Sky’s Roll-Call Of Gibbering Sycophants

Surely these people know they’re helping hammer another nail into the BBC’s coffin? Surely they’re aware of how utterly awful they look with that kooky music bed? Surely they’re aware that they’re just saying stuff for the oodles of cash spunking straight from the withered cock of Rupert Murdoch? Surely no-one can be that absurdly bothered about technology? Surely they’re aware that you can use Twitter on your frigging phone, for crying out loud?

The worst one of course – and it’s surely no coincidence that it’s the only that Sky hasn’t uploaded to Youtube – is the one with Robert Lindsay and Ruth Jones gushing so much about Sky’s television output that there’s probably a small puddle of milp pooling under their dinner table.

In fact they look so in love with Sky’s generally-shit original output that they’re probably about to start felching one other, mumbling on about Game Of Thrones or Lindsay’s appalling spy programme between slurps and occasionally removing a pube from between their teeth. I might even pay to see that, just to see if mutual felching is actually possible. Just imagine that, while that kooky music is playing in the background.

The message in this one is that Sky’s television stuff is really, really good you know. Lindsay even has a not-at-all-scripted line along the lines of: “I have a friend who has always been very anti-Sky, but he said to me the other day, “I’m missing out.”

Here’s some news, chump. You’re not missing out. Anything worth seeing that’s on Sky can be got using cable or via the internet. I use Sky. I use Sky because it’s allowed to have a de facto monopoly on sport that I like to watch. And that’s all. The idea that there’s much intrinsic value in Sky’s output remains patently absurd, especially when compared to the BBC’s output, or even that of Channel 4 or ITV.

Still, we can get used to being force-fed this trash because Sky can continue to throw vats of cash at these celebs who we’re clearly supposed to love and respect. Well, not any more dickheads – everyone ere gets a huge black mark for participating in such an awful series of ads (and, let’s be honest, several of them will have already).

No doubt some commenters will be along shortly to start bleating about the free market. Well if this is the future you can stick your free market up your arse – and find some room for Lindsay, Jones, Bhaskar and Lumley while you’re at it.

And finally… take your stupid cap off you awful man. Or you’ll be ‘avin some of it, alright. Fishing in Daventry? Jesus H Christ.