November 11 keywords: Stacey Solomon gammon?

For the last time this year I’ve trawled the AdTurds keywords from Google Analytics, which is increasingly like panning for gold in liquid shit.

For the uninitiated these are search terms used by people who ended coming to the site, so they provide a valuable insight into what people are looking for and, to an extent, what their views are.

Their views, it’s safe to say, are generally negative. Obviously there’s a chicken-and-egg nature to the kind of people who navigate to AdTurds, but there’s devil in the longtail – those long, unwieldy, unlikely searches that reveal a lot about what people think of bad adverts.

I’ve jotted down the ones that caught my eye – for whatever reason – from November.

“go compare” “fuck off” – 32 instances
fuck off halifax you cunts! – 10 instances
are gay people offended by the maltesers ad?
harvester comma
women stalking towards the camera en masse like post-feminist zombies lusting after a scarf – my take on last year’s M+S advert, appropriated by Janet Street-Porter
frankie cocozza crabs – this does not strike me as unlikely
freddie flintoff morrisons fucking idiot
is the little boy stacey solomabs real son iceland advert – several people seem to be under the impression that Stacey Solomon is called Stacey Solomabs or Shobalob
littlewoods christmas advert 2011 makes me cringe – you’re not alone; at the time of writing this ad is duking it out with Haribo to be named worst ad of the year
racist littlewoods advert
sick advert advertising gravy with dancing cow
wow its bracing cunt
adverts with les ferdinand
andrew castle is a warty cunt who promotes accidents – allegedly
argos christmas advert walking sperm
argos paedophilic bieber advert – quite a few people picked up on this – an advert where the 51-year-old Caroline Quentin (as an alien sperm) openly lusts after the 17-year-old Justin Bieber (not far off a sperm himself
at homebase we’ve everything you need to have a wank – I find this hard to believe
awful ad version of wouldn’t it be nice
barclays advert where are the man shoes from – a tough ask
big nose iceland adverts – one of several variations commenting on Stacy Solomon’s appearance
boots here come the girls adverts are fucking annoying
cadburys final countdown ad bizarre sinister
can someone stop the halifax adverts – no, I’ve been trying for years
carey mulligan covered in jizz – no joy here either


People are disgusted by the Colman’s gravy advert with a dancing gravy cow

coleman’s gravy advert disgusting
colemans beef gravu advert puts you off
colemans gravy advert controversy
colemans gravy advert disturbing
colemans gravy advert horrible
colemans gravy advert terrible
colman’s beef gravy advert animal rights
colmans beef gravy advert complaint
colmans beef gravy advert distasteful
colmans real meat juice gravy disgusting
complaint about new colemans advert
complaint gravy advert dancing

corsodyl advert does woman really have false tooth
direct line wank humour adverts
dishwasher with talking vagina tv commercial – I refuse to believe etc.
do you need id to buy the baileys dome gateau from iceland
does anyone else find robin brown annoying – hmm
does anyone else find the condensation outside on planitherm windows annoying – I find the Planitherm advert annoying
does anyone else hate the nandos noise?
double glazing cunts

EDF Energy

Not sure what these are about as yet – taking a leaf out of’s book?

edf energy advert actress bouncing breasts
edf energy advert bouncy
edf energy advert tits

frankie cocozza staring into space m and s ad


A frequent entry in keywords data for this site

fuck off and die morrisons advert
fuck off halifax
fuck off i’m not talking to rice uncle ben
fuck off jamie oliver
fuck off lloyds bank
fuck off nat west
fuck off wonga app on words
fuck the boots advert
fuck the fucking x factor
fuck two bitches a day advert – I refuse to believe etc.
fuck wonga
fuck you i’m terry wogan – I really hope Terry Wogan says this to people
fuck your adverts you cunts

fucking meerkat cunts fuck off you little twats – a sentence that might once have killed Mary Whitehouse stone dead

gravy boat craig colton – a bemusing and amusing juxtaposition


Halifax inspires dreadful anger

halifax advert choir man punch fist
halifax advert choir shit go and fuck with a cactus
halifax choir advert what utter shit
halifax choir adverts are such bollocks
halifax choir adverts terrible
halifax choir adverts the cunts
halifax choir annoying
halifax choir complaints

has your childs credit history been fucked up by
here come the fucking cunting girls
how come stacey solomon sings driving home for christmas she’s jewish
how does one complain to itv about littlewoods advert
how scary does bruce look in the morrisons advert
iceland advert she never eats anything
icelands shit on a stick
is the kid in the john lewis advert darth vader?
jenson button head and shoulders masturbating
louis walsh sperm – a disturbing search query
new argos christmas ad with pervert alien
new toys r us advert subliminal messages – it’s the liminal ones that concern me
prius pussy subliminal
stacey solomon gammon? – brilliant. Three words; one question mark.
the redknapps wont be so smug now – quite chilling
the ugliest child in the world haribo advert
wanking with canesten – New BBC series?
what are fucking the women like on eharmony uk


