October Keywords: Fuck off I’m not talking to rice Uncle Ben

uncle-benAnother month, another deluge of funny, weird, sexy and scary keywords that AdTurds readers have been typing into their search engines.

The one in the title – Fuck off I’m not talking to rice Uncle Ben – tickled me, but the following one also elicited a giggle too:

does the vw advert really say wouldn’t it be nice if we were rover?

It isn’t, of course, but the idea of it amused me. I doubt if any car manufacturer in the last 20 years would envy Rover, but the notion of VW putting subliminal messages into its ads, such peculiar ones at that, is an intriguing one.

Elsewhere the guy on the far left of the Halifax choir is upsetting readers – several readers have been upset by him. I’ve not seen him yet, but I imagine there’s already a Facebook page that exists simply to disparage him. He’ll probably be making an appearance on here soon, as I suspect I’m going to loathe Halifax’s new ads even more than the old ones in the long run.

Paul Whitehouse, Stephen Merchant, Cheryl Baker and Louise Rednknapp were in the firing line this month – I particularly liked ‘freddie flintoff morrisons fucking idiot’ though.

Brands-wise it’s all about Halifax, Barclays, Go Compare, Confused.com, Wonga, Haribo, Colmans, Gillette and Eurostar to name a few.

Already the shortlist for the worst adverts of 2011 article is forming. And what a shitty shortlist it’s shaping up to be.

AdTurds October 2011 keywords

oh the hatred i feel for the halifax adverts cannot be put into words – 11 separate instances. I find this hard to believe, but surely Google can’t be wrong? According to the Big G 11 different people typed this phrase into their search engine and navigated here

go compare “fuck off” – 9 separate instances

confused.com fat black woman – 8 separate instances

stephen merchant is a c*nt – 4 separate instances

anyone else hate that guy in the loreal commercial? – 3 separate instances

fathers made to look stupid – 3 separate instances

fuck off halifax you c*nts! – 3 separate instances

fathers made to look stupid – 3 separate instances, see more on the stupid dad meme

gillette fusion proglide challenge guy is a twat – 3 separate instances

stephen merchant what a fuckin wanker – 3 separate instances

colmans advert disgusting cow – 2 separate instances

fuck off i’m not talking to rice uncle ben

what is the new muller advert about? – not yoghurt, I don’t think

“patula” kid can fuck off

…… the confused.com woman keeps pulling stuff out her vadge! seriously.

advert where woman leaves her poop on the table – genuinely don’t know what this ad is – anyone?

adverts with bums

adverts with gordon brown

are the 2 girls in the maltesers ad with boyfriends asleep sisters?

are the haribo family a real family

bmw she’s a cunt commercial – sounds like a bold new ad strategy for BMW

bt advert – where is the bt womans baby? – good question

can i fuck danni minogue for cash?

chummy mums love fucking

colmans new advert gravy creepy
colmans gravy advert needs to fucking stop
colmans advert for beef gravy is horrible

confused.com advert aimed at homosexuals

creepy wonga adverts

do gay people object to the malteasers ad

does anyone else refuse to use go compare simply because they hate the adverts?

does anyone hate the fat fucker from the jacamo advert?

does the vw advert really say wouldn’t it be nice if we were rover?

freddie flintoff morrisons fucking idiot

gillette fusion commercial voice over fuck buddy

girl shitting herself outside the palace in halifax

guy on the far left of halifax ad
halifax advert choir bottom left man annoying
halifax advert stupid bloke in choir

halifax adverts make me sick
halifax choir cunts

horrible awful weird money supermarket tv ad gorilla terrible

i hate the new coffee advert don’t want to see people fucking on my tv

ive shagged cheryl baker

martine mccutcheons huge fat bum

mignon morceaux phileas fogg m&s – I remember these fried snacks fondly

muller advert what the fuck?

