyond their hair transplants – no doubt being mindful of the value of their capital. In a poll of ‘most trustworthy celebrities’, Ant & Dec beat off competition from the likes of Captain Tom, the Ghost of Terry Wogan and even God. So the tykes must have thought long and hard before committing to this tortured Bank of AntandDec campaign, which sees them pretending to run a bank or something.

Santander says it has made customers 3% more likely to not brick their windows. The question is, is this the moment the country starts falling out of love with the Tyneside twerps? No-one stays at the top forever, after all.

Ant – it must be said – must be finding it increasingly hard to pull off the ‘cheeky youngster who is escorting your daughter to the Prom’ shtick, increasingly resembling a sad Toby jug topped off with a mound of sculpted chocolate ice-cream that’s adorning an out-of-reach shelf in a country pub. Only 25 more Jungles to go, lads.

Schofield / We Buy Any Car advert

I’m utterly impervious to the supposed delights of Phillip Schofield, a man I have detested since his broom cupboard days, when he ruled the airwaves as a frightening combination of hospital radio disc jockey and President of Plymouth University’s LGBT Conservatives club.

Schofield is, of course, one of those people you’re not allowed to dislike – much like Olivia Colman or Willy Wonka. But his reinvention as some sort of ironic television legend sticks in my craw. Whether he’s sharing a selfie with Boris Johnson, pretending to corpse over a carrot shaped like a cock on This Morning or being a knob to Carter USM I find the man deeply irritating. And that’s before the last five years of adverts for the much-hated WeBuyAnyCar (a company whose entire value proposition is that it pays you under the odds for your car) that pitch him somewhere between Yoda, Buddha and Eusebio.

Still, 2022 wasn’t all bad. Having jumped the queue to stare at a corpse, he was swiftly dumped by WeBuyAnyCar for a TikTok personality – perhaps the only job title more damning than ‘local character’. Schofield – or Supreme Lord Schofe as we will all be forced to call him in whatever Hellish dystopia 2023 has in store for us – has 4.4 MILLION followers on Twitter. Reflect on that and tell yourself we’re not totally fucked.

Ian Botham Revitive advert

With the quiet determination of a man intent on shitting over whatever’s left of his legacy comes Lord Beefy Botham of Brexit, lumbering across a field with all the elan of a concrete sumo wrestler. He’s here to extol – or not – the possible advantages of the Revitive Circulation Booster, a device that could stop your legs hurting. Or not.

Quite whether a man who is clearly morbidly obese is the best person to extol the advantages of Revitive is up to the company, though they might have expected him to deliver his lines with slightly more panache than an Ikea Billy bookcase. And to anyone who has followed Botham on Twitter, it’s certainly not obvious that he needs any help with blood circulation.

Marc Jacobs / Daisy advert

Is there a less deserving smugness that’s the unearned self-satisfaction of perfume adverts? They all give the impression of being on on a massive joke you’re not invited to be part of – and indeed they are. Because you could throw a dart into any of those shelves at the local B&M and hit a bottle that is more expensive by weight that enriched uranium. That’s the joke – there’s this smelly stuff you don’t actually want that costs more than a 2kg tub of Flora that you’re going to end up buying anyway. You’re not in on it because you’re the mark. The Marc Jacobs advert makes it explicit: they’re laughing at you.

I’m reminded of Matt Hancock – the man Harold Shipman would’ve aspired to be; the man who invented the most harrowing bushtucker trial of all, namely to be immunocompromised in a care home and then have hot Covid poured over your head – basking in the soupy embrace of I’m A Celebrity, nourished by the empty validation of telly-poll voters spattering all over his hairless, underdeveloped chest and childlike but still thinning pate.

You just know Hancock – a man up to his neck in stuff a lot more filthy than wallaby bell-ends – will take his meagre outback triumph and parade it as justification for his entire way of life, his party’s disastrous handling of Covid, a whole ideology. He’s never going to have that smile wiped off his face, no matter how unjust, how utterly unfair, that is. And that’s what makes this Marc Jacobs advert so infuriating. There will never be any comeuppance, not for Matt Hancock – and not for whoever came up with daisy, daisy, daisy or the hordes of idiots who exist in the whole wretched industry.

