October Keywords: Fuck off I’m not talking to rice Uncle Ben

uncle-benAnother month, another deluge of funny, weird, sexy and scary keywords that AdTurds readers have been typing into their search engines.

The one in the title – Fuck off I’m not talking to rice Uncle Ben – tickled me, but the following one also elicited a giggle too:

does the vw advert really say wouldn’t it be nice if we were rover?

It isn’t, of course, but the idea of it amused me. I doubt if any car manufacturer in the last 20 years would envy Rover, but the notion of VW putting subliminal messages into its ads, such peculiar ones at that, is an intriguing one.

Elsewhere the guy on the far left of the Halifax choir is upsetting readers – several readers have been upset by him. I’ve not seen him yet, but I imagine there’s already a Facebook page that exists simply to disparage him. He’ll probably be making an appearance on here soon, as I suspect I’m going to loathe Halifax’s new ads even more than the old ones in the long run.

Paul Whitehouse, Stephen Merchant, Cheryl Baker and Louise Rednknapp were in the firing line this month – I particularly liked ‘freddie flintoff morrisons fucking idiot’ though.

Brands-wise it’s all about Halifax, Barclays, Go Compare, Confused.com, Wonga, Haribo, Colmans, Gillette and Eurostar to name a few.

Already the shortlist for the worst adverts of 2011 article is forming. And what a shitty shortlist it’s shaping up to be.

AdTurds October 2011 keywords

oh the hatred i feel for the halifax adverts cannot be put into words – 11 separate instances. I find this hard to believe, but surely Google can’t be wrong? According to the Big G 11 different people typed this phrase into their search engine and navigated here

go compare “fuck off” – 9 separate instances

confused.com fat black woman – 8 separate instances

stephen merchant is a c*nt – 4 separate instances

anyone else hate that guy in the loreal commercial? – 3 separate instances

fathers made to look stupid – 3 separate instances

fuck off halifax you c*nts! – 3 separate instances

fathers made to look stupid – 3 separate instances, see more on the stupid dad meme

gillette fusion proglide challenge guy is a twat – 3 separate instances

stephen merchant what a fuckin wanker – 3 separate instances

colmans advert disgusting cow – 2 separate instances

fuck off i’m not talking to rice uncle ben

what is the new muller advert about? – not yoghurt, I don’t think

“patula” kid can fuck off

…… the confused.com woman keeps pulling stuff out her vadge! seriously.

advert where woman leaves her poop on the table – genuinely don’t know what this ad is – anyone?

adverts with bums

adverts with gordon brown

are the 2 girls in the maltesers ad with boyfriends asleep sisters?

are the haribo family a real family

bmw she’s a cunt commercial – sounds like a bold new ad strategy for BMW

bt advert – where is the bt womans baby? – good question

can i fuck danni minogue for cash?

chummy mums love fucking

colmans new advert gravy creepy
colmans gravy advert needs to fucking stop
colmans advert for beef gravy is horrible

confused.com advert aimed at homosexuals

creepy wonga adverts

do gay people object to the malteasers ad

does anyone else refuse to use go compare simply because they hate the adverts?

does anyone hate the fat fucker from the jacamo advert?

does the vw advert really say wouldn’t it be nice if we were rover?

freddie flintoff morrisons fucking idiot

gillette fusion commercial voice over fuck buddy

girl shitting herself outside the palace in halifax

guy on the far left of halifax ad
halifax advert choir bottom left man annoying
halifax advert stupid bloke in choir

halifax adverts make me sick
halifax choir cunts

horrible awful weird money supermarket tv ad gorilla terrible

i hate the new coffee advert don’t want to see people fucking on my tv

ive shagged cheryl baker

martine mccutcheons huge fat bum

mignon morceaux phileas fogg m&s – I remember these fried snacks fondly

muller advert what the fuck?

paul masson maaaaaa

pepsi twist lime urinating analysis – great ad

professional women has a poop accident in her panties

sky broadband is fucking shit crap bullshit stupid

tesco people who are ugly

throwing poo acid advert uk – I refuse to believe there’s such an advert

torture tory bing commercial – ditto

volkswagen advert hitler think blue

what advert had a wig attacking people – dunno but I want to see it

what the hell is happening in the new muller advert

who are the 3 men in the eurostar advert – advert win!
who are the tossers in eurostar advert
eurostar ad with jarvis cocker, who are the other two?

who does horrible wouldn’t it be nice cover on volkswagon advert

who is rod rammage?

who is that silly woman in the iceland ads?

who is the fat thing go compare

why cadbury caramel is better than cadbury crunchie

wispa death pussy images

July 2011 keywords: What a horrible kid


AdTurds’ Google Analytics account continues to shine a light into the murkiest corners of readers’ minds, so this month I stripped out most of the horrible stuff an included some new trends, stuff that simply made me laugh and some plain weird shit.

