Renault Kadjar Advert: Beach House

Renault Kadjar Advert: Beach House

The Renault Kadjar advert. I hate everything about it. The basics – the look, the car’s annoying name (what is that “d” in there for?), the fact the ad says nothing about the car at all – are awful, but then they are for 90% of car ads. But this single 30 seconds is so, SO much worse.

I hate the music – a phenomenally bad choice (a Chris Isaak song for a start) and terribly edited. I hate the Michael Bay cinematography. I hate how out-of-sync the dialogue is, which is especially weird since it’s clearly been filmed in English, so presumably the actors were aware of how terrible this was going to be and did it deliberately badly in the hope it wouldn’t be used, like Harrison Ford doing the voiceover for the end of Blade Runner.

But most of all I hate the couple in it. I hate everything they stand for and care about, although since that is clearly only themselves that’s not necessarily that much. I hate their “relationship”. I hate the way the dog is the equivalent of the furniture to them. I hate the look on the bloke’s face when he says “we’ll think about it” – said in the same way Donald Trump would look at a desperate Russian prostitute who’s just meekly voided both her bladder and dignity for his pleasure, and has had to request payment for such a service whilst surrounded by heavily armed Secret Service agents.

Renault Kadjar Advert: Beach House

I hate the way it treats divorce as if it’s just a stupid game about money and who-gets-what and not a cripplingly distressing period in which (speaking from personal experience) everyone feels thoroughly miserable, depressed and regrets all their mistakes, which I guess actually makes the ad some sort of uber-metaphor for the Brexit negotiations. Which now that I write that seems apt, since the couple are clearly so self-absorbed, deluded and consumed by their own mistaken belief in their magnificence that they end up fucking themselves just because they can.

The thing is that it’s one of only about five adverts (a roster that distressingly also includes the rapping Windows teacher) that feature on 4OD at the moment. So whereas on TV you’d maybe be unlucky to see an annoying ad a couple of times in an evening, I’m subjected to this three times an hour when I’m catching up on Come Dine With Me.

It makes me actively despise Renault. It makes me despise all 128,400 people who work for Renault (even that lovely Robert Kubica). It makes me despise everyone related to any of those 128,400 who work for Renault. It makes me despise anything Renault have ever contributed to global output.

It is so bad it makes me want Kim Jong-un to start testing his nukes on France. Thanks to the logo on the nose of that stupid red thing, I’ve even taken against quadrilaterals.

They did, indeed, do a bad, bad thing.

* Thanks to an anonymous – and very concerned – reader who sent this in