Muller’s cluster-toon-fuck is appalling readers

i don’t get the muller advertis there anything to get?
i’ll fucking wowcher you you cunts – This has been rising up the charts recently
what the fuck is that muller advert about
what the fuck is that new muller ad?
what the fuck is up with the muller advert

who is the guy walking with the flowers on the halifax savers account advert 2011
who shit john lennon
who would be stupid enough to use wonga
wouldn’t it be nice volkswagen commercial horrible

fusion pro glide vagina – I’m guessing the answer is ‘yes if you’re careful’

X Factor

Confusion reigns over the M+S / X-Factor ads

why do they keep changing the m&s christmas advert
why is craig not in the m&s xfactor advert
why is frankie not on the m & s advert anymore
why is misha b last on m&s advert
why isn’t johnny on the m and s advert?

Cheryl Baker

Cheryl has some dubious fans

cheryl baker big tits
cheryl baker milf
cheryl baker panties
cheryl baker tits
cheryl bakers breasts
cheryl bakers fanny
cheryl tits milk

Best and Worst 2011 Christmas Adverts

Time was we’d judge the start of the Christmas season by the appearance of crackers in shops; nowadays it’s the appearance of the first Christmas adverts.

With fully 50 days before 2011’s Yuletide there were Christmas adverts on our tellies; filmed in the unseasonally pleasant September and October across the country. Freddie Flintoff in a duffel coat, surrounded by fake snow, santas and mince pies. In St Albans. In September.

So, what festive delights await us this year? M+S had ditched Twiggy and Danni; the Sainsburys ad constitutes Jamie Oliver’s swansong; what would John Lewis come up with this time?

Absurdly, Xmas adverts for the big supermarkets and department stores have become event television. But how big – and shit – have these events been this year?

By my money they’ve mainly got it right. Iceland has backed away from the insanity of last year’s Donovan adverts; Marksies has ditched its middle-class smugathons; the overall tone is of restraint, when compared to last year anyway.

It’s not all good. The Boots girls are still coming – perhaps due to the entry of Ann Summers into our advert marketplace – and there are still two truly diabolical efforts here.

Familiarity – and you can bet you’ll become very familiar with these ads – is sure to breed contempt, even fury. By the fifth time you’ve seen the new Littlewoods or Toys R Us ads you’ll be ready to hurl your chestnuts at the telly.

But with any luck this year’s crop of Christmassy ads should leave you relatively unmolested come Christmas morning. Just pray no-one has a Halfords-style reaction when unwrapping presents.

John Lewis

Celebs: None

It seems to be John Lewis’ modus operandi to make viewers cry these days, with their ads ploughing a fairly shameless furrow that seems to work for them.

I think the strategy pretty canny. It’s a rich seam of nostalgia, sentimentality and general warm fuzziness – all the stuff that makes Christmas what it is.

Next year’s advert will apparently feature a sickly kitten being stroked in front of an open fire by Terry Wogan for a full 120 seconds, while Gary Jules’ Mad World plays in the background.

Turd rating: One


Celebrities: Jamie Oliver

“Goto Sainsbury’s for a magical Christmas feast,” says this last effort from Jamie Oliver on behalf of the upmarket supermarket.

Nice idea, nice execution. Minimum Oliver. Good work.

Turd rating: One and a half


Celebs: Stacey Solomon

Where was there to go after last year’s Xmas Iceland offering, featuring Jason Donovan as a perverted ringmaster? Well, back to basics really. Christmas parties, finger food, Stacey Solomon’s enormous face – I’m fairly unsure Stacey and her family will be tucking into gammon over Xmas, mind.

I take exception to the horrible new Solomonised recording of Driving Home For Christmas – a song I always make sure I have on a CD when actually heading home on Christmas Eve.

Not especially egregious then – and a thankful step back from the Lynchian horror of last year – but I doubt any celebrity would ever be seen dead entering Iceland, which seems to be ever closer to some sort of underclass shopping experience every time I hazard upon one.

Turd rating: Two


Celebs: Delia Smith, Heston Blumenthal

I’m a bit nonplussed by this one, featuring Delia and Heston. It hinges everything on four distinct products and doesn’t really compel me to find out more.