Domino’s advert

In this blog’s heyday the airwaves were packed with adverts that were explicitly designed to annoy. That trend seems to have largely disappeared, but there’s always one, eh? Domino’s Pizza – pound-for-pound the most expensive material in the known universe after anti-matter – fulfils the same function in my life as service stations and Wetherspoons toilets: usually something related to my stomach and only when absolutely unavoidable.

This alleged takeaway business, which seems largely in the business of delivering cold food matter incorrectly and several weeks late, certainly has chutzpah. In this latest advert featuring the infuriating Domino’s yodel – a sound even worse than listening to Julia Hartley-Brewer achieve orgasm – the company delivers some steaming hot pizza to three castaway guys at the mere sound of the summoning cry.

To anyone who has waited, fruitlessly, for their very expensive pizzas from this company to turn up only for it arrive colder than the icy heart of Dominic Raab and all squashed against one side of the pizza box like Harry Redknapp’s face, the yodelling adverts where piping hot pizzas show up faster than Tommy Robinson at a terrorist atrocity are like corporate trolling in ad format.

Hyularonic acid / L’Oreal advert

“It’s just a word made up to make shampoo important,” howls Simon Pegg in Spaced (still the definitive record of my life from 2000-2003) when Jessica Hynes mentions PRO-V. Look it up and Pantene has a web page swooningly describing how ‘Swiss doctors’ stumbled upon the miracle cure for, er, dirty hair in the 40s and now it’s used by every single female in the world, including Miriam Margoyles.

Fast forward to 2022 and we need a new PRO-V, in case we forget how important shampoo really is. It’s hyularonic acid, the secret weapon in encouraging 33-year-old women to shell out a monthly EDF Energy bill’s worth in dollar pounds in the hope that their personal trainer looks up from his Insta account while forcing them toward their 50th squat.

In this ad the phonetics of hyularonic acid are explained in just the same way the supposed health benefits aren’t by a collective noun of 30-40-something American MILFs who look a couple of drinks away from explaining exactly why Trump was right about the Mexican wall all along.

Arla milk advert

There’s a very good reason why we don’t tend to enjoy the sound of real people singing, and that reason is that is that most people are fucking shit at singing. But in these relatable times we’d rather hear a tone-deaf junior accountant from Runcorn hailing the dubious delights of washing liquid than, say, Hayley Westenra because few of us can imagine an opera singer puzzling over whichever setting on the washing machine might be cheaper than a holiday to the Llŷn peninsula whilst also ensuring their bra doesn’t bobble.

It doesn’t matter that ‘real people singing’ is a phenomenon less inviting than a Piers Morgan column on unisex toilets, because we’re all tired of experts now. So we have to suffer through these ‘real farmers’ guffing something even worse into the atmosphere than the stuff from their cows’ arseholes that will condemn us all to societal collapse. Thanks a bunch Michael Gove.

Halifax advert – Stand By Me

Remember when banks weren’t our friends? When they were like austere headmasters who would just as soon give you a slippering then lend you twenty quid? Frankly I preferred them that way – you knew what you were getting – rather than the gaslighting friend who pretends they actually like you, rather than being a useful crutch when their favoured pals are away on holiday.

The creepy ‘let’s hang out’ vibe of modern bank adverts is the most overt manifestation of the shameless dishonesty of describing a relationship that is more akin to serf and robber baron: the banks fuck our economy to make their bosses richer – and we pay for it. In that context these ads are akin to a emotionally manipulative fair-weather friend sliding into your DMs late at night offering empty platitudes and vacant promises of commitment that you’ll read in the full knowledge they will ghost you the second you suggest going out for a pint because your relationship has ended.

Lloyds advert

Again with the genuinely sinister bank adverts. This one for Lloyds has the gloss, the swelling music and the total lack of awareness of a North Korean vanity project – all it’s missing are a million goose-stepping soldiers, a nuclear missile and a dubious wig. Nevermind the fact that Lloyds’ recent history is sketchier than Kanye West’s, the bank seems under the impression it is about as beloved as David Attenborough to the British public rather than reality of, say, the bloke who runs P&O Ferries.