Whether or not Jacamo is actually designed for fat men, readers seem to have made up their minds. 31 queries for ‘jacamo is for fat bastards’ seem to indicate that the debate is over.

Elsewhere lots of people have been typing Jenson Button’s bizarre dandruff soliloquy, presumably to find out what the hell he’s on about, while the Gillette Fusion Proglide Challenge is, it’s fair to say, really getting on people’s tits.

Lots of people have bee searching for things relating to Cheryl Baker and Carey Mulligan; things that I most certainly can’t furnish them with, though I’m sure there are plenty of places where ‘fat lesbians fisting’ can be discovered on the world wide web – and probably even ‘penis loathing film’ come to that, though even the internet might shrug at ‘delicious turd cock’.

‘Paul Whitehouse what the fuck’ is probably something a lot of people have been asking of his Aviva ads the last couple of years, including Paul Whitehouse; Stephen Merchant seems to have had his stock reduced by his own set of annoying adverts (viz ‘Stephen Merchant should fuck off and die’); and, as it goes, Nannette Newman is so sexy.

The Redknapps on holiday’ seems to suggest some sort of appalling reality TV show or sitcom coming to Sky 2 very soon.

‘Every time i read newspaper the same toothpaste advert plays in background’ suggests some sort of problem not even the internet can help with, but I’d be interested to know which brand of toothpaste.

The most worrying phrase this month is almost certainly ‘people shitting in chocolate cadburys world’. That sounds like something Roald Dahl might have written in one of his ‘Tales From the Unexpected’ funks rather than great glass elevator moments.

What I do find interesting is the questions people demand of search engine. The identity of an extra in one ad, the shoes another is wearing, what a character in the Halifax ad is eating. Does anyone, anyone on the face of the planet know the answer to some of these?

My favourite this month? ‘what a horrible kid in the vision express ad’ – I’ve not seen the ad in question but I’ll be scanning the ad breaks like a hawk from now on.

Finally, one that is actually related to ads, perhaps the motherload of all current shit ads. It kind says it all.

‘why can’t they bloody bury that go compare advert it’s the most annoying advert on the television’.

Recurring keywords

Hate – Confused.com, Louise Rednknapp, 118 118, Lloyds TSB, Match.com, Go Compare, Halifax

Shit – 118 118, Citroen, Match.com, Pepsi Max

Awful – Fusion Proglide, Cash For Gold, Head and Shoulders, Pepsi, Confused.com, Direct Line, Galaxy

Terrible – 118 118, Spotify, Aviva, Confused.com, Direct Line, Gillette Fusion Proglide

Fuck – Confused.com, BT

Cunt – BT, Confused.com, Gillette Fusion Proglide, Gio Compario, Halifax

Tits – Chetyl Baker and Cara Confused duking it out here

July 2011 AdTurds keywords

jacamo is for fat bastards – 31 examples
“wow it’s bracing”
confused.com advert ofsted complaints
gillette fusion proglide advert twat
racing spacing wow its bracing
are just for men commercials deliberately stupid
bank ad campaign: students are wankers
big titted confused.com advert
boots adverts make women look stupid
bum adverts
caneston thrush advert at dinner time
carey mulligan masturbating
cheryl baker sausage
confused.com advert music played at gitmo
cunt from gillette advert
delicious turd cock
every time i read newspaper the same toothpaste advert plays in background
fat lesbians fisting
is there a bigger cunt on tv than the twat in the gillette pro-glide ad
nanette newman so sexy
neville wanless and roger mellie
obnoxious pregnant women
oops-stars.com cheryl baker nipples
paul whitehouse what the fuck
penis loathing film
people shitting in chocolate cadburys world
sainsbury’s tomatoes are rubbish
stephen merchant should fuck off and die
stupid little twat from the morrisons advert
suck germaine greer
the people doing cadbury commercials are on some of that good shit
the redknapps on holiday
the sky cricket commentry team are annoying
ugly people in tesco
wanna see the womans tits in the lynx advert
what a horrible kid in the vision express ad
what car does emile heskey have – probably not a Fiat Stilo
what shoes does the man from barclays advert wear?
what the hell is that girl eating in the hsbc advert
whats the deal with that fucking gillette advert?
who is the punk neighbour on the we buy any car advert 2011?
why can’t they bloody bury that go compare advert it’s the most annoying advert on the television