Sky’s sickly Christmas schedule promo

Taken on their own, the elements in the promo for Sky’s festive offerings wouldn’t really irritate me. But the sheer frequency of it across Sky’s various channels has made it extremely maddening.

Helena Bonham-Carter’s annoying face; George Clooney’s American Fantastic Mr Fox; Alec Baldwin’s fat, sweaty, naked body; the stupid voiceover guy’s ridiculous voice…

But most of all is the horrible soundtrack; a song so monumentally twee that it makes Mariah Carey sound like Burial. It’s a vile three minutes by feckless hippified outfit Orba Squara that sounds like it’s been put together by a committee of focus group wonks; dredged through Sunny Delight and covered with hundreds and thousands by Justin Bieber.

Sickly, and sickening.

Sky Sports News Advert

Sky Sports News is utter shit. That’s an important first principle. It consists of football gossip culled from newspapers and Twitter reported as exclusives over looped footage of training ground tedium.

It shows endless shots of minor Premiership footballers walking to their cars with the same reheated gossip you can read anywhere on the internet.

It has the kind of absurdly trumped-up graphics, ‘infobars’ and music that would leave Chris Morris scratching his head.

Anchors read the most fatuous footy tittle tattle as if they’re delivering the news of the Berlin Wall coming down.

Endless adverts appear for it all over Sky’s network – which you have to pay for anyway – and Sky Sports News itself is constantly interrupted by advert breaks.

And now it’s in HD. So fucking what? Why would I want to watch perma-tanned middle-aged blokes witter on about lower league transfer in gossip IN HIGH DEFINITION?

I once sat in a mate’s house while everyone watched, anesthetised, the same shit looped over and over and over again – while there was actual sport on.

The only place where there’s any point whatsoever to Sky Sports News is when you’re at the bar in the pub, when you may just possible catch a glimpse of something you actually want to see.

When you’re watching Sky Sports News you’re not living, you’re simply existing. I like sport, pretty much all sport, but there’s something wrong when people actually care about an interview with the child who caught Craig Bellamy’s new Cardiff City shirt.

And in what crazy fucking world does the the news ‘Blackpool agree fee with Bournemouth for striker Brett Pittman’ warrant a BREAKING NEWS banner?

And now, absurdity of absurdities, Sky wants to charge you to watch Sky Sports News. It’s a piece of work so incredible it can only reasonably be described as genius, albeit evil genius.

Take something of zero value, pretend it’s important, and make people pay for it. That’s Sky all over, but the idea of paying to watch a bloke sitting a desk reading a teleprompter while stock footage of Deepdale on an overcast Tuesday afternoon plays in the background is sheer insanity.

Sky Sports News is the closest thing to TV simply broadcasting an incapacitating drone and blasting subliminal messages into viewers’ heads.

WATCH FOOTBALL. BUY STUFF YOU DON’T NEED. CARE ABOUT WORTHLESS THINGS. LOOK AT JIM WHITE. That’s pretty much all you need to to know about it.

Stupid, stupefying, witless, pointless, numbing, worthless, idiotic, empty white noise.

Am I the only one wearing the sunglasses?