I’ll leave it to Craig Ferguson, over on Facebook, to sum up the utter ghastliness of it all: “…[T]he sheer, unadulterated psychopathy of a sterile, profiteering dead-behind-the-eyes monolith attempting to manipulate you into thinking it’s your friend. It’s fucking terrifying.”

Worst adverts of 2022 – vote

OK, I’ve done my duty. Now it’s over to you. Vote for the worst adverts of 2022.

Created with Quiz Maker

worst adverts of 2022

Best and Worst Christmas Adverts 2017

So, it’s the Christmas adverts 2017. Christmas isn’t Christmas without your very own Christmas hashtag is it? I mean, a hashtag really is the true meaning of Christmas and if your advert doesn’t have one you’re the equivalent of one of those fictional councils that has banned Christmas.

I’ve copied below the titles that the various brands and companies came up with themselves and while you can see more keyword stuffing than a Christmas turkey, you’ll probably notice that most have their very own Christmas Hashtag. “Hashtag Aww”.

honey g christmas adverts 2017

You know what else Christmas is all about? Value. Like politicians addicted to promising to make the lives of ‘hardworking families’ slightly less shit than last year, brands have become utterly obsessed with offering ‘value’, by which they mean ‘cheap’, by which they mean ‘shit’.

That’s something references in plenty of these Christmas adverts below – from the V-flicking of Lidl to the orgy of badness seen in the advert for peacocks, which is responsible for a whole new alphabet to categorise just how far down the celebrity rung the ad’s stars are.

Compare these adverts to the Christmas adverts of a few years ago and the lack of celebrities is startling, as if the Brexit-hungry population might associate people who are not Norms as elite, and therefore hate them. In the place? Black, asian and gay people by the bucketload, thereby replacing celebrities as the hate-filled lightning rod for fruitcakes, saddos and bastards.

christmas adverts 2017

But usually it’s the same old stuff: Christmas lights, tables groaning under platters, snow, CGI animals and multicultural parties in a non-threatening commuter town.

They’re not all bad. Granted some of them made me bleed from various orifices, but it’s just about possible to watch most of these adverts without devolving into a pile of fats and proteins.

Vote for your favourite, tell me about your most-hated – or simply go and hurl a brick through the window of a drive-thru. Whatever gets you through the festive period basically.

Me? I’m off to Soho with a my boomstick and a chainsaw attached to the bloody stump where my arm used to be. I wish you a Groovy Christmas!

Christmas advert 2017

John Lewis Christmas Advert – #MozTheMonster

They say: Joe befriends a noisy Monster under his bed but the two have so much fun together that he can’t get to sleep, leaving him tired by day. For Christmas Joe receives a gift to help him finally get a good night’s sleep.

I say: I’m as immune to the supposed charms of anthropomorphised Christmas CGI so beloved of John Lewis as they are to my complaining about them. Suffice it to say that they needed to explain their advert, which either suggests an overcomplicated advert or a very stupid target audience.

Turkey, Every Which Way | Tesco Christmas Advert

They say: Every family has a different turkey tale… However you cook yours – from barbecuing to basting – we’ve got a turkey for you.

I say: The hashtag for this Tesco Christmas advert is, of course, #EveryonesWelcome. “Fuck that,” said the internet in response, “the Muslamics aren’t fucking welcome!” Tidings of comfort and joy and all that, eh?

So, two things here: I actually laughed out loud at the terse “Have you been basting it, Caroline?” that rings so true of Christmas Day tension exchanges.

Also I like it because it features a gay couple, black people and an Asian family celebrating Christmas. And if you have a problem with that I have a Christmas message for you: fuck you, you’re a cunt.

Best Christmas Ever | Asda Christmas Advert 2017 – Full Version

They say: Step inside the Asda Christmas Imaginarium to discover the magic behind everything we’ve created, so you can have the #BestChristmasEver

I Say: I like the look of this and the setting, Manchester’s beautiful Victoria Baths. There’s almost a bit of a Wes Anderson feel to bits of it. The idea is quite nice, featuring plenty of Borrower-style creatures making all of Asda’s foodstuffs, though you get the feeling it would be rather more honest if it features a load of Polish agricultural workers and various non-whites working for $3 a day.

