The Pepsi MAX Dicks

Imagine three shit-eating, post-preppy, Daddy-via-Harvard-educated dickwads. They vote Republican, play golf at the weekend, walked into golden-hello marketing jobs in Manhattan courtesy of their old school ties and and are vaguely racist.

They are called Brad, Colt and Rhinelander. If they lived in London every eighth word out of their mouths would be ‘banter’.

They enjoy MacDonalds, Pepsi, cocaine, Nascar, cage fighting, horrible volume lager (let’s say… Budweiser) and they keep a tally of how many women they can pick up in nightclubs and bum. They get 50 points each for a shag; but 1000 points for anal. They keep a tally using fridge magnets.

After the bumming they go to each others’ rooms (they definitely live together), high five one another and pass out on the couch with vomit, Pepsi and pizza on their faces; their noses weeping red tears due to the amounts of base they’ve shoved up them.

The Pepsi MAX Dicks

One of them is a closeted homosexual, but he dare not reveal this to the others – knowing that the torment he would endure if this were known by the others would be vicious and lasting.

Rhinelander once took a photo of his sister while she was sleeping – with his dick in her mouth. He posted it to Facebook and emailed all her friends with the picture.

Brad posted sex tapes of his ex girlfriend to as many pornographic websites as he could find. He also got his family’s Mexican housekeeper pregnant – then forced her to have an abortion. Soon afterwards she was sacked and deported, after Brad accused her of thieving.

All of them have many, many videos on their phones of them fucking prostitutes. One of them has all three triple-penetrating a particularly unlucky whore, their penises fencing with one another as they attempted to gain entry to their winking quarry. Afterwards they took turns to stuff $50 bills in her mouth – and then spat in her face.

Colt killed a small child while driving his Dodge pony car after necking 15 beers and four double vodkas. His father hired the best lawyer in New York to get his son acquitted.

Once, Brad and Rhinelander staged an elaborate stunt that made a mentally-vulnerable woman believe that the world was about to end so that Colt could have sex with her. Afterwards they filmed the woman on their smartphones and yelled ‘dumb slut!’ at the woman as she wept, trying to wipe the smeared lipstick from her face and pulling at her torn, bedraggled tights.

All three once threw quarters at a black toilet attendant, laughing as he scrambled to pick the low-denomination coins out of the puddles of urine on the floor. Rhinelander then maced him in the face. Afterwards they all opened a fresh can of Pepsi MAX and danced, while the toilet attendant squirmed and whimpered on the floor.

You can imagine these people if you need to. Or you can watch them in action in the new Pepsi MAX advert.

2010’s ‘best-loved’ adverts

These were, apparently, the best-loved adverts of 2010, according to some kind of complicated algorithm from Nielsen.

The research includes 1.5 million votes cast by British viewers on the ‘likeability’ of various adverts and how much they remembered it.

On this basis, the ubiquitous meerkat adverts came out on top, with a ‘likeability index rating’ of 256; 2.56 times more popular than the average new commercial during 2010.

Second was an advert for Magners, one of many overwhelmingly Oirish adverts that blighted the channels over 2010; while utterly forgettable adverts for the likes of Maltesers, Cushelle and Velvet were also ranked in the top ten.

So, what does all of this mean? Very little, beyond the redundancy of many tracking metrics deployed in advertising and marketing to reassure advertisers and marketers that they’re doing a top-hole job.

These adverts may have been ranked as memorable and likeable, but it’s hard to read anything more significant into these figures. Are these good adverts? In the main, no. Did they give a return on investment? There’s no data here to suggest they did. What was the penetration? Who knows? Did they raise the profile of the brand? Perhaps, that’s the easiest conclusion to draw from this bizarre set of data, though how familiar and fondly thought-of the brand already is is debatable; as is how memorable they after after a year; while how these adverts automatically become ‘best-loved’ is beyond me.

No doubt Nielsen would love to tell you more about its advert rankings and audience research – for an absolutely whopping fee. I’d be more than happy to give rather more succinct views on the adverts below, for a much smaller one.

‘Best-Loved’ Adverts Of 2010

(Descriptions in italics are Nielsen’s; in plain are mine)

1. CompareTheMarket.com

Story of meerkats fighting an army of mongooses in a snowy landscape

Meerkats uber Alles.

2. Magner’s Irish Cider

Clonmel home of Magners Cider; lorry over golf course; through brick wall

Begorrah, bejoisus, becroikey. Fucking champ. Patronising Oirish drivel.

3. Maltesers

Two couples watch a movie; girlfriends position boyfriends so that they are cuddling

Meh. Variation of the stupid-Dad meme.

4. Santander Bank

Family driving in car; boy falls asleep with red legos; featuring Lewis Hamilton

Everyone likes lego; kids probably like Lewis Hamilton (though probably don’t do a lot of banking).

5. Snickers Candy

Mr. T doing pushups; listen up, suckers; get tough, one-fingered push-ups

Hard to ignore, hard to forget, hard not to like – at first at least.

6. Cancer Research

Race for Life this summer, beat cancer, enter now

Don’t remember ever seeing this.

7. Marks & Spencer Christmas ad

Come on girls first positions; featuring Peter Kay, Twiggy and Dannii Minogue

Noisy, unloved-celeb cluster-fuck.

8. Velvet Paper Towels

Boy in suit points to where trees should be planted in forest; adults hold trees in pots

Quite like this, couldn’t connect it with a brand though.

9. Cushelle Bathroom Tissue

Cartoon koala bear leaps and hugs pack of tissue; new name (previously Charmin)

Eh?

10. Pepsi Max

Professional footballers, including Lionel Messi, play kids for a Pepsi Max

Cash-spunking corporate obligation pay-day.