If I ruled the world – Vodaphone

Mobile phone adverts are generally the worst, which in a world of terrible advertising means they’re pretty bloody debilitating.

This is another one that’s a grower, in completely the wrong way. I challenge you to watch it more than five times without crying with impotent fury.

First off, this advert makes no sense whatsoever. “If you ruled the world nothing would be left unsaid,” is Vodafone’s gambit here. Bollocks.

If I ruled the world I’d exile Piers Morgan to a cave on an island, sleep with Jayne Middlemiss, insert myself into the England cricket team and award myself Prague. I wouldn’t go and make a listless phone call. I can do that any time I like, see?

So the whole notion falls over at the slightest breeze. Let’s look at the second problem: shit execution.

To say the man in this advert mimes would be to do a grave injustice to mime artists. Sitting almost statue still he just about manages to open his mouth at the right times, in time with what is obviously a huge belter of a James Brown vocal.

His look is all wrong too. He looks like he’s called Danny, is a bit slow, eats Ginsters pasties and becomes slightly racist and violent when drunk.

Lastly, the music. Ad people think soul is bombproof. It’s impossible, and probably illegal, to not like soul. When people want to look like they know about music they say they like Ben E King, or something.

Soul is usually the right choice for adverts, but this track’s shit.

That’s a judgement call, but when;

If I ruled the world, every man would be as free as a bird


If I ruled the world, I’d get a bundle of pay-as-you-go texts on the cheap

it’s a sad day.

So, when it comes to this advert, if I ruled the world… Well, you probably know what I’d do.