Sainsbury’s OFFICIAL Christmas Advert 2017 #everybitofChristmas

They say: The 2017 Sainsbury’s Christmas advert squeezes every bit of Christmas into a wonderfully fun and festive song, sung by people all over Britain.

I say: I’m afraid I couldn’t watch this advert for more than five or six seconds, though I did have enough time to glean that Sainsbury’s is sticking to its cretinous food dancing theme, a running background chatter only slightly less appalling and moronic that Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

Aldi Christmas Advert ft. Kevin The Carrot 2017

They say: Kevin the Carrot is back this Christmas and he’s met someone special. Join him in his adventure across the dinner table and see all of the delicious festive food we have on offer this year.

I say: I guess if you throw some snow and a groaning table-full of festive fare into a £5m ad campaign it doesn’t really matter what else you do, so once again we have a carrot in peril from Aldi. I hope he gets grated or pureed – and his green tops turned into pesto -before next Christmas.

Marks & Spencer Christmas TV Ad 2017 | Paddington & The Christmas Visitor #LoveTheBear

They say: We can now reveal our Christmas advert – the tale of true Christmas spirit – with our favourite Paddington Bear

I say: There’s more cash been spunked on this than fake snow and none of it really aligns in any way with Marksies. Still, it’s hitting M&S customers – moneyed people frightened by change – right in the demographics.

Amazon Christmas Advert 2017 – ‘Give’ 60″

They say: See what happens when hundreds of Amazon boxes go on a magical journey, to send a smile this Christmas all whilst singing Roger Hodgson’s anthem “Give a Little Bit.”

I say: Top-notch soundtrack, though needless to say it’s completely ruined by non-singing people singing it, as is the fashion these days. And if those parcels knew they’d be slung over your back gate and left out in the rain they wouldn’t be quite so chuffed.

Christmas List – Morrisons Christmas Advert 2017

They say: Our Christmas adverts tell the story of three families and highlight the skills of our foodmakers and shopkeepers.

I say: I can’t find it in my heart to dislike Morrisons, who always seem to at least pay lip service to some of the more wholesome messages of Christmas – bonus points for the continuing voiceovers of Paul Copley too. If you want to be in a bad mood for a month take a look at the comments on this ad, which has the gall to feature a person who is Not White. Christmas Advert 2017 – Get More Out of Giving

They say: Follow the story of our big-hearted little girl as she spreads festive cheer by giving pink-wrapped gifts. Our heroine is accompanied by Ulfie, her much-loved toy wolf.

I Say: What happens if you cross The Snowman with The Box Of Delights – and add a touch of Stranger Things? This ad for

Bring Merry Back – House of Fraser Christmas Advert 2017

They say: this year, we’re recapturing that Christmas magic in our new advert with a much-needed trip down memory lane. Complete with paper chains, stick-on Santa beards and some quality family time, watch as two sisters fall back into their younger selves, reminded of the joy that Christmas can bring.

I say: House Of Fraser tracks down the very last Christmas song left unraped by advertising (though it’s not a very good one) and shows us the lifetimes of two sisters through a Christmas filter.

Boots Christmas | TV Advert 2017 | #ShowThemYouKnowThem

They say: This Christmas, it’s all about the thought. It’s about old memories and the new ones you’re yet to make. It’s about the secrets you’ve shared and the laughs you won’t forget. Most of all, it’s about finding the perfect gift to really show them you know them.

I say: Ooh, two sisters. This is awkward. Like when you turn up to a party and you’re wearing the same dress as That Woman You Hate. Especially when you’re a man. But I can never find it in my heart to dislike Boots adverts, which at least try to get somewhere close to depictions of real life in their Christmas adverts. Great soundtrack too.

TK Maxx ‘A White Christmas’ Advert 2017

They say: Yes, we’re actually doing this. You can get a White Christmas. To your door. For absolutely nothing.

I say: A lorry turning up to ejaculate snow all over your house is so on-brand for TK Maxx it’s ridiculous.

