Why I Hope Keith, Ian And Andy Are Killed In Action

Are there really any people like Keith, Ian and Andy out there? Three Everyblokes? The FooterBlokes? Three inoffensive, unremarkable, unfunny SleeperBlokes who can’t possibly be a duo in case people think they’re gay?

I find this brand of pretend Footy Banter utterly tedious, lazy, vaguely patronising and so far away from reality that they may as well be talking chickens.

See them take the piss out of one another – great banter!. See them perform inept footy tricks – top banter! Look at them over-celebrating football results – amazing banter! See them argue about football – hilarious banter! See them make up meaningless formations – legendary banter!

Needless to say it’s crushingly unfunny, like any advert featuring the ‘lads going to the footy’ meme, but by deciding to make Keith, Ian and Andy recognisable characters we’re somehow supposed to empathise with and find amusing.

But there’s absolutely no reason to. They’re annoying and a faintly insulting shit-sitcom archetype of ‘normal blokes’ who bear no relation to real lives – or real car-buyers – whatsoever.

And creating characters that a re named after the letters that make up the manufacturer’s name? Really? Why was this deemed a good idea? And can we see something similar with Jaguar Land Rover?

Apparently we can follow updates from the trio on Facebook– top banter! – and no doubt hear about the imaginary content of their pies and how they got lost but the Sportage’s satnav got them back on track and maybe how Keith had to stop by the side of the road to have a wee but fell over.

They are as interesting as a photocopy of a picture of Jeffrey Archer and as believable as a Premiership footballer reading Anna Karenina.

I hope their Sportage takes them to a remote part of Northumberland in seach of St James’ Park. I hope they pitch up at a remote farm, where they are rendered unconscious by a psychotic hermit. And then I hope that hermit welds Keith’s anus to Ian’s lips and stick Andy on the end so they can inflict their own dribbling shit on each other rather than the TV-watching population.

Top banter!