Vodaphone advert: A ‘touching story’

What a selfish little bitch!

Wait until tomorrow, when your Dad’s finally closed what’s obviously the most important deal of his entire fricking life, a life he’s probably devoted to bringing up his spoilt brat of a kid, lavishing undeserved attention and praise on you while you groom your fucking horse and get treated badly by blokes, because the weird relationship you have with your father has comprehensively fucked you up when it comes to the opposite sex.

And you, Dad, grow some fucking bollocks. I’m sure your special little girl has half a dozen clones she can discuss SATC, Glee and how shit men are with.

But mainly you, you snivelling little Daddy’s Girl. Of course he left you; you have some disturbing electra-complex relationship with your old man.

Welcome to a life of disappointment, ruined relationships and co-dependency issues, concluded by an unhappy marriage to a man 30 years your senior.

• Ways to improve this advert: He drives to her car, slaps her around the face, tells her to grow up and goes back to his meeting. I bet there’s not a person alive who believes that’s not a better ending