It looks a million bucks – a bit Downton Manor via Heath Robinson and Tim Burton – but it doesn’t feel especially cosy.

A bit chilly, all told, like a Heston artichoke and air-dried Haribo truffle in liquid nitrogen.

Turd rating: Two


Celebs: Andrew Flintoff, Bruce Forsyth

Hmm. Jury’s still out on this one. I suppose Freddie still has enough goodwill from the Ashes in 2005 and 2009 to get away with this – and some good decent, honest, thick Lancashire shtick probably doesn’t do any harm, although it’s a bit much that they actually correct Flintoff’s awkward delivery.

Nice cameo from Brucey at the end and a fairly strong message – Freddie like pies! Legend! Meat! Christmas! Pastry! Brulliant! – unlike many of the ads featured here.

Turd rating: Two

Marks and Spencer

Celebs: X-Factor cannon fodder

It’s fairly apparent that M+S and John Lewis are competing to be the winterval shopping experience and Marksies has really wheeled out the big guns for this X-mas effort.

Riding the X-Factor bandwagon has brought its own problems that rather trouble me (the singers either got a paltry £3K each or nothing, depending on who you listen to – Merry F’ing Xmas) but as an ad in itself it’s well executed and reasonably inoffensive.

I just find it hard to shake the feeling that we’re all implicit in an evil plan to make berks like Simon Cowell even more filthy rich than they are already. From somewhere in Brighton comes the sounds of Johnnie Robinson gently weeping.

Turd rating: Three


Celebs: None that I’m aware of

A novel, decent conceit but I’m not sure why a family of sperm are striding around shopping centres looking for Christmas presents.

There’s one extremely strange – and rather disturbing – aspect to this. “Mmm, eggnog,” says Father Sperm, Homer Simpson-style, absent-mindedly.

“Mmm, Bieber,” says Ma Sperm, appreciatively. Actually, more than appreciatively. Lasciviously, you could almost say.

Now, I suspect Bieber is legal, but probably only just. What’s more he looks about four. Just imagine the Dad lusting after Hermione Granger and see how you feel about that.

Mmm, Granger…

Turd rating: Three


Celebrities: None

Nice idea, nice execution but this is a terrible assault on the senses – the sort of thing the CIA used to blast at Manuel Noriega.

Turd rating: Three and a half


Celebrities: None that I’m aware of

I find it hard to believe that the Here Come The Girls tattoo doesn’t have some sort of Pavlovian effect on half the population these days – its very presence like the foreshadowing of some horrific catastrophe.

Personally I’m inclined towards punching myself in the neck, but voiding of stomachs, noses, bladders and bowels are all empirically-proven side-effects of hearing this tune.

Since this one has a clear Great Escape theme to it I’m hoping there’s a bonus ad that involved them all being taken out to the woods and machine gunned.

Turd rating: Four


Celebrities: None

I wonder if the Wachowski Brothers ever thought that their revolutionary Bullet Time trick photography invention would ever be used to shill a discount supermarket chain in a bizarre Christmas advert.

I’m guessing not, just as I’m guessing that no-one would have foreseen the inclusion of a mind-spinning Inception-style telescopic reality setting for an advert selling trouser-vendors.

I just find this confusing – and I don’t get what it has to do with Matalan. Presumably all the people feature in it are asleep, bald, pale and nude – possibly in a gigantic monster-feeding embryo chamber.

Turd rating: Four

Toys R Us

Celebrities: None

Why, when you have a much-recognised and much-loved Christmas advert in the form of the ageless “There’s a magical place; We’re on our way there; With toys in their millions; All under one roof” ad, would you piss all that brand equity down the drain with a vile American rap waffling on about coupons?

Appalling. Inexplicable. Appallicable.

Turd rating: Four and a half


Celebrities: None

An absolute fucking disaster, unless the aim was to reposition Littlewoods as the most low-rent outlet on the marketplace.

The ASA has actually been moved to an issue a ‘we don’t like it, but we have to go along with it’ rebuttal to complaints that this ad is killing Santa. And replacing it with what? A bloody credit card.

If this were Japan some ritual boardroom suicides would be going on about now. Possibly metaphorical, possibly not.

I never want to see this ever again.

Turd rating: 245,835,585,299,001

So, there you have it. The best and worst 2011 Christmas Adverts. A rotten bunch to be sure, but this could have been so much worse. No-one would ever pretend that Fukushima was a good thing – but the alternative doesn’t bear thinking about.

And, just in case you think I’m overcooking things somewhat, take a look at this – and never, ever forget.