Waitrose Christmas TV Ad 2017 | #ChristmasTogether

Christmas is the perfect time of year to gather round and enjoy delicious food but, most importantly, to spend #ChristmasTogether

I say: The awful silence, the looks heavy with significance, the open hostility. Are the people snowed in at the Tan Hill Inn – Britain’s highest pub – going to… kill and eat their rescuers?

Argos Christmas TV ad 2017 – #ReadyForTakeOff

They say: Our Christmas ad is #ReadyForTakeOff! Watch our elf race through the snow to make sure no-one is disappointed this festive season.

I say: Argos warehouse workers get paid £7.71 at the time of writing – that’s 21p per hour more than the minimum wage. And it’s that extra half-bob that ensures Argos workers go that extra mile to deliver a toy robot dog to your house on Christmas Eve.

Creating Value in Every Moment – Matalan Christmas Advert 2017

They say: Christmas – it’s magical, fun and super-busy all at the same time! Find the value in every festive moment with us… #MatalanMoment
*An on-set vet was present to supervise Dodger the dog for the filming of our advert.

I say: ‘Value’ is a much abused word in this day and age – it should mean the worth, the desirability or merit we place in something. Instead it’s usually a euphemism for cheap and the drive for ‘value’ has led to a race to the bottom in this country. Result? Cheap, tacky crap and cheap, bad food. I’ll let you decide which definition of Matalan is going for here and which you most associate with the brand.

Beautifully Normal – Lidl’s Global Christmas Advert

They say: Clichés don’t make Christmas, it’s the moments that do.

What I say: A nice effort at subverting the Christmas schmaltz and spitting in the face of the rest of the pack but have you heard this fucking music? Nothing says Christmas like a vocoder-ed R’n’B semi-rap in a transatlantic accent eh?

Barbour Christmas Ad 2017 – The Snowman and The Snowdog

They say:This #BarbourChristmas, the story of The Snowman and The Snowdog continues with the next chapter in their story. When snow starts to fall on Christmas Eve, magic can happen…

I say: Who could find it in their heart to hate something that references something so beautiful, British-ly festive? And I wouldn’t begrudge Raymond Briggs a nice little Christmas windfall. Still, hijacking The Snowman with advertising is rather like tattooing SKY BET across David Attenborough’s face.

Sky Cinema Christmas Advert 2017

They say: Our Christmas adverts tell the story of three families and highlight the skills of our foodmakers and shopkeepers.

I say: I hate Sky. I hate the way they monopolise sport and films, I hate the associations with The Sun and the Murdochs and I hate the way they charge you so much for something and then stick adverts in the middle. And I hate the fucking Sound Of Music.

The tagline to this ad – nothing brings people together like a movie at Christmas always reminds me of a brilliant retort to a similar claim in an advert of yesteryear.

“Nothing gets a party started like Ferrero Rocher,” went the ad.

“Mmm, ecstasy does,” replied my chum to many chortles.

#YouShall Find Your Fairytale Christmas | Debenhams Christmas TV Ad 2017

They say: Our Debenhams Christmas TV advert 2017 is revealed…will they find their fairytale Christmas? #YouShall

I say: Debenhams seems destined to be always the bridesmaid and never the bride when it comes to Christmas adverts. In fact it’s not even the bridesmaid – it’s the woman from university who was somehow part of the friendship group even though she never fitted in and was invited only on sufferance. However lots of racists have been whining about it on the basis that there’s a mixed-race couple in it (and yes that is Ewan McGregor up a ladder) so it gets a pass from me.

Vodafone Christmas Love Story. Part 1: Love on the Platform

They say: There’s magic in the air when Martin meets a young lady who’s using her Vodafone Video pass to stream It’s a Wonderful Life, on the way home for Christmas. Watch as he hilariously bundles from a Jimmy Stewart impression to an ill-advised sermon on data usage in part one of our Christmas love story.

I say: Love On The Platform sounds like a DVD by Ben Dover, a grimy Carry On film of a man with a back catalogue of back-alley sex compilations: car-parks in Scunthorpe; garages in Poole; sewage works in Luton and the like.

Martin Freeman is still miles away from overexposure and there’s something reassuring about his everyman awkwardness but an ad campaign for a telecommunications company – somewhere between Inland Revenue and dentists on my list of ‘people I like having appointments with’ – might test it sorely.