paul masson maaaaaa

pepsi twist lime urinating analysis – great ad

professional women has a poop accident in her panties

sky broadband is fucking shit crap bullshit stupid

tesco people who are ugly

throwing poo acid advert uk – I refuse to believe there’s such an advert

torture tory bing commercial – ditto

volkswagen advert hitler think blue

what advert had a wig attacking people – dunno but I want to see it

what the hell is happening in the new muller advert

who are the 3 men in the eurostar advert – advert win!
who are the tossers in eurostar advert
eurostar ad with jarvis cocker, who are the other two?

who does horrible wouldn’t it be nice cover on volkswagon advert

who is rod rammage?

who is that silly woman in the iceland ads?

who is the fat thing go compare

why cadbury caramel is better than cadbury crunchie

wispa death pussy images

Colman’s Gravy Advert: Dead, Dancing Cow Juice

Colman's advert

“This is the state of the beast… to eat and be eaten.”

I’ve always been squeamish about food. When I was little my Mam used to cut up meat and give voice to the morsels of meat. “Don’t eat me!” the meat would say as it was aeroplaned towards my mouth. As I result I didn’t want to eat the meat. Who was I to inflict terror on hapless forkfulls of chicken?

In the same way I’m very uncertain about the direct link some adverts seem to make between a living animal and the very dead animal on a plate. I’m a meat-eater, but the various ethical ramifications of mechanised farming trouble me. The last thing I want on my mind as I eat a steak is the mental image of the cow whose life was brought to an end by a Tesco-franchised slaughterhouse.

In the past we had pork advertised by a pig actually slicing its own guts up with a jolly look on its face. Nowadays we have, what? The Laughing Cow. No wonder the cow’s laughing. It only gets milked for its delicious dairy product (although it also seems to eat them, which is a disturbing idea). Any other associations between meat and animals are strictly in the ‘roaming around the countryside’ variety that sets our minds at ease.

“Oh, look, they’re in a field. I feel better about buying that cheap water-injected supermarket chicken now. Yum yum!” We think not of the middle bit – the unpleasant bit – between farm and plate. Thus is our guilt assuaged. Why, then, make that dead animal link explicit again? To turn a cow into gravy requires a process not beneficial to the cow – and not really a process that bears thinking about to be honest.

Gravy is cow juice. It is the bits of a cow that you don’t or can’t eat ground up and boiled with water. Sure it’s tasty, but I don’t really want to dwell on exactly where instant gravy comes from. Think of a sausages, known colloquially for donkey’s years as ‘lips and arseholes’, because they were the bits that went into making them. There’s a very good reason Walls declines to refer to them as ‘Pork Lips and Arseholes’. Why Turkey Twizzlers aren’t referred to as ‘Turkey Tongues and Twats’. Or why burgers aren’t called ‘Fuck Me You Wouldn’t Believe The Shit That Goes Into These’.

All of which makes Colman’s new gravy advert pretty frickin’ odd indeed. If you haven’t seen it, it consists of an animated gravy cow jumping out of a gravy boat and dancing around to that awful “I like the way you move” song. I expect it’s shortened to “I like the way you moo” here. It all reminds me a little bit of a Clive Barker short story where a turkey comes to life and starts attacking the inhabitants of a house on Christmas Day. It’s like Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo, only it’s made of gravy.

When I am eating a meal I don’t want to imagine the various death screams of those animals that went to their deaths so that I could eat a £15.99 mixed grill in a Harvester. I don’t want to think of them screaming “don’t eat me!” as I chow down on a pork chop. And I don’t want a dead cow sliding around my dinner table in a hideous parody of the life it relinquished before going down with a metal bolt in its brain, just so that I could cover my yorkshire puds in dead cow juice.

If may if I were psychotic – or so blithely ignorant of the dubious associations of modern farming that I didn’t care. But I’m not, I’m one of the legions of people who would rather not be reminded of the cold-light-of-day realities of such things.

As it is, this seems rather like having an animated pile advertising Anusol; a walking, bloody tampon shilling Always. Or, even better, a walking, talking, dancing, singing corpse marketing the Co-op’s funeral services. Now that I would pay to see.