Littlewoods Christmas 40″ Advert 2017 – Own it!

They say: Step into December with Littlewoods this year as we help you own every magical Christmas moment you have planned in your calendar. From putting up festive Santa decorations with your loved ones, to making sure you can create and capture your perfect Christmas Day filled with love and perfect gifts, we’ll help you own every moment – with a bit of extra sparkle and glitter.

I say: As a tagline ‘own it’ seems a bit rich from Littlewoods, whose USP seems to be that you don’t really own anything for several months, or even years, after you start paying for it. Putting Christmas on tick may not be particularly festive but it seems fairly par for the course in 2017. If that golf course is about to go bankrupt, anyway.

Geoffrey the Part Time Reindeer Toys R Us UK 2017

They say: Once upon a time, there was a giraffe called Geoffrey who ran a beautiful Toys ‘R’ Us store. It was Christmas Eve and Geoffrey was waiting for someone very special.

I say: If I were Toys R Us I’d just show the same faded, fuzzy advert from the 80s rather than this halfway ‘have-your-cake-and-eat-it’ house that drags Geoffrey into a charmless CGI Pixar update, like a colourised Laurel & Hardy film or After Effects-ed celeb face into a gangbang.

Merry Techmas | LG | Currys PC World

They say: At Currys PC world, our colleagues try out our products to give you the best advice. Looking to upgrade your TV this Christmas? The LG OLED 4k ready HD TV with Perfect Black and Perfect Colour gives outstanding picture quality.

I say: Merry Techmas everyone! A heartwarming tale of how a family laughs at the idea of sitting around a fire having a conversation with one another and instead offers a hi-tech television with ‘perfect black’. Makes the heart positively melt, like a Nazi’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

JD TV AD 2017: Undisputed Christmas

They say: Back and better than ever, have yourself an Undisputed Christmas this year, with our action packed TV Ad, featuring exclusives from Nike, adidas, The North Face, Ellesse, Under Armour and many more.

I say: Nothing says Christmas more than a bunch of happy slapping youths throwing punches at your grid.

TalkTalk: This is Christmas

They say: Here it is, our 2017 Christmas ad. Whether you’re after an Oscar for your ‘I *really* love my new socks’ performance or cosying down in front of the telly, our TalkTalk family have shown us just how much being connected to loved ones matters.

I say: Apparently this is TalkTalk’s Christmas advert but every time I catch in on telly I’ve been convinced it’s the latest instalment of THIS IS ENGLAND.

Carrot Stick | Christmas | Brand | TV Ad | McDonald’s UK

They say: McDonald’s 2017 Christmas ad is here. Time for everyone to get #ReindeerReady

I say: The idea that any McDonald’s outlet has anything approaching raw, unadulterated vegetables on it premises just seems laughable. And the idea of A Christmas McDonald’s advert seems as dissonant as replacing communion wine with a Jaegerbomb.

Peacocks Christmas Advert 2017 | #XMASFACTOR

Reader comment says: Oh my god honey G Is my idol I am now training to be her and am scheduled for plastic surgery in 3 days

I say: A chemical toilet of an advert featuring X-Factor rejects who would have been burned at the stake 300 years ago.

Gogglebox Meets Coca-Cola‘s “Holidays Are Coming” 2017

They say: See the families of Channel 4’s Gogglebox reacting to Coca-Cola’s iconic Holidays Are Coming ad, that has been gracing the nation’s screens for 22 years!

I say: I love Gogglebox and what works is that the people are honest, genuine and generally likeable. All of which is, of course, destroyed by throwing them into an advert and paying them to overreact to the approach of a truck carrying sugary drinks. Like co-opting a benevolent old man who gives you presents at Christmas into a Coke-wielding American brand mascot.

Vote for your favourite Christmas adverts 2017

Favourites? You tell me. I’ll take is as read the answer ‘none of the above’ will feature.

Christmas adverts of old

Refresh your memories of the best and worst Christmas adverts – sob pitifully at advertising or enrage yourself to vein-throbbing standards – of previous years.

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2016

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2015

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2014

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2013

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2012

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2011